Can't Let Go Pt II
by McDimplesBaby
Summary: 11 years have passed since Arizona and Eliza married. Life has brought them four kids, but is that it for them? Is life about to truly settle for them...or is someone waiting in the wings, ready to destroy everything they have built between them? ***WARNING - THIS FIC IS DARK AND MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE***
1. Chapter 1

**Here it is. Part two. I had thought about leaving it alone but you can read this, or don't. I believe I ended the last one good enough for you to make your own decision on whether you want more of this particular couple or not. The epilogue from Part 1 was ten years on, and this will follow on a year from that. So, 11 years have passed since their wedding. Enjoy, if you choose to read.**

 **Can't Let Go: Pt 2**

* * *

Chapter One

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

 _One year later…_

"Hey, so I have to leave soon and I was hoping to see you before I did…" My wife's voice filters through my hands-free and a smile settles on my mouth.

"I'm five minutes away…think you can wait that long?"

"Guess I'll have to for the woman of my dreams, huh?"

"Smooth, Arizona." I laugh. "Real smooth."

"Kids get off okay?" She asks, her voice sincere whenever she talks about our kids. "Xavi was a little off this morning…"

"He's good." I sigh. "Worrying about his project like usual."

"I don't know where he gets his worry from." Arizona sighs. "Soraya is the total opposite…"

"Guess its just a part of who he is." I smile as I take a right and turn onto our street. "Wouldn't have him any other way, right?"

"No way!" My wife says with certainty. "You're here, aren't you?"

"How did you know?" I roll my eyes playfully.

"Kinda hard to _not_ hear the roar of your Ferrari." Ending the call, the gates open and I pull up our drive. Arizona is already waiting for me and it still makes my heart burst eleven years on. It really does. Giving her a full smile, she taps her foot against the floor and I climb from my car. "Finally…" She opens her arms to me and I approach her. After all these years, her hugs are still as amazing as ever.

"Sorry, I was talking to Jacob's mom." I tighten my grip on her waist. Well, as much as my seven-month baby bump will allow, anyway. "Xavi is going by for dinner tonight."

"One less to look after." She shrugs. "You sure you're going to be okay?"

"Of course." I pull back, her baby blues boring into my soul. "Your mom will be here, too."

"When is she ever not?" Arizona laughs and pulls me inside. "Come on, I need some wife and bump time before I leave."

"You'll call me when you get there, yeah?" I hate that she has to leave town for the night but I'll survive. Nothing is as intense as it was before our family began so I'm okay with the occasional night alone.

"Yup." She nods. "And Soraya has promised to keep my place in our bed tonight…"

"You two are so adorable." I sigh. "Luckiest woman in the world…"

"Oh, I think that's my title." Arizona drops down on the couch and I settle between her legs. "I'm the one who gets to watch this all unfold in front of me…because of you."

"True." I shrug, my head falling back on her shoulder. "I can't wait to see you tomorrow…"

"I haven't left yet." She presses a kiss to the top of my head. "But yeah, I'll be back before you know it." Relaxing, a comfortable silence falls between us and our baby kicks, reminding us that everything is okay.

"Baby is saying hi…" I breathe out, Arizona's hand immediately settling on my stomach. "You feel it?"

"Always do, beautiful…" Leaning in, her lips press below my ear and a low moan rumbles in her throat.

"Don't even think about it," I whine. "We both know you don't have time to finish whatever you're trying to start."

"Sorry." My wife sighs. "Just struggle to keep my hands off you."

"Well, that's nothing new." I tilt my head up and give her a full smile. "Tomorrow, okay?"

"It's the only thing keeping me going right now." Her face resting against the side of my head, my eyes close and a slight sigh falls from my mouth. "You sure you'll be okay with Noah and Joshua?"

"We will all be fine." I give Arizona's hand a reassuring squeeze. "They're hardly going to riot…"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure." She laughs. "When I was Eighteen months old, I caused mayhem."

"And that, I actually believe." The thought of our twins running around our home like lunatics causing me to laugh, I sit up and forward so Arizona can climb out from behind me. "You have to go?"

"Sorry, baby." Dropping back on the couch, Arizona leans down and presses a kiss to my lips. "I should get ready to leave, yeah…"

"Okay." I breathe out. "Wake me before you leave?"

"For sure." The sound of my wife's cell buzzing on the counter, she approaches it and accepts the call. "Hello?" She furrows her brow and glances at the screen. "Call ended." She shrugs. "I've had a few of those this morning…"

"Number?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Private." Shoving her cell into her bag, she rounds the kitchen counter and pours herself a coffee to take with her. "Probably just the wrong number."

"Yeah, probably." My eyes close but I can hear my wife moving around.

"What time do you have to collect the twins from daycare?"

"Three," I reply. Even though I'm not working right now, Arizona insisted that the boys go to daycare three days a week. It just gives me a break if she is working. We all spend every evening together and weekends belong to us, too. My wife refuses to take on any work during the weekends and even though she has a bit more of a role in her business again, its nothing like when I met her. She's at the office occasionally but it was me who told her to go back. I could see how bored she was sitting around all day. Especially now that Xavi and Soraya are both in school. _She will be taking leave for this baby again soon, anyway._ Just a few more weeks and I'll have her to myself again.

"Okay, well take the Audi." She smiles as she shrugs her jacket on. "Gives you more room to work with than the BMW."

"Remind me again why we have so many cars?"

"Because why not?" She shrugs as she approaches me. "I want you to have all the choice in the world and you do…"

"Just the one car would be good enough for me."

"Oh yeah?" She raises her eyebrow. "And which one would that be?"

"Uh…" I chew on my bottom lip. "Okay, fine. I love them all."

"Figured." She smirks. "I'm leaving, okay?"

"I miss you already…" I pull her down into a needy kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

Okay, so Arizona has only been gone for a few hours and honestly, I'm over it. I'm over her going away and I need her back with me. With our family. I always miss her when she isn't here but this time feels different. Like, something just feels off. I know I'm just working myself up for nothing, and I know I'm just worried about my waters breaking earlier and my wife missing the birth, but it's not going to happen. There is no reason at all for that to happen. Rolling my eyes when I feel my emotions get the better of me, Soraya comes bounding into the kitchen, crashing into my legs as she does. "Love you, mama."

"Love you, too." Watching as our six-year-old climbs up onto a stool, she turns to face me and gives me one of her toothy grins. "I'm a bitch."

"Excuse me?" I almost choke on my lemon tea.

"I'm a bitch." She laughs. "Molly says so."

"Oh, she does, huh?" Gritting my teeth, I've had enough of that fucking kid. Soraya is forever coming home with words she shouldn't be saying and I'm just about ready to blow. "You don't say that word again, okay?"

"Kay." She sighs. "It's a bad word?"

"Yes, baby girl." I wrap my arms around her. "A word you shouldn't ever say."

"Sorry, mama."

"That's okay…" I soothe her, my palm running up and down her back. "You won't say it again, right?"

"No." She shakes her head. "When is mommy coming home?"

"Tomorrow." I sigh. "But you get to sleep with mama tonight."

"Snuggles, yay!" She claps her hands and jumps down from her stool. "Hey! Xavi! I'm sleeping with mama tonight. Ha!"

"Don't care!" Our ten-year-old comes into the kitchen sulking.

"Hey! Attitude!" I give him a knowing look. "You don't speak to your sister that way."

"Why couldn't I go with mom?" He throws himself down on the couch and squeezes his eyes shut tight.

"Because you, big man…have school." I round the counter and approach him. "And I need you to keep me safe here."

"Yeah." He sighs. "Sorry, mom."

"Forgiven." I nod. "Maybe you could go apologize to your sister? Grandma will be here soon…"

"Is she staying the night?" My son's eyes brighten and I nod. "Okay." Rushing off towards the staircase, he knows Barbara won't take any attitude from him. He also knows that Grandma knows _everything._ If he acts out, she knows. The sound of breaking news pulling me from my thoughts, I glance up at the huge TV on the wall and furrow my brow.

 _"It is believed that the car in question belongs to celebrity architect, Arizona Robbins. It isn't known whether the 44-year-old multi-millionaire accidentally crashed her car or whether she was run off the road, but detectives are remaining tight-lipped right now. One thing we know for sure…the architect is nowhere to be found. More from the scene when we get it…"_

My heart sinking into my stomach, I suddenly don't feel so good. I don't feel good and I need to sit down before I fall down. Grabbing my cell from the counter, I hit my wife's number and pray that the call connects. I'm sure she has just gone to find help if she is injured. She can't just disappear into thin air for no reason. No explanation. Her cell ringing out, I finally reach her voicemail and end the call. I don't need to leave a fucking message. I just want to hear her voice. Hitting another number, that call does connect and Barbara sounds just as terrified as I feel. "B-Barbara?"

"I'm on my way, sweetie." Her voice breaks. "Turn off the TV and don't let the kids see it…"

"Can you hurry up?" I cry. "I don't feel so good."

"I'll be there in a moment." She ends the call and I drop down into my seat. The security system on the gate alerting me to a presence behind it, I check the monitor and find two detectives waiting to gain access. I don't know why I think they're detectives, but they just look like they are. _God, I hope they are._ No, I hope they're not and she is safe somewhere. Damn it! I don't know what I want to hear from them right now. Allowing them access, I rush out onto the porch and my knees feel like they're about to give out on me.

"Mrs?"

"Robbins." I sigh. "The other Robbins. Her wife, whatever." I decided not to keep my own name. I didn't want to be associated with that name any longer. Not when it came from my mother. My mother who I still haven't heard from in over twelve years now. "What's going on? And why am I hearing about it via the media before you?"

"I'm sorry." A female detective approaches, holding out her hand and giving it a firm shake. "Detective Sanchez. Detective Jackson."

"Come inside." I push the door open. "Just…can you give me a moment to figure something out with the kids? I don't want them here for this…"

"Of course." She nods. "Do what you need to do." Watching as my gate opens on the drive, Barbara comes screeching up the drive and cuts the engine before rushing out of her car and up the porch.

"What's going on?" She asks. "Where is my daughter?"

"Mrs. Robbins, I presume?"

"Yes." She nods, her face pale. "What do you know?"

"Barbara." I take her hand in my own. "Can you see to the kids for me while Detective Sanchez tells me what she knows so far?"

"Of course." She agrees.

"Xavi is being collected in twenty minutes by Jacob's mom." I cry. "Soraya is in her room and the twins are napping."

"Calm down, honey." She pulls me into a hug and I've never been so thankful to have her here with me as I do right now. "Arizona is going to be okay…"

"She has to be." I sob. "I need her, Barbara. Our kids…our baby…we all need her."

"You know she would never leave you." She tries to reassure me. "You know she loves you and will be home soon."

"Y-Yeah." I steady my breathing. "You're right."

"Maybe we should all just relax for five minutes, okay?" She cups my face. "I need you to keep that grandbaby of mine inside for a while longer." Throwing me a wink, she disappears up the staircase and I drop down onto the couch.

"Mrs. Robbins…" Detective Sanchez pulls me from my thoughts. "When we arrived at the scene, we found a note."

"A note?" I furrow my brow. "From Arizona?"

"No, we believe the note was left by someone else. Someone who may have taken your wife?"

"T-Taken her?" My mouth runs dry. "Who would take her? Why would anyone take her? She's never done anything wrong…"

"That is what we're here to find out." She gives me a reassuring smile. "Has there been any unusual activity around here lately? Either around the property or maybe Arizona voiced some concern?"

"N-No." I shake my head. "Wait! There was a car parked across the street a few nights ago. I was coming home from soccer practice with our son. It must have been around six in the evening, I don't know."

"And that was unusual?"

"Well, I didn't think so at the time…but now that you've asked, I've never seen it before and it hasn't been here since…at least, not to my knowledge."

"Nothing else?"

"Before she left earlier, she said someone had been calling her and hanging up."

"Did she know who was calling?" Sanchez asks. "Did she seem concerned at all?"

"No, neither of us did." I shrug. "We figured it was just someone calling the wrong number…"

"And what time did your wife leave?"

"Before midday," I say with certainty. "Around 11:50."

"The issue we have right now is that the section of road her car was found on…it's a black spot."

"What does that mean?" I ask, my anxiety creeping back. "A black spot?"

"The area doesn't have any cameras." The detective explains. "Whilst we fully intend on searching the roads of New York City for any sign of where your wife may have gone, once she leaves the city, it's going to be a little problematic."

"No, it can't be." I shake my head. "This can't be problematic."

"Mrs. Robbins, we are going to do everything we can to find your wife but we have to ask…is there any reason, that you believe, for your wife to disappear?"

"What does that even mean?" I furrow my brow.

"Is everything okay here, at home? Has she caused any problems with anyone within her business? Do you believe she had a reason to disappear?"

"N-No. No!" I give the detective an incredulous look. "My wife isn't someone who gets involved in things she shouldn't. She is a good person…a great mom. When she isn't working, she is here with me. She is here and fully present in our family."

"I understand that." Sanchez nods. "We just have to ask."

"Yeah, well while you're asking stupid questions, you could be out there looking for her!" Standing, I pace the floor and run my fingers through my hair. "Arizona would never disappear." My voice breaks. "She would never do anything to hurt any of us."

"We will be in touch." Both detectives stand and Sanchez gives me a small smile. A smile I'm no longer convinced is genuine.

"You haven't had much to say…" I switch my gaze to the other detective. "Why?"

"I'm just here to take it all in, ma'am." He gives me a small smile. "We will find your wife."

"The note." I narrow my eyes. "You said there was a note…"

"That isn't important right now." He gives me a reassuring smile.

"It is!" I state. "I want to know what the note said."

"Mrs. Robbins." Sanchez approaches me. "Let us worry about the note…"

"TELL ME!" Watching as they glance between themselves, Sanchez gives Jackson a slight nod.

"It's a ransom…"

"How much?" I raise an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"The ransom is irrelevant, ma'am." She heads for the door.

"How. Much!"

"Fifty million." Detective Jackson shoves his notepad into the inside of his jacket pocket. "Fifty million…by the end of the week."

"Who do I give it to?" I ask, without even thinking this through. "Do I make a bank transfer? Cash? What?

"We do not engage or negotia-"

"I'm paying that ransom!" I cut her off. "I don't care who or what you do or don't negotiate with! That is my wife and the mother of my kids."

"Give us some time…" Watching as they head out onto the porch, my heart sinks into my stomach. I need to pay that ransom. I need my wife back here with me. "We will be in touch, Mrs. Robbins." Another car approaching, I'm relieved to find Jacob's mom pulling up our drive.

"Eliza, hi." She climbs from her car. "I saw the news. I just…are you okay?"

"No." I drop my gaze. "And the police are freaking useless."

"You know, Soraya is more than welcome to come have a play date with Charli?"

"Would you mind?" I hate not having my kids by my side but I need to think. I need to speak to Barbara and we have to figure this out between us. "I just need them to not be here right now…"

"You just call me when you're good here, okay?" Susan has become a good friend of ours since Xavi and Jacob became friends. He's a great kid and we've had him over many times during the last few months. We just help each other out whenever we can. Giving Susan a nod, I motion for her to come inside and close the door.

"Xavi! Soraya!" My kids come rushing down the stairs and it breaks my heart to know that Arizona may never share this with me again. _No, I cannot think like that._ My wife would fight until her last breath to come home to me. I just…I don't understand any of this. I don't understand it and I feel helpless. "Soraya, you wanna see Charli?"

"Yah." She nods. "Can I?"

"Of course." I crouch down as best as I can and wrap my arms around her. "You'll behave?"

"Promise, mama." Giving me one of her gorgeous smiles, Barbara slowly descends the stairs and I can see that she's been crying. I'm close to the same again myself.

"Okay, guys." I stand up and straighten myself out. "Mommy will see you tonight, okay?"

"Love you…" They both say in unison. Watching my kids leave, Susan gives me a small smile and follows them, helping them into their seats. Glancing back at Barbara, I watch as she swallows hard and the tears come back tenfold for me.

"Eliza, honey…" Pulling me into her arms, she holds me like she has done many times over the years. She is quite literally a mom to me and I wouldn't have gotten through all these years without her. I really wouldn't. "What did the detectives say?"

"Someone has taken her." I cry. "There was a ransom note in the car."

"How much?"

"Fifty million." I sob. "I just don't know who I'm supposed to give it to. They won't tell me."

"They won't allow it, sweetie." She gives me a sad smile as I pull back. "It isn't how they work."

"She's my wife, Barbara. I have to do something."

"Hey…" She cups my face. "I said it's not how _they_ work."

"S-So?"

"That doesn't mean it's not how _we_ work."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated.**

 **I know some of you may choose not to read this, but that's okay. It's simply there for those who wanted a little more.**


	2. Chapter 2

*****THIS FIC WILL CONTAIN ASSAULT FROM HERE ON OUT*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Two

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

Pain. That's all I can feel right now…pain. I don't know where I am and I don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm in a world of pain. I'm more than sure my jaw is broken, but I'm also positive that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I mean, I was supposed to be leaving the city to discuss some plans with a new client, but I'm here. I'm here in what looks like a warehouse and my wife is at home alone. _I hope she doesn't know anything about this._ It will only worry her. It will only stress her out and I need her to remain calm. We have a baby appearing in less than two months so yeah, I need her to remain calm and if she has to do it…forget about me. It's no big deal. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. The thought of never seeing my wife or kids again is too much to think about. It's too painful and it only adds to the hurt I'm already experiencing. I'm trying to figure out who would do this to me but I'm coming up blank every time. Sure, I've had issues with clients over the years, but would any of them resort to this? No, I don't believe they would. _Sometimes you don't know people, though._

The sound of heavy boots approaching me, my heart pounds in my chest harder than ever before. I want to speak but I'm not sure I can. I want to question the people who ran me off the road and figure out how I can end all of this now. The blindfold pulled from my eyes, I'm met with a dirty looking guy and yeah…I've no idea who the hell he is. Maybe I'm just a random target, I don't know. Maybe he saw the car and figured he would choose me. _Why didn't he just take the car? I don't need it._ Hell, I'd have handed him the keys if he'd asked.

"Speak!" He spits.

"W-Why?" I don't know what else he wants from me. My eyes closing as he brings his hand up behind him, he backhands me across the face and the pain is too much. I can feel myself about to pass out, but I need to stay awake. I don't know what this guy is capable of and no, I can't be out of it while I'm alone with him. _He makes my skin crawl just looking at him._

"Where is your wife?" He asks, his voice hoarse and his breath anything but fresh. _Fuck me!_ Simply shrugging, if he thinks I'm going to tell him where Eliza is, he's more stupid than I originally thought. "I'll ask you again…"

"D-Don't bother." I groan, a smirk barely evident on my mouth. My lip is split, I can feel the throbbing. "She's gone."

"Gone where?" He asks, anger rising inside of him.

"Away from you." I clench my jaw. "You fucked up piece of shit!"

"Is that any way to speak to the guy who holds your life in his hands?" He smirks, his body moving closer to me. "Where is your fucking wife?"

"Fuck you!" Gripping me by the throat, my eyes close and I try to breathe through my nose.

"Listen, you fucking whore…I'm not here to play games!" His grip tightening, I focus on my wife. My wife and my gorgeous kids. "You don't comply, I'll fuck you and leave you for dead."

"Then you wouldn't get what you want…"

"Oh, I'll get it!" He laughs, the sound sending a shiver down my spine. "I always do!" Ripping my blouse open, I have to show him that I'm not scared. Inside, I'm fucking terrified, but right now…I have to play his games. If I want to survive and see my kids again, I have to do something to keep him at bay. "You know…" Pulling a knife from his pocket, he flips it and presses the tip against the skin above my breast. "Maybe your wife would like these back." Pressing it a little harder, I remain calm and breathe through my nose. I'm in so much pain that I want to die, but I can't. I can't because Eliza needs me. My kids. My beautiful kids. _God, I could cry just thinking about them. All of them. Xavi and that spark he has. Soraya and her fierce nature. My twins. My babies. Will I ever see them grow up?_ And then there is my unborn child. We're having another girl. A baby sister for Soraya. She was so excited when we told her but now that excitement seems like it was a million years ago. So far from all of this.

"What do you want?" I ask, my voice breaking.

"The money!"

"H-How much?" I ask, praying inside that this could all just be over.

"FIFTY!" He narrows his eyes. "Cash."

"I'll get it." I breathe out. "I'll get you whatever you need."

"And that nice little whore wife of yours." Grabbing a handful of my breast, my body shudders. "You can keep the kids…we just want your wife. She seems fun."

"N-No…" I disagree. "You can have everything I own, but my wife stays with me. I'll give you everything I have."

"She fucked us over!" He spits. "And now we fuck her over. Or we fuck you…your choice." He grins.

"M-Me." I choke out, my stomach somersaulting at the thought of this guy any closer to me than he already is. "Do whatever you want to me but you leave my wife alone."

"You are hotter." He laughs as he stands back. "Why do you think I took you first?"

"Who are you?"

"You'll know who I am soon enough." He grips my throat and pulls me up to my feet. "Move!" Dragging me away from the chair I've been sitting in, he kicks me in my lower back and I almost drop to the floor. "On the fucking table!"

"Wait, what?" I stop dead in the middle of the dark cold warehouse. _Please, no._

"I said on the fucking table!"

 _Oh god…_

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

 _Fifty million…they want fifty million._ I've spent the entire night awake and going through the client list for the business. Fifty million must mean something and I need to know what. I need to know why they want that specific amount. I've been calling Arizona's cell since the moment I knew something was wrong but I'm getting nothing. Well, I'm getting her voicemail now…which tells me her battery is dead. I have to believe that she is alive and okay. I have to believe that she isn't in any pain. If I don't stick to that, I won't make it through tomorrow. Or today since it's almost six in the morning. Barbara has taken our kids somewhere safe and right now, I miss them. I miss the noise around our home and the constant laughter my ears are usually blessed with. _I just need her home._ Barbara is working from her home and Arizona's brother, Tim, is on a flight from Dubai as I sit here right now. I've only met him on a handful of occasions, but I know how much he loves his sister. I know how much everyone loves my wife.

Barbara's plan when she left was to go home and discuss this all with Arizona's dad. Daniel, a staunch military man won't like this. I know he won't. That can only be a good thing, though. Knowing that he is angry means I have people on my side. It means my wife is cared about and well thought of. Daniel will probably disappear and conduct his own inquiries but so long as he brings her back home to me, I don't care how we have to go about this.

"Anything?" I glance up at Jo and she is staring intently at some paperwork in her hands. "Jo?"

"What's this?" She asks, her brow furrowed. "It's the only deal I can find worth $50 million."

"Let me see…" Taking it from her hands, I trail the page and realize its a deal I done on my wife's behalf. "Shvenka?"

"Mm, I don't recall that one." She shakes her head. "But I don't always handle them all…"

"N-No." I nod slowly. "I handled this one."

"So?"

"So, what if this has something to do with me?" I sigh. "I wouldn't go through with it…something felt off."

"What do you mean, it felt off?"

"Like, something didn't seem right." I trail through the paperwork. "They were Russian…Very abrupt and wanted the deal done immediately."

"What was it?"

"A hotel…" I state. "Arizona had fixed it up. Super high spec. Whenever they came to discuss anything, there were at least five of them around the table. Discussing in their language…very secretive and not wanting to answer any questions."

"So, you just pulled the deal?"

"Well, yeah." I nod. "I questioned their finances, you know…money laundering and what not. The main guy got pretty aggressive and ended the meeting."

"Okay, so something wasn't right." She scoffs. "We enquire about where _everyone's_ finances have come from. If they couldn't show it was legit, that is their own problem."

"Exactly." Pulling my cell from the far end of the bed, I bring up Detective Sanchez' cell details and hit the call button.

"Sanchez."

"Hi, it's Eliza." We're on first name terms since I've been calling her every hour.

"Mrs. Robbins, we don't have any more information yet." She sighs. "Not since you last called me forty-five minutes ago."

"No, but I might," I say. "Does the name Shvenka mean anything to the police department?"

"Not that I can recall." She disagrees. "But I can look into it."

"I pulled a deal two years ago worth £50 million."

"O…kay." She waits for a little more.

"Something about it felt off and the guys we were dealing with didn't seem like the nicest guys in the world."

"Shvenka, you said?"

"Mmhmm…" I nod, chewing on my bottom lip.

"Sounds Russian." She replies. "Could be a part of the Russian Mafia but I wouldn't like to speculate."

"I don't care if you speculate or not!" I scoff. "I just want my wife home, Sanchez. If I have to personally hand over that money, I will. You and no police department in the world will fucking stop me."

"Calm down…"

"I will…when you bring my wife home to me."

"Let me look into the name, okay?"

"Thank you." I sigh. "If you need any of the information from the deal, let me know and I can bring it to the station."

"I think it's best if you stay at home…" She clears her throat. "And keep your children out of the house."

"W-What why?" I furrow my brow.

"Because if this is who I think we could be dealing with, you will have to leave your home, too." I appreciate her honesty, but it's not making me feel any better about this. "The Russian Mafia are becoming more prominent in New York City…Prostitution. Human Trafficking. You name it, they have a hand in it now."

"S-She's dead, isn't she?" Tears slip down my face as Jo shifts closer to me. "Sanchez?"

"Honestly, I don't know."

"Oh god." My eyes closing when the detective doesn't reassure me, I feel like my life is about to come crashing down around me.

"But…I believe your wife is likely to be alive right now, Eliza. She is no use to them dead…"

"I have to go." Ending the call, I bring up a message from Barbara and send her a reply.

 ** _I may know who it is. I need you to keep the kids safe, Barbara. The Russian Mafia has Arizona._**

 ** _Kids are more than safe, don't worry. Daniel is on his way over now. Tim, too._**

 ** _Thank you._**

Placing my head in my hands, I try to breathe through this awful feeling that I have. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with any of the information I've discovered but I feel less hopeful than before the call to Detective Sanchez. A lot less hopeful. My cell suddenly buzzing beside me, my wife's name flashes on the screen and my heart twists in my chest. "H-Hello, A-Arizona?"

"Your poor little wife is kinda busy right now." A deep male voice filters through the phone. "She will be right with us once she has dressed back up."

"What the hell are you doing to her!"

"The question you should be asking is…what _haven't_ I done to her." A laugh sending a shudder through my body, tears fall freely down my face and Jo wraps her arm around my shoulder. "Ah, here she comes…a little unsteady on her feet."

"What do you want?" I cry. "You want the money…I'll bring it to you right now."

"Now we both know that is a lie." He tuts. "I don't like liars, Eliza." _He knows my name. Oh god._ "How are the kids?"

"Fuck off!" Arizona yells. "Don't listen to him, Eliza."

"Did you ladies want five minutes alone before I resume my activities?" He asks, his voice feigning sincerity. "I need to clean up anyway." Hearing a scuffle in the distance, the sound of breathing changes and I know it's my wife.

"Arizona, baby…" My voice breaks. "Talk to me.."

"I love you." Her voice tired and broken, I cannot bear this for much longer. "I'm okay."

"You're not."

"I am." She coughs. "Just…a little sore."

"W-Where?" I ask, unsure if I even want the answer to my question.

"Just…everywhere." She groans. "H-He said he was leaving." She whispers. "Later today."

"O…kay."

"I don't think he has anyone else here with him." _Does she mean she's going to make a run for it?_ As much as I want that, I'm not sure I like this idea. "He keeps charging my cell…it's active on and off when he decides."

"I need to call the detective. They can trace it."

"No, I just want to get out of here." Her voice breaks. "I'm in so much pain, Eliza."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for…" I feel like she is smiling through the phone but I'm not sure.

"Shvenka," I whisper. "You remember him? I think he has something to do with this. I'm looking into it. I promise."

"Yeah, the Russian guy." The sound of a heavy metal door startling me, Arizona clears her throat. "I love you…but I have to go."

"Please don't hang up," I beg.

"Whatever happens, just remember that I love you, Eliza." She tries to calm her breathing but I know he's back in the room with her. I can feel it. "Be safe, okay?"

"Arizona, don't go." I cry.

"I love you, Eliza." The call disconnecting, sobs wrack my body and Jo holds me as best as she can. I'm not going to survive this, I know I'm not. How am I supposed to even try to sleep or eat or function at all when my wife is with some fucked up maniac? How am I supposed to do anything at all?

A sudden alert on the security system pulling us apart, I bring the monitor up on my cell and find a patrol car outside the gate and two black vans behind it. Heading out of the living room and towards the door, I pull it open and allow them access. "Ma'am…" A guy who looks to be in security approaches me. "I need you to head back inside and pack a bag."

"W-Why?"

"Because we have reason to believe that the Russian Mafia is behind the abduction of your wife and it's safer for you to not be here."

"Please, I need to be here." _I have to be in case Arizona comes back._ "I-I'll pay…for protection, I'll pay."

"Maybe we can take this inside and discuss it further?" He raises his eyebrow. "You should rest a while."

"I can't rest." I head inside and he follows behind me. "I need you to do something…anything."

"We're putting a tap on the phone. Your cell and any other lines in this home."

"One in the kitchen and one in our bedroom…" I sigh. "I'm not leaving…I can't."

"That isn't up to me, ma'am." He sets down the black briefcase on the dining table. "Detective Sanchez will be here in a few minutes to discuss everything with you."

"Well, she better move her ass because I just got a call from my wife."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	3. Chapter 3

*****TRIGGER WARNING*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Three

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

Okay, I'm dying. I think I'm actually dying. For one moment, I thought I was going to get some relief when he offered me a drink of water. I don't know what the hell was in it but I woke up when it was dark, naked. Yeah, he really has done a number on me and right now, I wouldn't hesitate if he told me to hold a gun to my head. I really wouldn't. I love my wife and kids more than anything in this world, but I'm not sure this pain is worth it. I'm not sure what I've experienced is worth anything in my life. How am I ever supposed to come back from this? How am I supposed to begin piecing my life back together if he ever lets me go. I planned to run. I planned to just escape and run until my lungs collapsed. He had other ideas, though. He drugged me so I couldn't leave. He sedated me and did what the hell he wanted to me. He beat me. He choked me. He abused my body…and then he waited until I woke up. He sat watching me, a smirk on his face once I eventually opened my eyes.

Sitting slumped on the same chair I found myself in yesterday when I arrived here, I lift my head and find his eyes. Toying with the hunting knife in his hand, he spins the tip of it on his finger and doesn't take his eyes off of me. "You want food?" He asks.

"No."

"You want drink?" He raises his eyebrow.

"No."

"You wanna fuck again?" Watching as he stands, I don't even have the energy to shake my head. I don't have the energy for anything. Even breathing seems like a hard task right now. "Huh?"

"I don't care," I mumble, my chin hitting my chest again.

"You want food or not?" He crouches down in front of me and I glance up to find him staring. Just…staring. Something seems different in his eyes, but I don't know what. He seems…concerned.

"What?" I smirk. "Worried you pissed off the Russians?"

"W-What?" He furrows his brow.

"If you let me die, they will kill you…right?" I study his face. "And you won't get paid."

"I'm going to get food. Do you want some or not, bitch!"

"If you're going to rape me again…at least look me in the fucking eye when you do it." I spit. "No more drugs." I shake my head. "No more putting shit in the water."

"You think I want you like that?" He leans in close, his breath washing over my mouth. "You wanna be here for it? Fine!"

"I don't wanna be here for any of this." I groan as he grips my jaw.

"The room to the right has running water inside of it." He releases my legs from the rope holding them together. "Get yourself cleaned up and be ready for me when I return."

"Fuck you!" I stare him down. "You make me sick!"

"You fucking love it." He laughs. "You've got fifteen minutes before I get back here. I want you clean…and then your ass is mine." Smacking me across the face, I don't even make a sound. It's only adding to the throbbing in my face so whats the point? The more noise I make…the harder he is. "Get up and get fucking clean!" The heavy metal door slamming shut, my body shudders but I'm thankful for the alone time. Glancing around the room, I check for any signs of my cell but he's taken it with him.

 _I need Eliza._ I need her now more than ever before. She is the only one who can make me feel safe. The police could walk in here right now and I wouldn't feel as safe as I do with her. Climbing to my feet, I'm more than unsteady but I just need a moment to regain my balance. I've been drugged and beaten so my balance isn't going to be anything like it usually is. Approaching a small window, I don't recognize where I am but I can hear traffic. I can hear the usual busy New York night time rush and honestly, it settles me. It settles me because I know New York like the back of my hand. Hell, I own half of the place. Recognising one of the hotels in the distance, I'm not as far away from home as I thought I was. If I could just get outside and breathe some fresh air. If I could just make it to the outside…I could make it to a hospital or a police station. I may be in pain and barely functioning, but I can make it. If it means I can see my wife and kids again…I'll crawl there on my hands and knees.

He isn't stupid. He had another guy here earlier and I know he is outside. I know he is somewhere watching and waiting for me to escape. I can't risk that right now. I can't risk being killed because I couldn't be brave enough to deal with this until it's over. I want to believe I can get out of here but right now, it isn't possible. I know he will begin slacking at some point, but I've only been here two days…or was it one? I don't know. I don't know where I am or what time it is. I mean, has Eliza and the kids had dinner? Have they showered and relaxed this evening? I don't know and the more I think about it, the more it breaks my heart. I never should've gone on this trip. I never should've left her alone with the kids to struggle by herself. I know she doesn't struggle and I know she is an amazing mom, but I've just created problems for us…problems we don't need, and problems that honestly? I'm not sure we can ever fix.

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

"Okay, but where does that leave us?" I ask Detective Sanchez. "You have information on the Russian, but what do we do now?"

"We wait for them to call again." She nods slowly. "And they will…they always do."

"They haven't called since last night." I scoff. "My wife is probably lying dead and alone and I'm here waiting for a damn phone call? This is bullshit!" Standing, I pace the floor in front of the fire and pinch the bridge of my nose. "We're really just going to sit here and wait?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"And are you going to be there at her graveside consoling my kids?" I stop dead in front of the detectives working Arizona's case. "Are you?"

"We're hoping it won't come to that." She gives me a sad smile.

"Well, you know what? Hoping isn't good enough for me." I shake my head. "Barbara, can I speak to you alone for a moment please?" My body tired and aching, she gives me a nod and we head down the hallway towards the back of our home. "What are we doing?" I ask, my voice breaking. "You said we would just pay them off…"

"And that is what I wanted to do." She breathes out. "I have it there…ready."

"So, what are we waiting for?"

"A place to take it. Some kind of instruction." She leans back against the wall and drops her gaze. "Sanchez is right…we can't do anything until they call."

"There must be something we can do." I whimper. "I need to see her, Barbara. I cannot have this baby alone."

"You won't be alone." She takes my hands in her own. "I will be there…and so will Arizona." Her eyes telling me to trust her, I nod slowly and squeeze her hands tight.

"Thank you for being here with me."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, sweetie." She pulls me into a hug. "Now, Daniel wants you to head out back to him and Tim. He wants to know what Sanchez has told you…"

"R-Right." I smile. "Is he mad at me?"

"Who?" She furrows her brow. "Daniel?" She asks and I nod. "No, honey. He isn't mad at you."

"I am sorry I didn't protect her." My voice breaks. "If I'd known…I wouldn't have let her go on that trip."

"Honey, if she knew…she wouldn't have gone either." Giving me a small genuine smile, she motions for me to head out back and I do, sliding the door closed as I step out onto the decked area.

"H-Hi." I give Arizona's brother and father a small smile.

"How are you holding up, Eliza?" Tim stands and approaches me. "Here…take my seat."

"Okay, I guess." A tear slips down my face and I brush it away with the back of my hand. "Just…don't know what to do."

"My Barbara believes we're going to pay these bastards…" Daniel cuts in, his voice void of any emotion. "But that isn't how this is going to go…"

"O-Okay." I furrow my brow.

"My daughter is my life." He sips his glass of scotch. "And I will die for her…"

"D-Daniel, I don't think that is necessary." I shake my head. "We just have to wait for another call."

"Waiting for a call that may never come?" _Yeah, I know that feeling._ "No, Eliza."

"So, what do you suggest?"

"I'm going looking." He states. "I have my shotgun in the truck and one or two others…"

"No, you cant do this." I stand and approach Tim. "You have to talk him out of this."

"Sorry, Eliza…" He shakes his head. "I'm going with him."

"Please, just give us some time…" I hate that I'm talking them out of this, but I don't want to lose these two as well as Arizona. If she ever comes home, how the hell will she feel about this?

"Mrs. Robbins." Detective Sanchez steps outside and ends our conversation. "We've had a call."

"You _had_ a call?" I give her an incredulous look. "And you didn't come for me? I'm supposed to be the one who hears her voice."

"It wasn't Arizona…" She gives me a sad smile.

"Then who the hell was it?" I spit. "You know, you people are fucking useless."

"It was the hospital." _Wait, what?_ "A woman believed to be Arizona was taken in thirty minutes ago. Picked up on the street."

"S-She's alive?" I cry. "P-Please tell me she's alive?"

"She's alive." She nods. "I don't know the details but she is definitely alive."

"I have to go." I rush past the detective and into our home. "W-We have to go…" I stumble into the living room and Barbara catches me.

"Whoa, honey." She holds me upright. "Give yourself a moment."

"N-No…she needs me." I cry. "She needs us."

"She does…" Barbara agrees, her voice calm. "But seeing you like this won't help her, Eliza. Seeing her heavily pregnant wife so scared and worried…it would break her heart."

"Please, let me go to her…" I sob. "Please, she's alone."

"Come on." She presses a kiss to my hair. "Let's get you some warm clothes before we leave…"

* * *

Taking the elevator, Detective Sanchez is beside me and honestly, Barbara is holding me up on the other side. I feel like I'm going to collapse. I don't know what I'm going to be faced with when I see my wife but I know it's not going to be anything good. How can it be? I know he's hurt her, I can feel it. I could hear it in her voice when I spoke to her yesterday. Like, she was masking her pain and what he'd put her through. I'm not sure I can face reality when I step off this elevator, but I have to. I have to for my wife. For our family. For everything that we've ever built between us. The bell signaling our arrival, my stomach doesn't feel so good. Our baby has been fairly active this evening and I want Arizona to feel something normal. I want to go in there and hold her, our baby safely between us. I know that isn't going to happen, but it's what I'm holding onto right now. It's the only thing that could ever possibly keep this moment real between us. _What if she's in a really bad way?_ I don't know how I will react. I don't know how I will even begin to piece this all back together. I know we can do it and I know we can be okay again, but the guys who took her are still out there and something tells me that this isn't over. I don't know how she escaped or what happened back there, but I don't believe for one minute that they let her go willingly. I really don't.

Detective Sanchez gave me some information before regarding the deal I believe brought this on, but it isn't important right now. It was some twenty minutes ago before Arizona had wound up at the hospital but in this moment…I don't care about their reasons. I care about my wife and that is all. Everything and everyone else can go to hell. My kids are safe and locked away, so now I have to be here and whatever Arizona needs. Seven months pregnant or not.

Slowly making my way down the corridor that will lead me to her, I find armed police standing either side of her door, a curtain pulled around right now. "If you could just wait here a moment, I'll check that we are okay to see her."

"Hurry up." I breathe out. "She is alone and needs someone holding her hand."

"I'm sure everything will be okay and we can head inside." Sanchez gives me that smile I've been getting from her since yesterday. "Two minutes, okay?"

"That's all you have and then I'm going in there." I fold my arms over my chest, resting them on top of my bump. Watching as the detective talks with the nurse who has just left my wife's room, I try to listen in on what they're saying but I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. Hearing the words 'rape kit', I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. "I need to sit down." I stumble back and Barbara helps me down to a seat.

"I've got you…" She wraps her arm around my back.

"This isn't good, Barbara." I drop my gaze. "I just heard something and this really isn't good…"

"I'm sure everything will be okay."

"She was raped." I can feel the bile rising in my throat but I'm frozen in my seat. "I just heard."

"N-No." My wife's mom tries to hold back her own emotions. "No, that can't have happened."

"It did." I cry. "That nurse just said…" Watching as Detective Sanchez returns to us, she gives me a small smile and takes a seat beside me. "What's going on?"

"Just...some tests." She clears her throat. "Forensics."

"Tell me the truth." I stare her down. "She was raped, wasn't she?"

"Yes." Sanchez nods. "Everything is being processed now."

"You can see your wife now, Mrs. Robbins." A nurse approaches me and I stand, steadying myself as I straighten myself out.

"Can I just have a moment alone with her?" I glance down at Barbara. "One minute?"

"Of course, sweetie." She gives me a nod, a small smile curling on her mouth. "You know where I am if you need me."

"Thank you." I smile. "And you…" I glance at the detective. "You don't come in that room until I say so. Any questions…they can wait until I've seen my wife. Until I've spoken to her and held her hand."

"Got it." She agrees.

Releasing a deep breath, my knees feel a little shaky but I'm okay. I'm fine. Arizona is the one who is suffering right now, not me. Approached by a nurse as I'm about to step into my wife's room, she pulls me to one side and lowers her voice. "Your wife is in and out of consciousness…we've had to sedate her because of the pain, but she would like you to be by her side."

"What are her injuries?"

"Fractured jaw. Extensive bruising to her body. Burn marks to her wrists and ankles…what we assume to be rope related. A lot of it is superficial, Mrs. Robbins, but I should warn you, the mental scars are going to be far worse."

"Was she raped?"

"Yes." The nurse clears her throat. "Multiple times."

"Oh god." My hand covering my mouth, I blink back tears. "Can I go and be with her?"

"Of course." She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. "If you need any more information or you believe that Arizona requires attention, you come and find me, okay?"

"T-Thank you." Disappearing into my wife's room, I close my eyes and pull back the curtain. I want to see her and I want to be with her, but I'm scared to open my eyes. I'm scared about what I'm going to see. Steadying my breathing, I open my eyes and find the most heartbreaking sight I know I will ever see. "Oh, Arizona." My voice breaks as I round the bed and drop down in the seat beside her. "Baby, I'm here…I've got you." I know she is sleeping, or sedated, but I need her to know I'm here. I need her to know that I love her and I want her to be safe. Taking her bruised hand in my own gently, I study her face and honestly, I want to throw up. She's clearly been beaten repeatedly by the scumbag who took her, and her beautiful face is ruined. Her top lip swollen and her bottom lip split, my eyes focus on the handprints around her neck and where he clearly gripped her jaw. Both eyes purple and swollen, she has a cut to the side of her head, her once gorgeous blonde hair stuck to it. _She would be horrified if she saw herself._

My wife doesn't leave the house unless she looks her best. She looks incredible to me whatever the time of day, but to the public, she always looks pristine. Right now…I don't even have any words to describe her. She looks broken. Beaten. Bruised and violated. To know that the woman I've spent the most incredible time of my life with has been raped, I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot right now and I don't know what to say to her when she wakes.

A light knocking on the door pulling me from my Intense state, Barbara pops her head around the curtain and I motion for her to come inside. Closing the door behind her, her breath catches when she focuses on her daughter's face and my heart breaks all over again for her. "Oh, my baby." She cries as she comes to rest on the arm of my seat. "How could anyone do this to her?" Barbara cries, her arm wrapping around my shoulders. "She's a good person."

"The best." I sigh.

"She wouldn't ever do anything to hurt anyone else."

"I know." I nod in agreement.

"Daniel is going to kill him."

"Good." Not even realizing what I'm saying or agreeing to, I pull myself from my thoughts as my wife groans in the bed. "Arizona…" Her hand squeezing my own, Barbara rounds the bed and Arizona glances to her right to find me, and her left to find her mom.

"Mom…" She winces. "I-I need a minute…Eliza."

"I'll go and get us something to drink." Recognising their unspoken agreement, I give my mother in law a thankful smile and she steps out of the room, closing the door.

"Leave, Eliza." She closes her eyes. "Don't stay here."

"Leave?" I furrow my brow as I lean over the rail of her bed.

"Move on from me." She gives me a slight smile, her split lip and fractured jaw making it hard for her. "O-Our baby…" She breathes through her nose. "You don't have to tell her who I am."

"What? You aren't making any sense…you need to sleep."

"I-I don't want our kids…" She groans in pain. "...don't w-want them growing up with me f-for a mom." Tears falling freely from my eyes, my wife's dull blue eyes flutter closed and my own close. "Y-You can have everything."

"No…"

"I-I don't need it." Her head shakes ever so slightly. "Go, and just help them to forget about me."

"I need you to sleep, Arizona." My lips pressing against her forehead, she flinches but I'm not offended. She's been through the most horrific time of her life and no, I'd never expect her to just be okay with contact. "Sleep and when you wake up…I will still be here."

"You should get going." She turns her head away from me, moaning as her jaw causes pain. "I love you, but I don't expect you to stay. Take care of our that beautiful girl inside of you…she means the world, just like the others."

 _Oh god…_ I don't know what to even say to that right now. I don't know what to say to my wife to make this better. To make this seem less painful for her. Deep down, she knows I'd never leave her. Deep down, she knows I love her more than anything in this world. Right now, though…my wife is completely broken and I'm not sure I can fix her.

 _Come on, baby…you've totally got this._

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	4. Chapter 4

*****TRIGGER WARNING*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Four

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

God, I'm in so much pain. I thought the pain I'd felt over the last couple of days was bad, but this is so much worse. I can feel Eliza beside me, but I can't look at her. I can't open my eyes because when I do, she will have that look of disgust on her face. For me. For what happened. For how I look. I know they've told her about the repeated rape, and honestly, I'd rather she just left and took my kids away from me. Eliza and my family may have been the only thing that kept me going throughout it all, but now that I'm out of that place, I can't look at her. I can't even bring myself to think about my kids. Why? Because they're not mine anymore. They haven't been since I allowed him to do what he did to me. Since he forced me onto that table and I lay there and took it. The pain…god, the pain was like nothing I've ever felt in my life. Whether he was assaulting me or punching me in the side of the face when he pleased, that pain is something I will never forget. It's something that will never lessen.

I know that I've lost an amazing thing with my wife, but I had no choice. I had to survive. Even though I've been left with nothing, I had to survive so I could have some way of seeing my kids grow up. Even though it will only be from afar. Honestly, I just need to know that my wife will get through this pregnancy safely and I can leave with that knowledge. I don't know where I'll go and I don't know what I'll do, but my business is gone. It's done. This was the final straw for me and I don't want to ever step foot inside that office again. I'll hand the whole thing over to Jo if she wants it. If not…I'll sell up. Hell, I'll give it away. My time with my career is more than done and the only good thing I can bring away with me right now is the fact that Eliza and the kids will be set for the rest of their lives. Me? I no longer matter. Maybe I could stay with mom, I don't know.

Hitting the alert button to the side of me, I remain still until a nurse comes by. The more I move, the more it hurts. The more I think, the more painful everything becomes. I mean, I have a wife sitting beside me but I don't know why she's here. Maybe she needs answers. Maybe she needs to know what happened to me so she can finally leave and never look back. Right now, I can't have that conversation. I want to so she can be free, but I can't. It's too raw. Just like my body. That guy quite literally took everything from me…everything that I could never possibly get back.

"Mrs. Robbins." A nurse steps inside the room and approaches my bed. "Are you in pain?"

"A lot." I breathe out. "Can I get something for it?"

"One to ten…" She asks.

"Seven, maybe." I groan as I try to shift without waking Eliza. "What time did she come by?"

"She hasn't left." The nurse states. "I offered her a cot but she refused." She smiles. "You have a wonderful wife."

"Yeah…" I agree. _Not for much longer._ "Thank you." I give her a slight nod as she administers more medication.

"Give it a few minutes and you will feel a little better." Slipping out of my room, I glance to my right and find Eliza watching me. She's just watching me and saying nothing.

"You should be at home…"

"No, I should be here with you." She shifts in her seat and leans in a little closer. "My wife."

"I'm not your wife anymore…" I give her a sad smile. "I'm sorry about everything that happened."

"You are my wife." She says with complete certainty. "And you are the mom to our beautiful kids." Something flickering in her eyes, she stands and closes the distance between us. "I need your hand a minute…"

"W-Why?" I close down a little.

"Because someone is checking in with you…" She settles it against her stomach and our baby girl kicks. "Wanted to say hi…and tell you that she loves you."

"Until she arrives and sees what I am." My voice breaks. "Who I am."

"Arizona…" Eliza breathes out, her fingers lacing with my own. "I know you've been through the worst time imaginable, but I'm not leaving your side. I'm not going anywhere."

"How can you even look at me?" I give her a look of disgust. "How can you ever touch me again? Look at me…"

"Because I love you." She gives me one of her gorgeous smiles. "I love you, and unless you don't love me anymore, I'm not leaving your side. I'm not leaving our life that we share together."

"I thought about you…" I stare at the ceiling, my eyes filling with tears. "Whenever I was conscious, I thought about you."

"I thought about you, too." She runs her thumb gently over my knuckles. "Every minute of the day."

"Eliza…" I turn to face her. "How can we ever be okay after this?"

"Because we love each other enough to work through this." She pulls her chair closer and drops down in it. "I love you enough to help you through everything that's happened."

"You don't hate me?" I ask, surprise evident in my voice. "I don't disgust you?"

"Never, beautiful." She rests her head in the palm of her hand, her elbow propping her up. "I know you don't want this, but the detectives working your case will be here soon and they really need to ask you some questions."

"W-Will you stay with me?" I stutter. "I'm sure you don't want to, but I could use someone right now."

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere…and I meant it."

"I thought I was going to die," I admit. "I _wanted_ to die."

"I'm never leaving your side again." _God, I'd give anything for a hug from Eliza right now._ "Whatever you need…you've got it."

"Can I ask you something?" My voice breaks and she simply nods. "I don't expect you to agree or be okay with it, but could I get a hug?"

"It's all I want right now." She breathes out as she lowers the rail that is separating us. "Would you mind if I climb inside?"

"Y-You're sure?" I suddenly feel like I should stop this. "I haven't showered…"

"Are you able to shower?" Eliza asks as she pulls back.

"N-No, not really."

"Then I will help you…" She climbs into the bed beside me and it feels good. "Once I've had a long overdue cuddle from you…"

 _I don't know why I ever doubted her..._

* * *

I don't know at what point I fell asleep but I did, in my wife's arms. I just felt safe. Like I knew I would. I know we have a lot to discuss and I know the police are waiting to talk to me but I just need a few more minutes of this silence. This calmness. My wife's arms around my waist gently. The difference in her touch to what I've experienced the last couple of days is a little overwhelming but I have to try to not push her away. She has told me she is here for me and I have to accept that. Whether I want to run and never look back or not, she is here and she loves me. _I always knew she loved me._ It's why I held on. It's why I didn't take that knife from him and cut my own throat. I'd thought about it. I'd wondered how easy it would be, how quick it would be. Something stopped me and I know that it's this woman in my arms who did that. I know deep down, I couldn't ever bring myself to end my life. My family is too important to me and they would never have survived that.

"You feeling okay?" Eliza asks, her voice filled with sleep.

"Tired and sore." I croak out, my mouth desperate for some fluids. "Sorry I kept you here…"

"I wanted to be kept here by you." She slowly sits up, her baby bump preventing her from climbing from my bed with ease. "Sorry, I'll give you some space."

"The detectives are still outside, aren't they?" I glance at the door but thankfully, I've been given a lot of privacy.

"Yeah, I think they are."

"Where is mom?" I ask, trying to sit up a little better in the bed. "Ow! Fuck!"

"What's wrong?" Eliza rushes to my side. "Arizona…"

"N-Nothing." I clear my throat. "Just the bruising around my ribs." I lie. I can't even bring myself to tell her that there is a throbbing pain between my legs.

"Arizona…" She takes a seat beside me. "You can be honest with me…I'm not going to run."

"No, I can't." I sigh. "You don't need to know the details. I'm okay."

"But if you need to talk…" She gives me a knowing look. "Please, just don't hold it all in, okay?"

"Okay." I nod. "Can you ask them to come in?"

"You're sure?" My wife raises an eyebrow. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do." _God, I wish he'd said that to me._ "I'll get you all the time you need, you know that."

"I want to get it out of the way." I give her a small smile. "Then I need to shower…I have to shower." My skin feels like it is crawling but I'm in too much pain to even attempt to climb from this bed. Honestly, I'm not sure my knees could carry my weight right now.

"Sure." She approaches the door and steps outside. I know she's giving me a moment alone and I appreciate that, but I'll have to do this sometime. I'll have to go through my ordeal before too long and the sooner I can try to move on, the better for me.

"Arizona, hi." A female detective steps into my room and approaches me. "Detective Sanchez." Holding out her hand, I take it in my own and give it a slight shake. "I know this isn't an ideal time for you, but it would be really helpful if we could get an idea of what is going on here?"

"Sure." I nod. "What did you want to know?" Eliza comes back into the room and is by my side within seconds. "Hey, are you sure you want to be here for this?"

"I'm not leaving…" She squeezes my hand and focuses her eyes on the detective. "Unless you don't want me here for this, I'm staying."

"Just...I need you to know something." I face her fully. "I wasn't just beaten, Eliza." My voice breaks. "I wasn't just held against my will."

"I know." She gives me a sad smile. "I know…" I know she knows but I've never actually said the words to her. Honestly, I'm not sure I can. "Just…do what we have to do here, yeah?"

"Yeah." Having her presence beside me is comforting enough right now and I know that I can do this. I know that I can say or do anything without being judged.

"Do you have any idea where you were being held, Arizona?"

"In the city," I say. "Like, an old warehouse but close to everything."

"So, not by the water?" Detective Sanchez furrows her brow. "More inland?"

"Oh, yeah." I nod. "When I got out, I found myself close to the office. M-My office. I just can't say exactly where I was. I was barely conscious."

"Do you think maybe over time…it will come back to you?" She raises her eyebrow. "With some rest?"

"I don't see why not." I shrug. "I don't remember a lot right now but I haven't slept really…"

"Understandable." She smiles.

"They killed him, though," I say with certainty. "He left to get food. Told me to clean myself up."

"Okay…"

"I heard him coming back when I was in a different room and there was some kind of closet or cupboard…I put myself in there hoping he would think I'd escaped…and they shot him. There was a guy speaking another language but the guy who took me wasn't one of them. He was an American guy."

"So, the guy who took you and held you…he's dead?"

"Bullet to the head." I scoff. "I guess they figured he'd let me go and didn't need him around anymore."

"They didn't look for you?"

"No." I shake my head. "There was a scuffle. I waited a while but I don't know how long…then I left. I had to."

"I'm so happy you did." My wife presses her lips to the back of my hand. "I thought I'd never see you again, Arizona."

"I didn't think I'd ever get out of there."

"Do you recall anything from the day you left home?" Sanchez asks. "When you were run off the road?"

"It was a black pick up truck." I nod. "Old…maybe a Ford?"

"And it was the same guy?"

"He had the same voice but I can't be sure that it was the same guy." I close my eyes and grit my teeth as a dull ache settles in my jaw. "If it was him, he's dead. I stepped over his body as I left…"

"Are you in pain?" My wife asks.

"A little…" I nod. "Can we do the rest of this another time?" Sanchez sees the pleading in my eyes and nods, closing her notepad. "Thank you."

"Maybe you should rest up until you are home?" She suggests. "We have all of the forensics we need and we are still looking for the people responsible for this."

"You think it's Shvenka?"

"Well, not him." The detective sits back in her seat. "Someone shot him in the back three weeks ago."

"Wow, okay."

"The deal your wife pulled two years ago…we have reason to believe that the hotel was to be used for prostitution and human trafficking."

"You did good pulling that deal." I glance at Eliza and she drops her gaze. "Hey…you did."

"Yeah, and look what happened because I did." She scoffs. "I almost had my wife killed."

"No, that's not true." I squeeze her hand.

"Shvenka was in partnership with another guy back in Russia…Shirokov." Sanchez explains. "The bulk of the finance for the deal was coming from him…he's been on our watch list for some time."

"Okay…'

"When Eliza pulled the deal…something flagged up on our system and Shirokov was brought in for questioning…anyway, cut a long story short, he lost his money and went after Shvenka."

"And now that he's dead…they want their money back from me?" I sigh.

"That is what we believe…" She nods slowly. "I have to warn you both, though…you shouldn't expect this to be the last of them."

"No, nothing is ever that simple." I rest my head back and close my eyes. "When can I get out of here?"

"Your doctors believe that another day or so of rest and you should be able to return home." Sanchez stands. "We will have someone on the house at all times."

"And my kids? My wife? What are they going to do?"

"Protection will be on them at all times, too." She gives me a reassuring smile. "You'll be returning to the family home, yes?"

"Oh, I don't know yet." I clear my throat. "That is something I need to discuss with my wife."

"Yes, she is coming home…" Eliza cuts in.

"Just…not right now, okay?" I give her a pleading look. "We need to talk."

"I'll let you both get some rest." Slipping out of my room, the detective closes the door behind her and I glance at Eliza to find her giving me a look of confusion.

"What?" I furrow my brow.

"You're coming home with me, Arizona…"

"I can't." I shake my head. "I just…I should move in with mom."

"Please, don't do this…" She stands and moves closer to me. "You should be at home with us."

"And have the kids see me like this?" I scoff. "I don't think so…"

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Eliza brushes a tear from her cheek. "How am I supposed to sleep at night without you by my side?"

"I'm sure you'll live." I give her a sad smile. "Once you know everything, you won't ever want to be in the same room as me again…let alone the same bed."

"I know what happened, Arizona." She sighs. "I know that we have a huge road ahead of us, but I'm here for you. I'm your wife and I need to be here for you. Please…just let me do that?"

"I need some space." I drop my gaze. "Go home and sleep…you need to look after yourself."

"Y-You want me to leave?" She chokes out. "You don't want me here?"

"Right now, no." I glance up at her to find the most heartbreaking sight. "I'm sorry…I just need some time alone."

"R-Right, yeah." She approaches me and hesitates. "C-Can I hug you?"

"Yeah…" I open my arms. "I'm sorry, Eliza…I really am."

"I just want you to be okay." She breathes out as her arms wrap around me gently. "I just want you at home with me."

"I was raped…" My voice barely above a whisper, I feel like I need to tell her. Whether she knows or not, I needed to say those words to her. "If you can't do this, I understand. I wouldn't ever expect you to be okay with it, but I needed you to know."

"I know…" She pulls back, tears falling from her eyes. "I know, but we are going to be okay. I promise you…"

"God, I wish I could believe you right now." My eyes close as I try to hold back my own tears. Eliza doesn't need to see me break down…because when I do, I'm not sure my tears will ever stop. "Will you come back later?"

"Of course, I will." She smiles. "You want me to bring you some comfortable clothes?"

"That would be really great." I give her a thankful smile. "I'd call you but I don't have a cell."

"I'll pick you one up on the way home." She presses a kiss to my forehead. "Sleep, okay? Anything you need, you have a nurse call me and I'll be right back here…"

"I miss the kids…" My voice breaks.

"They miss you, too." She backs up towards the door. "But we will all be together before we know it, right?"

"Right…" I give her a fake smile. "Yeah."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Five

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

 _Three days later…_

Heartbreaking. That's all I can say right now. Everything about this situation is heartbreaking and as the days pass, the less I believe in my abilities as a wife. The less I believe that we can ever fix this. Arizona is broken. Her body. Her mind. Everything. Everything about my gorgeous, intelligent wife is broken and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She's shut down on me. That may be the case, but who can blame her? Who can possibly tell her to just get up and get on with it? She's in pain. She's hurting. She's devastated. This isn't a 'life goes on' moment for either of us and we both know that. We both know that the next few weeks…months...maybe even years is going to be incredibly hard, but I'm here for it. I'm here more so than ever before. Arizona returned to our home after I all but begged her at the hospital but I know she doesn't want to be here. I know she doesn't want to sit with me or talk to me or share her life with me. I'm not hurt or offended by that, but in some way, I guess I am. A tiny part of me wonders if she will ever want that with me again. A tiny part of me is waiting for her to pack up and leave. I cannot allow that to happen, but I also can't keep her here. I may want a life with her and a home with her, but ultimately, that decision lies with Arizona.

Barbara has just left our home with the twins, and I don't even know how my wife feels about seeing them. She was quite distant if I'm being honest and I didn't expect that. We decided that it would be best if Xavi and Soraya avoided seeing Arizona right now, but the twins don't understand what is going on. They won't remember their mom with a swollen face and bruised body. A fractured jaw and black eyes. It broke my heart watching her interact with them but she wanted to see them. She wanted some time with them and I would never stop that from happening, regardless of how she is feeling inside. Honestly, I was hoping it would give her a little relief from her inner turmoil but I'm not sure it has. I don't think it's made anything worse, but she didn't react to them how I thought she would.

She was closed off. Distant. Both mentally and physically. There was little to no contact with them but thankfully, they didn't get anything from that. They didn't wonder why mommy didn't want to hug them or kiss them. They didn't wonder why she wasn't on the floor playing with them. _This is heartbreaking, it really is._ Clearing my throat as I wave Barbara off, I close the door and give myself a moment to compose myself. I feel like I'm going to cry at any moment lately and it isn't what Arizona needs. It isn't what she needs to see or be a part of. Everything is just getting on top of me and not knowing what to do is making me insane. If I could just take all of her pain and fear away, I would. In a heartbeat, I would.

"I'm making some lunch, can I get you anything?" I head further inside our home and find my wife sitting on the couch, staring at the coffee table.

"No, thanks." She says, her voice void of anything and everything. "I'm not here, remember…"

"But you are." I give her a small smile but she doesn't even make eye contact with me. "And I want you here…"

"You should go and see the kids." She says, her eyes still firmly on anything but me. "You're their mom and they need you."

"I spent enough time with them last night...and they have a busy day today."

"Then I should just leave…" She attempts to move but I approach her. "Don't, Eliza."

"Don't what?" I back up a little and close my eyes, tears threatening to fall. "I just wanted to sit in the same room as you for a while…"

"Why?" She glances up at me finally. "So you can stare at me and feel sorry for me?"

"N-No." My shoulders slump. "Never mind, I'll give you some space." Turning, tears fall hard and fast but I can't stop them. "I just want to love you…" I whisper to myself as I head into the kitchen. Braced against the kitchen counter, I hear slow and sluggish footsteps behind me but I can't turn around. Seeing Arizona in pain is too much for me right now and honestly, I don't feel so good. My body doesn't feel good.

"I'm taking a lie down." She says, that emotion in her voice still scarce. "See you later."

"Y-Yeah." I clear my throat. "If you need anything, I'm here."

"Yeah, sure." Watching my wife disappear past me, her walking has improved a little over the last day or so but I know she's still in pain. I know she is in a world of pain, a pain I'm not sure I can ever take away.

"A-Arizona…" She turns back to face me. "I love you."

"Okay." Taking the stairs slowly, my wife once again disappears from our daily life and I'm left standing alone in the kitchen, wondering where the hell our perfect life went.

Taking my cell in my hands, I bring up detective Sanchez details and hit the call button. I don't know why I'm calling her, but I feel like I need to call someone. Someone who isn't a part of our usual life. Someone who doesn't know us. Teddy has begged me to allow her here but Arizona doesn't want that. She doesn't want anyone here other than her mom. Daniel and Tim left home yesterday but she doesn't know. She doesn't know that her dad and brother are hunting down the bastards who did this to her and I cannot be the one to tell her. The detectives don't know about it either and Barbara has made me promise not to let it slip to anyone. Not a soul. I'd thought about speaking up, but honestly…this could be the only way. If we want this to end, we may have to take matters into our own hands. They know what they're doing and I don't believe they would do this unless they were sure they would have an outcome. Neither of them wants to leave Arizona, but needs must I guess.

"Mrs. Robbins?"

"H-Hi, uh…Arizona needs to speak to someone…"

"About the case?" She asks. "I can leave the station now…"

"No, not about the case." I grit my teeth. "While you may be desperate for information, my wife is in a bad way. She won't eat. She isn't sleeping. I don't know the last time she even used the bathroom. I just…she needs to talk to someone."

"I'll have someone over there today." She agrees. "I don't know how much good it will do since its so early on, but I believe you know what your wife needs."

"Damn right I do." I spit.

"I'll call you when I've spoken to our therapist. Unless you have a preference?"

"Do we look like the kind of people who have our own therapist?" I scoff. "Life was great before those bastards did this."

"I understand." She clears her throat. "Leave it with me."

"Okay." Ending the call, I take a bottle of water from the refrigerator and move into the living room. Taking the spot my wife was in only moments ago, her scent hits me and a small smile curls on my mouth. No matter what we're about to face, I know that her presence will always be needed here. In our home. In our lives. Just…in our family.

* * *

Climbing the stairs slowly, our bedroom door is cracked open slightly but I don't hear any sound coming from inside. I hope Arizona is sleeping since it hasn't been possible lately, but I have a feeling she isn't. She just lies there. Still. Motionless. She doesn't sleep in her usual position or bother to make herself comfortable. She just lies there…waiting. Staring. Breathing. It's devastating to see, but I have to maintain my belief that things will get better. _They have to_. Pushing the door open slowly, she turns her head slightly and finds my eyes. "Sorry I woke you."

"You didn't." Her eyes return to the ceiling.

"I, uh…I'm just taking a nap." I lean against the frame of the door. "I'll take the guest room. If you need anything, wake me." Pushing off the door, I turn on my heel but the clearing of my wife's throat causes me to stop.

"Would you lie with me?" She asks, her voice barely audible. "Please?"

"I'd love to lie with you." I give her a sad smile. "Did you need anything?"

"N-No." She shakes her head slightly. "I can't take any more meds yet."

"Maybe something to eat?" I suggest. "Drink?"

"I'm okay right now." She gives me the smallest of smiles. "Maybe later…" Simply nodding, I round the end of our bed and take a seat on the edge. Lying back, my body is relieved to be in a comfortable position but I'm not sure if Arizona really wants me here. She has been so off with me that I don't know what to do for the best. Her hand suddenly finding my own, she laces our fingers together but doesn't say anything. Not a single word.

Closing my eyes and just enjoying this moment alone with her, I can feel that lump settling in my throat but now isn't the time to let my emotions get the better of me. Now isn't the time to be weak. Arizona needs support and crying isn't showing support. Her grip tightening, I feel her body shake beside me and it breaks my heart. "Hey…" I want to pull her into my arms but I don't want to freak her out. "What do you need?"

"I-I'm sorry." She cries, her eyes closing. "For how I spoke to you before."

"Don't worry about it." I try to calm her down. "I know you didn't mean it."

"It doesn't matter." She wipes a tear from her jawline, her right hand still tangled with my left. "You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry."

"Okay…" I wipe a tear from her face as I turn on my side as best as I can. "You know I'm here for you, right?"

"What does that mean?" She asks, her sobs subsiding.

"If you need anything, or if you wanted to talk…I'm here for you," I say. "I called Sanchez and asked her about maybe having someone come over who you can talk to…"

"N-No." She shakes her head. "No, Eliza…I don't want to do that."

"Okay." I can see she is beginning to panic and I really don't want her to worry any more than she already is. "I'll cancel."

"Promise?" She turns her head and her lifeless blue eyes stare back at me. "Promise you won't make me do that?"

"I promise." I lift her hand and press a kiss to her skin. "But I do think you need that at some point."

"I-I could talk to you…" Her voice trembles. "…if you would listen?"

"You can talk to me all night long, Arizona…" I squeeze her hand. "Until the sun comes up."

"Can I, uh…can I touch you?" She has a look of complete fear in her eyes. "Your skin?" Simply nodding, her hand settles on my stomach beneath my tee and rests on our unborn child. "Is this okay?" She asks, glancing down at her hand.

"More than okay." I settle mine over her own. "Whenever you need this…you've got it."

"I'm scared." She breathes out. "About everything…"

"Tell me what everything is."

"That I'm going to lose you." She admits. "That you will wake up one day and realize what we have become and you'll leave…"

"I don't ever want to live without you, Arizona. That will never change." While she is talking, I need to keep her doing it. "You know how much I loved you last week?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, I love you even more than that this week." Her eyes find mine and they look a little less dull. "And I'm not telling you this because of what happened…I'm telling you because you're my wife and you mean the world to me. Whether we are okay or not, I love you and I'm here for whatever you need."

"I love you, too." Her voice barely above a whisper, our baby kicks and the first smile I've seen in days appears on her mouth. "I love you all…"

"We know you do." I nod. "I've never questioned that."

"I have to try harder."

"Try harder at what?" I furrow my brow.

"At being better." She sighs. "At being myself."

"You're perfect however you're feeling." Shifting slowly in our bed, Arizona moves closer to me and suddenly curls her body around my own. I know she is trying not to groan in pain, but she will get herself comfortable. She will know what is best for her.

"Thank you." She cries into my chest. "For not kicking me out…" I don't even want to respond to that comment. One, because it's complete nonsense and two...because I'm scared she is going to leave this space we're sharing. Her arms feel too good around me right now. Her body just being close to me is more than I ever thought I would get when I woke this morning. "I'm sorry…"

"I don't want to hear any more apologies from you…" My hand settles on her back. "Just…we work together, okay?"

"Please don't leave me."

"Never." I turn my body into my wife's and her grip on my tee tightens. "We're forever, Arizona…forever."

"You'll help me through this?" She asks, her cries lessening. "No judgment?"

"None whatsoever," I say with certainty. "You are who matters and I want to be the one who works through this with you. I want to only ever be the one for you, Arizona."

"We're having a baby…" I can feel her smiling against me. "A gorgeous baby girl."

"We are." I run my fingers through her hair. "And she is going to love you just as much as the boys and Soraya do."

"You think?" She glances up at me, her eyes red and swollen more so than before. "Even after all of this?"

" _Because_ of all of this." I press a kiss to her forehead. "I know you won't always want to lie here with me like this, but do you think maybe we could nap together?" I know when she wakes this will all be totally different, but I'm taking what I can get right now. I have to. If after this snuggle I have to wait until forever for another, then that is what I will do. I'll wait an entire lifetime for my wife. "Only if you want to…"

"Yeah." She agrees. "Can we talk tonight?" She asks, her voice sleepy. "About what happened?"

"If that is what you want…yes." I want her to be open and honest with me, but I don't expect tonight to happen. Maybe it will, I don't know…but what I do know is that whenever Arizona is ready to talk…so am I.

 _Something tells me we are both about to sleep a little better for the first time in days…_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	6. Chapter 6

*****TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Six

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

I slept. For the first time in what feels like forever…I slept. Not on and off or broken, but a deep sleep. A sleep I wasn't sure I'd ever wake from. Eliza was still holding me when I woke and honestly, she is the only thing keeping me alive right now. She is the only thing that feels real since I got out of my worst nightmare. Seeing the twins earlier only made me feel worse about myself. I couldn't bring myself to hold them. Not only because of how I'm feeling inside, but because I'm in pain. Everything hurts still. My entire body. My mind. The bruises that I know are going to eventually fade. The cut to the side of my head doesn't seem as prominent as before but I know it hasn't changed in size. Noah and Joshua don't need to see me in this condition and there is no way Xavi or Soraya are going to see me until I'm healed on the outside. I want to see them more than anything and I want to hear their laughter but it just isn't possible right now. Why? Because they don't need to be traumatised like their mom is. They don't need to wonder what happened and ask questions. I could never lie to my kids so no, they cannot be here with me right now.

If Eliza wants me to leave so the kids can come home, I will do that for her. For them. I just want things to be normal, especially for our eldest two. I know their friend's parents have heard all about it via the media, but I'd hope they would keep their kids away from that information so my own don't overhear anything. I couldn't bear the thought of having that kind of discussion with them. I'd leave before they had the opportunity to ask. Climbing from our bed that my wife left around ten minutes ago, I'm thankful for the space she has given me, but I think I want to be around her a little more this evening. She has shown me nothing but love and support from the moment she arrived at the hospital and honestly, most of the time when I'm with her…things feel a little more normal. I know nothing is normal in our life right now, but at least it feels that way at times. At least I can lie to myself and pretend, even if just for five minutes.

Taking the stairs slowly, I find Eliza in the kitchen and preparing one of her lemon teas. I could really use a strong coffee right now but I'm not sure I can stomach it. Yes, I'm super hungry, but I don't feel like I can really face food right now. "Hey…" My wife gives me a small smile. "You want one?"

"Maybe I'll take a coffee?" Crossing the distance, I head for one of the kitchen stools and drag myself up on it. "Did you have any plans for dinner?"

"Well, I figured I would order in." She shrugs. "If you wanted to join me, I would really love that."

"Food?"

"Pizza…" She glances up at me. "It's what Baby Robbins wants right now."

"Maybe we could sit together for a few hours…" My wife sets a coffee down in front of me and the aroma hits me square in the face. "You know, I uh…I was wondering if the offer to talk was still on?" I toy with the cup now in my hands.

"Of course." She studies my face. "Whatever you want to say…I'm here to listen."

"I think I'll try some pizza with you." I nod. "But if you want to be alone, just let me know and I will get out of your hair."

"I don't want you to leave my side, Arizona." She leans over the island as best as her bump will allow and takes my hand in her own. "Just…tell me if I'm becoming too much, okay?"

"Too much?" I furrow my brow.

"I just don't know what is and isn't acceptable right now." She clears her throat. "I don't know what you want from me in terms of physical contact."

"I'm sorry." I drop my gaze and focus on my coffee cup. "I promise I'm not trying to push you away…"

"No, I know." She squeezes my hand. "But I don't want to initiate anything…"

"I guess I won't know until it happens." I sip my coffee and it actually tastes amazing. I haven't had much of an appetite at all since I arrived at the hospital. Only eating to help with my meds when absolutely necessary. "But I appreciate your honesty."

"I guess it's the most important thing right now." Eliza gives me a small smile. "Did you want to call the kids?"

"Oh, uh…I-I don't know." My anxiety creeping back in, Eliza can sense me beginning to shut down. "D-Do you think that would be okay?"

"Okay with who?" She gives me a look of confusion.

"You…"

"They ask about you every time I call, Arizona." She takes her cell from the counter. "You are their mom and they miss you."

"I miss them too." My voice breaks. "I promise I do."

"You don't have to convince me…" She rounds the counter and sets her cell down in front of me. "I know _exactly_ how much you love our kids."

"I just don't know if it's a good idea." I glance up at my wife, expecting all the answers in the world from her. "What do you think?"

"I think…if you want to speak to them, you should call them." I appreciate that she isn't pushing me right now, I really do. "Entirely up to you."

Picking up my wife's cell, I press the call button she has ready and waiting for me and wait for my call to connect. A familiar voice greeting me, I'm relieved to find my mom answering the phone. I had wondered if Eliza was lying when she told me the kids were with her, but I guess deep down, I knew they would be. "Hi, Mom."

"Arizona, honey…it's so good to hear your voice."

"Yours, too." I smile. "Are the kids behaving?"

"Of course, they are." Mom reassures me. "Soraya is taking a bath and Xavi is sitting right beside me."

"You think he may want to speak to me?" I ask.

"Mom!" The sound of my son's voice causing tears to well in my eyes, I close them and try to fight back the urge to cry. "Are you there?"

"I am, buddy." I breathe out. "So good to speak to you."

"Where are you?" He asks, his voice laced with confusion. "You said only one night."

"I know I did…but something came up and mommy had to work a little longer." I lie. "I'll see you soon, though."

"Promise?"

"I promise." I nod slowly. "Are you taking care of your sister for Grandma?"

"Yup. Grandma said we've been the best kids."

"Well, duh!" I laugh, my ribs aching. "I love you…"

"I love you, mom." He sighs. "I miss you more."

"Nu-uh…not possible." I glance up to find my wife watching me, a smile on her face. "You know, when I'm home…I'm taking you out for pizza."

"Yeah?" His voice is laced with excitement. "Really?"

"So much pizza…"

"You're the best." _Damn, I wish that was true right now._ "I got to sleep now, mom."

"You have." I glance at the clock. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay…love you."

"Love you too, big man. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, mom." Our call ending, I stare down at the screen and wonder if my two eldest kids have grown since I last saw them. Since I last hugged them tightly and laughed with them. God, I wish things were different right now. I wish none of this had happened and I was settling down for a relaxing evening with my wife. Pregnancy talk. Holding one another. _Maybe I could try to have a normal night._ I don't know how successful that will be, but if I clear my mind…just maybe this evening won't be as bad as I once thought. I know I have to talk about everything that is going on right now, and I'm okay with Eliza being that person for me…I just don't want it to ruin our evening. The evening I'm trying hard to make normal for us both.

"You enjoyed that, huh?" She pulls me from my thoughts. "Talking to Xavi…"

"I did…" I breathe out.

"That is the first time your eyes have lit up like that since you came home." Eliza gives me a sad smile. "Felt good seeing you like that."

"I'm hoping that will continue tonight." I slowly climb down from my stool. "I'll grab some meds and then we will order dinner, okay?"

"You still wanna spend the evening with me?" My wife's voice breaks.

"I do, Eliza." I step a little closer to her and my hand settles on her bump. "I was hoping you could update me on this little one?"

"I'd love that."

* * *

Okay, so I ate way more than I thought I would. I guess having my wife by my side is doing more good than I imagined it would. It's not that I ever doubted her, but I don't want to put her through all of this. She is heavily pregnant and she doesn't need this. None of us do, but Eliza…she really doesn't need it. She should be relaxing and preparing for a problem free birth. She should be getting her hospital bag ready. She should be doing all the things we did the past four times…but she's not. She's here and fixing me. Trying, at least. I want nothing more than to go back to how we once were, but can that ever truly happen? Can we ever really put this behind us over time and be happy again? Right now, it doesn't feel like we ever will. Right now, it doesn't feel like I'll ever take my life back…but I guess it's early days. _Very early days._

"I really need to pee…" Eliza pulls me from my thoughts. "Did you need anything while I'm up?"

"No, you've done more than enough for me this evening." I give her a small appreciative smile. "You should relax…"

"I am." She grazes my knuckles with her thumb. "I'm relaxing with you…"

"Thank you for trying, Eliza." I take her hand in my own. "It can't be easy for you being here with me...so thank you."

"You're safe and by my side…" She leans in and presses a kiss below my ear. "That is more than enough for me right now." _God, that kiss felt so good._

"You do what you need to do, okay?" I relax back, my body significantly less sore than it was when I woke this morning. "I'm okay here."

"I'm using the bathroom and then I will be back." She smiles as she climbs to her feet. "I've enjoyed this evening with you…"

"Yeah?" _Feels good to hear her say that._

"I've really enjoyed it." She breathes out as she heads for the staircase. "Just…don't leave, okay?"

"I won't." Watching my wife leave, she looks as beautiful as ever tonight. It's no secret that I find her the most attractive woman in the world, but we are so far from that right now. I couldn't even imagine getting naked in front of her but I think Eliza knows that _that_ side of our marriage isn't likely to exist for the foreseeable. _How could I expect her to just be okay with that?_ My eyes closing, I rest my head back and focus on my breathing. It's the only thing that stops me from crying lately but I'll do what I have to do and work through this however I feel is best.

I appreciate that she is trying to get me the help I need, but I really don't want to discuss any of this with some whack. Maybe in time, I will but right now I'm not there yet. If Eliza needs to know anything, I can do that…but only with her. Not with someone who is going to go back and discuss my mental state with another whack. It's just not who I am. _None of this is who I am._ The sound of my wife returning, my eyes open and I lift my head. "I wondered if I'd ever see you again…"

Taking a seat beside me, Eliza doesn't say anything but I know she is just allowing me to take this at my own pace. She is simply listening. No judgment…just like she promised. "It wasn't so bad at first…" I focus on the coffee table in front of me. "The pain in my jaw was my biggest worry when I first saw him. When he took the blindfold off. I just...I thought if I kept quiet, he wouldn't be so bad."

 _Nothing…_

"Then he talked about you and the kids and I lost it. Told him to fuck off." I sigh. "That's when he got rougher. Told me to move from the seat I was in." My eyes burning through the expensive glass table, they narrow and I can see him. I can feel him. His breath. His hands. Everything about him…it's here, in this room with me right now. "He forced me onto a table in the middle of the room. Said if I wouldn't give you up, he'd r-rape me instead." My stomach turning at the thought, Eliza settles her hand over my own. "I couldn't allow him to hurt you or the kids…"

"Arizona…"

"I'm okay." I glance her way, unshed tears in my eyes. "I need to say this. To someone…I need to say it."

"Okay…" She nods slowly. "But you stop…if it becomes too much, you stop okay?"

"Okay." She sits back next to me and I instinctively shift closer to her. I like her being by my side. It feels normal. "T-The pain." I close my eyes. "The pain was like nothing I've ever felt in my life." I can hear her breathing becoming a little unsteady, but I can't look at my wife right now. I can't see that heartbreak in her eyes while I'm talking this out. "I just…I didn't know what else to do. If I didn't just take it, he would've killed me and I'd have never seen you again." Brushing a tear from my jawline, her hand tightens around my own and I know she's got me. I know she's here for me. "That night, he drugged me. I thought he was being a half decent human being in some weird way and giving me something to drink, but he drugged me."

"Oh god…" I'm not sure she was supposed to say that out loud, but she did. I can hear the fear in her voice.

"When I woke up, I was naked." I can remember how cold I felt. How I just needed to be at home and warm. With my wife. My kids. In the home I'd worked my ass off for. "I don't know what he did to me, but I knew it wasn't good."

"I'm so sorry." My wife whispers, her body frozen in its spot. "I'm so so sorry…"

"When I had the opportunity to run, I knew I had to." I shift in my seat. "I just…can we do this?" My voice breaks as I face Eliza fully. "Can you honestly say that this isn't going to change anything between us?"

"Yes." She breathes out, her eyes flickering closed.

"When the time comes…and I don't know when that will be, can you really look at me how you used to? Can you love me like you used to?" I ask. "I wouldn't ever expect you to stay if you couldn't be intimate with me again, Eliza. I'd understand."

"I'll wait forever if I have to…" She stares at me, tears slipping down her gorgeous skin. "I just want to hold you and never let you go." She cries. "I want to sleep with you in my arms and wake with you in my arms but I don't know if you want that. I don't know if you even want me as close as I am right now."

"I do." I reach out and graze the back of my hand along her jawline. "I want those things too, but only if you are okay with that. I know he ruined everything for us, so I need you to feel comfortable, too."

"I've never _not_ felt comfortable around you, Arizona." Her eyes soften as her tears subside. "Can I hug you?" She asks. "But really hug you?"

"Yeah…" My smile widens a little but that dull ache is still more than present in my jaw, my mind settling now that I've spoken to my wife. "Can I sleep in our bed with you tonight?"

"I wouldn't allow you to sleep anywhere else." Her arms wrapping around me, my own tangle around her body and I release a deep breath I didn't know I was holding. A relief. I know everything is far from okay, but I do feel a little relief. I do feel like I can be honest with Eliza if I have to be. She isn't going to run and she isn't going to hate me. I just have to remember that. "That feels so good." She nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck. "I love you, Arizona. Everything about you…"

"I'm sorry about everything that is going to come…" I know it isn't going to be easy, so I'm apologizing now. I'm apologizing for the outbursts I'm likely to have. The depression. The mood swings. "I promise to try, okay?"

"I don't doubt you." She pulls back and studies my face. "I never have…" Inching closer to her, I feel like I need to kiss her. I don't know why and I don't know if its the right thing to do, but in this moment, I want to kiss her. A thank you, maybe? A thank you for not running and not pushing me away. "A-Arizona…" Her eyes switch between my own and my lips.

"C-Can I kiss you?" I ask, painfully close to her.

"Only if you want to." She gives me a sad smile.

"But what do you want?" I furrow my brow.

"I want you to kiss me every minute of the day…just like I've always wanted." Her thumb tracing the outline of my split lip, her eyes are drawing me in. Something about my wife has always made me feel wanted. Needed. No matter what I've been through, I still feel that way. Whether I believe I deserve her or not…Eliza will always be my oxygen. My life. My one and only. Her lips pressing gently and softly against my own, the smallest smile curls on my mouth and every ache and pain in my body disappear. It may only be momentarily, but this moment has just confirmed everything I need to know. I need my wife.

 _I need her now more than ever before…_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	7. Chapter 7

*****TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF RAPE/VIOLENCE*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Seven

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

Last night was everything I needed with my wife. We shared dinner. We talked. We just sat with one another and enjoyed each other's company. I wasn't worried about that, but I know Arizona was. I know how hurt she is and how much pain she is in. Honestly though, I'm so proud of her for trying last night. None of this can be easy for her. Knowing what I now know...no, it can't be easy. I'm not sure life will be easy ever again after this past week. After she talked with me last night, it took everything I had within me not to show my anger. She doesn't need an angry wife at home with her right now. She just needs my support. Deep down though, I want to kill someone. Deep down, I have a hatred I didn't think was even possible.

What he did to her. How he demanded and took whatever he wanted. He makes me sick and if he wasn't already dead, I'd hunt him down myself and watch him take his last breath. Honestly, knowing he's dead…I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, he cannot hurt anyone else but on the other hand, I want to see him. I want to punch him. I want to choke him until he stops breathing. I want to watch his life slip away with my own eyes. That isn't me at all but what he did…he is an exception. He is an exception to everything I believe and the more I think about him, the more I want to leave this house so I can disappear and scream.

This feeling I have isn't good for me. Me or our baby. I have to calm my mind and try to focus on anything other than that animal. Because that's what he is. _Or was._ A fucking animal. How dare he or _anyone_ for that matter put their hands on my wife? My wife who is one hell of a human being. Loving. Supportive. Kind and gentle. My wife who would give up everything she had to help someone in need. I just…I don't understand how anyone could take any pleasure from that. From rape. I know we don't all think the same way, but it takes one absolute scumbag to do what he did. It takes someone who has no respect for themselves or other people. I don't care what his background is. I don't care if he had it hard growing up or was going through a bad time…I'd still rip his heart from his chest and stand on it.

My wife deserves so much more than this but I don't know how to fix it. I feel responsible. I feel completely to blame. I don't want her to know that, though. Why? Because I'm a coward. If she knows that I'm to blame, she will kick me out of her life and that is when I'll truly fall apart. _Why the hell did I pull that deal?_ Why the hell didn't I just give them what they wanted? It wouldn't have affected me or the business. It wouldn't have made any difference to us at all. _I'm so fucking stupid._ My cell buzzing on the counter, I glance down at it and find my best friend calling me. "Hello?"

"Hey…" Jo breathes out. "Just checking in."

"Thanks, Jo." I smile. "Things are…okay, I guess."

"You sound like you've been crying…"

"That's the only thing I'm good at lately." I sigh. "I'm trying, Jo…I really am."

"I know you are." She tries to reassure me. "How are things?"

"Honestly, I don't know." I drop down onto the couch, my feet swollen and aching. "Last night was a better night but things are far from okay, Jo. Things are so messed up…"

"They'll get better."

"I hope so." I nod, my head resting back and my eyes closing. "Can I ask you something?"

"You know you can."

"What would you have done?" I ask. "If you had been dealing with the Russians, what would you have done with that deal?"

"The same as you…" She says, her voice certain. "Why?"

"Just…curious."

"Wait, you're not thinking that this is your fault?" She scoffs. "Eliza?"

"Maybe, yeah."

"That's bullshit! We both know that."

"Maybe but look what it caused? Look what happened to my wife…"

"That isn't your fault…" She sighs. "Have you spoken to Arizona about it?" Jo asks.

"No." I shake my head. "Arizona doesn't need to hear it. She really doesn't…"

"Doesn't need to hear what?" Arizona's voice startles me from my conversation. "Huh?"

"Jo, I have to go…" I sit forward. "I'll call you in a few days, okay?"

"No problem. Bye, Lize." Ending the call, I glance up at my wife and she gives me a look of confusion.

"Hey, uh…" I clear my throat. "How was your nap?"

"Fine…didn't nap." She continues to stare at me. "So, what exactly don't I need to hear?"

"Oh, nothing." I wave off her question. "Nothing that matters anyway."

"Eliza…" She gives me a knowing look, the bruising around her eyes beginning to yellow.

"I was just thinking about the deal." I sigh. "You know if I should've just gone with it and went through with the sale…"

"Would you have done that for any other client?" She asks as she slowly sits down beside me. "Would you have questioned them or would you have gone through with it?"

"I'd have questioned them," I say. "It's company policy."

"Exactly." She settles her hand over my own. "So, why are you second-guessing yourself?"

"Just…because." I give my wife a sad smile. "I don't know…"

"I want the truth, Eliza." She furrows her brow. "You promised me we would be honest with each other…"

"This is all my fault." My voice breaks. "If I'd just gone through with it…if I'd just stopped being so fucking particular about the business, none of this would have happened."

"And then they would have the perfect place to run their nasty business from." She scoffs. "You heard Sanchez. Prostitution. Human trafficking."

"But that isn't my business." I shake my head, my gaze dropping. "You are my business and I let you down, Arizona. I ruined your life."

"No, you didn't." She stands and disagrees, her head shaking. "They did this to me…not you."

"As good as." I breathe out. "I don't know how you don't feel the same."

"Because it's bullshit and you know it." She disappears into the kitchen. "I'm not fighting with you about this, Eliza." She shakes her head. "You know that you did the right thing in pulling that deal. Whatever came after it…it's on those bastards, not you."

"You said it yourself, though." I stand and approach the kitchen island. "They wanted me and you wouldn't give me up."

"And that was my own choice." She gives me a hard stare. "I need for this to not come between us, please…"

"I'm sorry." I drop my head on my shoulders. "It's just how I feel, Arizona."

"Can you help me do something?" My wife asks. I know she is deflecting, but I guess that's okay. I know how I feel inside and so long as I don't allow it to eat away at me, we will be okay.

"Of course, yeah…" I furrow my brow. "What is it?"

"I'd really like to take a bath." She clears her throat. "I just…I can't do it alone."

"I'll go and prepare it." I head straight for the staircase.

"T-Thank you." She gives me a small smile. "I promise I won't bother you for the rest of the day."

"You're not bothering me." I give her a final smile before taking the stairs slowly. I'm feeling huge today but I'm feeling okay within myself. My tiredness doesn't feel so bad since we both slept better last night and I'm praying the same will happen tonight.

* * *

"Arizona?" I call out from the top of the staircase. "You ready?"

"Yeah." She groans as she climbs to her feet. I can just about see her moving around downstairs but she doesn't look like she needs any help. "Sorry, things seem a little slow today."

"Don't worry about it." I give her a sad smile as she takes the stairs slowly. "I'm not overly active today, either."

"The kids okay?"

"Yeah." My smile widens. "Soraya wants to see you and Xavi has a soccer game tonight."

"You should go and be with them." She winces as she reaches the top of the stairs. "Especially Xavi's game."

"Your mom is with him." We both head towards the bathroom. "I'll call him tonight…or you could?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." She gives me a small smile.

"So, your bath is ready." I stop in front of the open door. "Put some of your favorite things in…"

"Thanks." My wife leans in and presses a kiss below my ear. After sharing a much-needed kiss with her last night, it's been on my mind all day. It just felt normal. Like it was supposed to. It felt like for a moment, my wife was in the room with me and nothing was wrong in our lives.

"Just call out if you need anything, okay?"

"Oh, uh…okay." Something changes in her eyes and I study her face.

"What is it?"

"Nothing…never mind." She gives me a smile but I know it's fake. "I won't be long." Stepping into the bathroom, the door closes and I furrow my brow. _Okay?_

"Arizona?" I knock lightly on the door. "Is everything okay?"

"Sure, yeah." Her voice breaks, her cries muffled. "Thanks for your help…"

"Hey, did you need something else?" I ask. "I've left you a towel out and some fresh clothes."

"No, got everything." I don't hear any movement coming from inside and honestly, I don't know what's going on. Does she not want to take that bath now? It's no problem if she doesn't. It's just some water.

"Can I come in?"

"Y-You don't have to do that." She stutters. "I'll be okay."

"But I'd like to…if that would be okay with you?"

"Okay…" Her voice quiet, I open the door to find her still fully clothed and frozen in her spot in the middle of the room. "Sorry."

"For what?" I ask, closing the door behind me.

"Being like this." She laughs sarcastically. " I just…I think I need help."

"O-Oh." I give her a sad smile. "I'm sorry…I didn't think you wanted me to be in here with you."

"If you wouldn't mind?" She glances up at me and I can see the worry in her sad blue eyes. "I-I'm sure you don't want to see me naked, and I understand…so it's okay if you don't want to help."

"I want to help." My thumb brushes her cheek. "Come on, it will need refilling if we don't get you out of these clothes soon." Trying to be as nonchalant about this as possible, inside I'm terrified. I haven't seen her wounds. Her bruises. She always locks herself in the bathroom to dress and showers are something we don't share anymore. Lifting her tee from her body, I focus on her face and she doesn't lose my eyes. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah." She breathes out as she slips her sweats from her legs. Stepping out of them, I know she is completely naked right now but I don't want to look at her for fear of her freaking out. It would be completely understandable if she did panic, but I don't need to be the cause of that panic. It would break my heart.

"You ready to climb in?" I ask as she steadies herself via my shoulders. "I wasn't sure how hot you wanted it but you can add a little more if you need to…"

"Thanks…" She squeezes my shoulder as she lifts her left leg and steps into the tub. A look of pain on her face, I close my eyes and try to remain calm. Keep my emotions in check. "S-Shit…" She whispers as she lowers herself into the tub, my arm linked under her own for support. "A-Ah…" Her eyes closing as she settles in the water, a tear slips down my face but I brush it away immediately.

"Is it okay?" I ask, my eyes burning through the bruising to her back.

"It hurts…" Her voice breaks.

"What does?" I somehow manage to climb down to my knees and settle beside her. "Hey?"

"The water." She trembles as she tries to breathe through the pain she is clearly experiencing.

"Is it too hot?" I ask, taking a sponge from the side of the tub and squeezing some vanilla body wash on it.

"N-No…" She drops her gaze and shakes her head. "Just…what he did." She whispers. "It hurts."

"O-Oh." My own voice trembles when I realize that my wife is talking about the rape. Her body…her most intimate parts…hurt. _I can't take this._ I want to be able to, but this is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced in my life. Seeing her like this. Knowing that she is in pain just sitting in the tub…fuck. "Arizona?" I clear my voice of any emotion as I sponge her back, the bruises just there to see. The handprints. The scratches. Deep purple patches that I'm not sure I can ever unsee.

"Yeah?" She asks, her body not shaking as much as it was a moment ago. "Does it always hurt?"

"Yeah…mostly."

"When is it worse?" I ask. "Does anything make it feel a little better?"

"Lying down makes it less painful." She admits. "When I sit…it hurts."

"D-Did he…" Shaking my head, I'm not sure how to even have this conversation with her. I'm not sure I should even encourage this right now. "You know…"

"Did he what?" She glances over her shoulder and finds my eyes.

"Just…with you saying it hurts when you sit, you know?"

"Oh, no." She shakes her head. "No, it wasn't like that." _Oh, thank god._ I'm also thankful that my wife knows what I'm asking without actually having to say it. I'm not sure I could ever bring myself to say the words I need answers to.

"A-And, um…did they do tests?" I clear my throat, her body relaxing as the hot water glides over her sore skin.

"Y-Yeah." She nods. "Negative."

"All of them?" I ask.

"Yeah, all of them." Bringing her knees up to her chest, she rests her chin on them and sighs. "Eliza, you should be relaxing…"

"I'm okay."

"You shouldn't be sitting on a cold floor here with me…"

"Yes, I should." I press a kiss to her shoulder as I sit up on my knees a little. "I should always be here with you."

"That felt good…" She reaches her hand around to her shoulder and grazes the spot where my lips have just been. "Y-You always feel good."

"Good…" I brush her hair from her face. "You know, I'm so proud of you."

"W-Why?" She furrows her brow.

"Because you are incredible and you're my wife so I wanna be proud of you."

"I don't feel any pride." She focuses on the tub.

"But you will…" I press a kiss to the side of her head. "In time…you will."

"You think?" She asks, unshed tears in her eyes.

"I know," I say with certainty. "I know because you are the strongest person in this world and you are beautiful."

"Not anymore." She gives me a sad smile. "But thanks."

"I'd say more so now than ever before…" My arm wrapping around her shoulder, it's a little hard for me to comfort her right now with the position she is in and the huge baby bump between us. "I don't expect anything to be good for you any time soon, but we don't rush this, okay? Whatever you need…you've got it."

"I love you…" Her voice breaks. "And I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for you."

"Where would you be?"

"Dead." She says, her voice void of any emotion. "I'd be dead."

"Don't say that." I breathe out against her hair, my eyes closing. "You survived and you will work through this. I know you will."

"Only with you by my side…"

"Good thing I'm always going to be here, huh?"

"Yeah." She closes her eyes. "Good thing…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Eight

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

I don't feel so good today. I know I've only been home from the hospital for three days, but I felt like I was making progress last night when Eliza helped me take a bath. I felt like I could maybe see this ending sooner than I thought. I know it doesn't work that way and I know some days will be harder than others, but last night felt good. The night before too. Today, though? Today I feel like I'm going to blow at any moment. Today, I feel like I want to lock myself away in a dark room and not speak to anyone. _I just want to feel okay._ My wife's due date is approaching and yes, we still have a good six weeks to go, but that doesn't mean it won't come sooner. That doesn't mean she isn't going to need me when our baby decides she wants out of her current home. My biggest worry right now is that I can't be the loving and supportive wife Eliza will need in that moment. When her waters break, I feel like I won't know what to do. Of course I know what to do…it will be the fourth time. Today, it doesn't feel that way, though. Today…today is a bad day. I can feel it building and I don't like it. _I don't like any of this._

Curling into the fetal position on the couch, Eliza is upstairs taking a shower. I spent the night in our bed with her last night but I don't want her to get her hopes up. I don't want her to think that things are getting better because honestly, they don't feel like they are right now. If I could go back to last night when I felt a little normal, I would take that evening over any of this. Even if it is just pretending. Even if we are lying to ourselves. It beats feeling this way, it really does.

I called my mom a little while ago hoping to speak to my dad but he's on a fishing trip with Tim. I don't know why because the two of them do nothing but fight, but maybe all of this has brought them closer, I don't know. I know they love each other and I know we would all do anything to make the other happy but they clash. They disagree on everything and no matter who is right, neither of them will own up to their crap. Neither of them will be the bigger person and let it go. I thought about calling my dads cell but mom doesn't think he will have any reception out on the water. I just wanted to hear his voice. The protectiveness in it. I guess I just thought that maybe it would calm me. Set me up for the day. I know that probably wouldn't work, but at the time...it's what I believed I needed.

My cell buzzing on the coffee table, I sigh and lean forward, refusing to leave the position I've finally got comfortable in. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Robbins." Detective Sanchez filters through my cell. "How would you feel about us coming by and updating you on some new developments?"

"Whatever," I say, my voice void of any interest. "If you need to…"

"Well, we want you to be up to date with where we're at." She replies.

"Fine." I breathe out, my thumb hitting the end call button. Dropping my cell to the floor, there is nothing but silence around me but it feels good. When there is silence, I can think. Even if I know I shouldn't be. It just gives me time to think about what's happened. What's going to happen? How I'm supposed to work through this. I know nothing will ever be the same for me again, so I have to figure out how best to fix what I can. I have to figure out how to move on and be the best version of myself I possibly can. _I'm not sure I'll ever be me again._

"Did you just get a call?" My wife startles me as she takes the staircase.

"Yeah."

"Anything important?" She asks, her body approaching me.

"Nope." Turning onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling and remain silent.

"I thought maybe we could catch a movie tonight?" Narrowing my eyes, I'm beginning to wonder how easy it would be to find a hit man. One that would be willing to take on the Russian Mafia. _Yeah, I'm not that lucky. Who the hell would want to take that on?_ "Arizona?" My wife's hand settling over my own, I flinch and she pulls away. "Sorry…"

Sitting up, I pull my legs up and take a seat on the edge of the couch. "I'm taking a nap," I say barely above a whisper. "Sanchez is on her way over." Standing, I round the coffee table and head for the staircase. "I'm sure she can tell you whatever it is she has to say."

"Are you okay?" Eliza asks as I take the first step.

"Do I look okay?" I scoff.

"N-No, I'm sorry." She drops her gaze.

"Don't ask stupid questions…" Disappearing up the stairs, I knew that was coming. I knew I was going to say something I shouldn't and now...I've hurt my wife. _Damn it!_ Turning back when I reach the top of the stairs, I find Eliza watching me, heartbreak and sadness in her gorgeous green eyes. "I'm sorry…" I shake my head. "Maybe you should head out for the day…"

"No, I should be here…"

"Why? So you can look after me? The victim…"

"No, I just want to be here with you…" She sighs. "But I can leave if that's what you want?"

"Do whatever you want." I shrug. "I'm headed to bed for the rest of the day."

"Arizona, it's only midday…"

"So?" I furrow my brow. "What else have l got around here to keep me busy?"

"Nothing, I guess." Her shoulder slump and she backs away from the bottom of the stairs. "Nothing at all…" Her hand settling on her bump, I pinch the bridge of my nose and release a deep breath. "Eliza, wait."

"I have things to do." She gives me a sad smile. "See you whenever you decide to join us…"

"Way to go, asshole." My frustration beginning to get the better of me, I shake my head in disappointment and head for our bedroom. I don't know what the hell my problem is today but I need to snap out of it. I need to change my attitude and not take it out on the one person who has been here for me. The one woman who I could never do this without.

 _I need to change myself…_

* * *

"Arizona?" A light knocking on our bedroom door pulling me from my thoughts, I close my eyes and take a breath. "You awake?"

"What?"

"Just, Uh...Sanchez would really like to speak to you." My wife's uncertainty as she speaks to me breaking my heart, I slowly climb from the bed I shared with her last night and approach the door. "Did you think mayb-"

"Fine, I'm coming." Pulling the door open a little hard, it bounces off of the wall it hits and Eliza flinches a little, stepping back.

"Right, Yeah." She gives me an awkward smile.

"It's a waste of fucking time but she clearly doesn't have anything better to do…"

"Just hear her out, okay?" She gives me a pleading look.

"What do you think I'm doing?" I roll my eyes as I brush past her and head for the staircase. Taking them a little quicker than I probably should, I come face to face with Sanchez and someone else I've not seen before. "Who are you?" I spit.

"Mrs. Robbins." The male stands. "Detective Jackson." He holds out his hand and I back away.

"Get out!"

"Ma'am…" He clears his throat.

"I said get out of my fucking home!" Moving towards the door, I pull it open and the detective closes his notepad.

"I'll wait in the car." He glances back at Detective Sanchez. "Mrs. Robbins." He nods as he leaves. Glancing back at my wife, she is watching me, her brow furrowed.

"Why the hell did you let him in here?" I ask incredulously. "And why the hell did you bring him?"

"He's my partner, Arizona. He's working your case."

"So, he likes visiting women who've been fucking raped, yeah?" I scoff. "Fucking pig!"

"Maybe I should come back another time." She stands. "Give you ladies some space."

"Maybe you should close the case and I'll fix this myself." I counter. "I mean, you haven't done anything so far. Other than protecting my home...You've been freaking useless."

"Patrick Danson." Sanchez stands. "Your attacker...his name was Patrick Danson."

"How do you know that?"

"Perfect match with the DNA we collected from you."

"You collected from me?" I laugh. "You mean the _rape_ kit I had done?"

"Yes, ma'am." She gives me a nod in agreement. "From the rape kit."

"So, he's known to you?" I raise an eyebrow. "The guy who fucked my life up has done it before?"

"Yes."

"And because you didn't do your job properly last time, this happened to me…" I drop down on the couch. "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"Danson did time twenty years ago." She states. "He's been out for almost seven and until now, he kept his nose clean."

"Well aren't I the fucking lucky one, huh?" I give her a sarcastic smile.

"From what we can gather, he's been working with the Russians for a couple of years. Usual stuff…informant. Look out. The guy who runs around for them."

"Great." I roll my eyes. "He's dead now so why does he matter?"

"Well, I guess he doesn't." Sanchez nods. "But we really do need to know where his body is."

"I don't know where it is." I sigh. "I can't remember where I escaped from."

"I understand." She gives me a sympathetic smile.

"No, I don't think you do." I stand and begin pacing the floor. "I don't think you understand at all. He has fucking ruined me. Everything. He's ruined my fucking life so don't dare sit there and tell me you understand because you really don't. You don't understand anything. You leave here and go home to your perfect life while I have to try and pick up the pieces of what's left of mine."

"Arizona," Eliza speaks for the first time since I rudely walked away from her. "Don't work yourself up…"

"Why?" I furrow my brow. "What else am I supposed to do? Pretend that everything is fine? Pretend that nothing happened? This is fucking bullshit! All of it!"

"You should try to relax." She gives me one of her adorable smiles but it's lost on me right now. "Please, for me?"

"Eliza, they're here talking absolute shit." I laugh. "And you just want me to relax? You really think it's that fucking simple?"

"No, I don't think any of this is simple…or easy."

"Could've fooled me." I snort. "I'm done with her bullshit." I point at the detective. "And I want _her_ out of here…"

"You heard her." Eliza sighs as she turns her attention to the detective. "I think it's best if you leave…"

"You'll call us?" Sanchez asks. "If you remember anything?"

"Sure…whatever." I laugh as I head for the stairs. "It's my number one priority." Taking the stairs slowly, I hear Eliza talking low but I'm not interested in what either of them has to say right now. How am I supposed to relax when they aren't any closer to finding out who done this? How am I supposed to relax when my kids are away from me and I cannot see them? This is all kinds of fucked up, but _I'm_ supposed to relax.

 _Fucking bullshit…_

* * *

I've been locked inside our bedroom for the last three hours and I know Eliza is mad at me. I don't blame her, but I could really use some company right now. I'd go down and sit with her but I'm not sure I can trust myself. I'm not sure I can promise myself that I won't blow up again. I'd say she gets it and she understands, but she shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have acted how I did with her earlier. I shouldn't have spoken to her how I did. On more than one occasion. Sitting up on the edge of the bed, I place my head in my hands and sigh. I don't know how to work through this anger today. This is the worst its been so far and I don't know how I'm supposed to just relax like my wife suggested. I know she means well but today…there is no talking to me. I know it.

The sound of a light knocking on our bedroom door pulling me from my pity party, I glance up at the door and clear my throat. "Yeah?"

"I-I brought you some coffee…" Eliza's voice low and unsure, I stand and approach the door separating us. Unlocking it and opening it, she has unshed tears in her eyes. "You don't have to take it but I made it anyway."

"Thanks." I take it from her hand.

"You're welcome." Turning and about to walk away, I gently grip her hand and my wife turns back to face me. "Arizona, you don't have to do this."

"I do." I drop my gaze, setting my cup down on the dresser. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She shrugs a little. "I'll just leave you alone. I'm doing more harm than good."

"That's not true." I squeeze her hand. "You've been great."

"But not good enough." She sighs, her voice breaking. "I'm just trying to be there for you but whatever I do or say…I make things worse for you."

"You haven't made anything worse."

"I shouldn't have allowed Detective Jackson in here…I didn't think, I'm sorry."

"You didn't know I would react like that." I give her a sad smile as her eyes find mine. "Even I didn't know I would react like that."

"But I should've anticipated your reaction." She replies. "I should've known. I just…I want to protect you from everything and everyone but it never works out that way."

"You've done more than protect me." I dip my head when she drops her gaze again. "You've loved me and that is more than I expected from you."

"You're my wife, Arizona." She furrows her brow. "What else did you expect?"

"Disgust," I admit. "Disappointment. No contact. Just…that you would hate me."

"Never." She whispers, shaking her head. "I'd never think any of those things…"

"I know that." I nod slowly. "Just…today isn't a good day for me."

"You wanna talk about it?" Eliza asks.

"No, you've done enough for me…I'll manage."

"I don't want you to manage." She laces our fingers together. "I want you to tell me how you're feeling…"

"I don't deserve that from you after how I behaved earlier."

"I expected it." She admits. "I knew things would change eventually and that time has come."

"Change?"

"Your mood. The difference in it each day…"

"H-How?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "I guess I just knew."

"I'm sorry for how I spoke to you earlier."

"It's okay." She gives me a small smile. "Please, come out from our bedroom?"

"If you don't mind having me around…"

"It's all I want." My wife's voice breaks again. "You should eat, too."

"I'm not feeling hungry right now." I take my coffee from the dresser and head out of our bedroom.

"At least a bottle of water?" She suggests. "You need to look after your body, Arizona."

"My body is ruined," I say, barely above a whisper.

"Your body is beautiful." My wife turns back to face me. "Just like the rest of you…" Remaining silent as we head down the stairs together, an aroma hits me square in the nose and my stomach suddenly growls.

"W-What's cooking?"

"Just a little Italian." She shrugs. "It will keep, though."

"N-No…" I follow my wife into the kitchen. "I think I'm ready to eat."

"But you just said you weren't hungry…" She furrows her brow.

"And my stomach had other ideas once it got a hint of what it could have." I give Eliza a small smile. "Smells delicious."

"I hoped you would be feeling like it…it's why I made it." She rounds the counter, our interaction still a little strained from earlier today. That is totally my fault and I hold my hands up to it. "If you wanna grab a seat, I'll get some plated up for you."

"I can do it."

"I've got it." She glances up at me, tears in her eyes. "Take a seat."

"Eliza, I am sorry." I brush a tear from my jawline. "What I said earlier…I didn't mean it."

"What did you say?"

"That there was nothing here for me…" Maybe I didn't say exactly that, but I know that was the impression I gave with my words. "You mean the world to me and I never meant it."

"It's okay." She winces. "Don't worry yourself about it."

"W-What's wrong?" She steadies herself against the kitchen counter and my heart sinks into my chest. "Eliza?"

"N-Nothing." She breathes deeply through her nose. "Just…I've been getting a few pains."

"P-Pains?"

"Just the baby moving." She tries to reassure me. "I'm okay."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" I ask, worry evident in my voice.

"No, I think she is just getting herself ready to move out…" She gives me a smile. "I had them with the twins, I'm okay."

"Promise?" My lip trembles. "If my being here is too stressful, I can leave."

"This isn't because of you." She reaches out and settles her hand over my own. "Our baby is almost ready to come and give her mommy the best cuddles in the world, is all."

"Y-You mean me?"

"Of course, I mean you…" Eliza gives me a look of confusion.

"D-Do you still want me with you for the birth?" I ask.

"You better be there." She gives me a knowing look. "I need you just as much as I did with the others, Arizona. We both need you."

"O-Okay…" I nod. "What if I'm no good to you? I mean, I don't know what you need from me…"

"I just need you by my side." She lifts my hand and presses a kiss to my skin. "Nothing more…"

"I'll try, okay?" I study her face. "I'll try to be better by then."

"You're doing good, Arizona…" She straightens herself out. "Now, food?"

"Yeah…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Nine

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

My heart is breaking for my wife. I knew this would happen, though. I knew, and I was prepared for it. At least, I thought I would be. I thought I would be able to handle being spoken to how she did. I thought I'd be able to handle whatever came our way but I'm struggling. I'm struggling because I feel like I don't know her right now. I feel like at any moment, she is going to walk out of the door and I'll never see her again. Honestly, I don't even know what I'd do if that happened. I can't bear to think about it. I suppose it's perfectly possible but would I run after her? If she felt like she needed to leave, would I stop her? I'm not sure I could. She was right when she told Sanchez that she didn't understand yesterday. I'm not sure anyone could ever begin to understand what Arizona is going through. Me included. It's just hard seeing her like this. It's hard listening to her cry when she showers. How she groans when she sits down. It's hard seeing her so closed off and unsure about herself. _I feel like I'm going to lose her._

Thankfully, she shared our bed last night…but it was different. It was different from the two nights previous when she allowed me to be close to her. When she kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me. Last night, she simply lay there and stared at the ceiling all night. Last night, I didn't feel the love between us. I just felt the anger. The humiliation. The embarrassment. I felt the seething deep within her and I didn't dare speak. If I did, she would've left. If I did, she would have said something she would've come to regret. Just like she had earlier in the day. I know she didn't mean it when she told me she had nothing at home keeping her busy, but it still hurt. In that moment, as our baby was kicking…it hurt.

Do I think this will change soon? No. I've never seen that kind of anger in my wife's eyes before and honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to help her through the anger when she has every right to feel that way. I mean, what do you say to someone who feels that way? What could anyone possibly say to Arizona to make her feel less angry? She was abused. She was beaten. She was raped repeatedly. How the hell does anyone even begin to work through that in their head? My opinion...they don't. They don't ever truly come out of a nightmare like that. Because that's what it is. It's a nightmare. One that replays every time you close your eyes. Every time you sit alone. Every time you blink. It's a nightmare and it's one that will be forever burned into my wife's mind.

Slipping my jacket over my shoulders, I grab my purse and head into the kitchen. Arizona is watching TV right now but I'm not entirely sure she is taking any of it in. Her chest is rising and falling, but inside…she's empty. Inside, she's slowly becoming less of herself. "I'm headed to the store…"

"Kay."

"Did you need anything?" I ask. "Some of those donuts you like, maybe?"

"No thanks."

"Okay, maybe a nice bottle of wine?" _I don't know why I'm suggesting alcohol but I've got nothing else to give her right now._

"I don't drink when you're pregnant."

"But you could enjoy a glass." I shrug as I round the couch and stand in front of the TV. "What do you think?"

"No thanks."

"Did you want to come with me?" I raise an eyebrow. "Some fresh air might do you good…"

"And have people stare at me?" She laughs. "I'd rather not if it's all the same."

"People won't stare."

"Are you fucking stupid?" She glares at me. "The world knows what happened, Eliza. The world knows your wife was beaten and raped. Maybe if you take your head out of your ass…you would know that, too."

"Right, yeah." I clear my throat, tears threatening to fall. "See you later."

"Don't rush back." My wife sighs. "I'm not going to cut my wrists while you're gone."

"Why would you even say something like that?" My voice breaks as I turn to face her before I reach our front door.

"Because you're hovering." She gives me a knowing look. "You're hovering and right now…I'd rather you just left and got on with what you have to do."

"Then I will do that." I drop my gaze. "You know, I get that you are hurt and angry right now. I get that you have been through a horrific time…but I'm here for you. Even though you want nothing to do with me, I'm here for you anyway." Pulling my purse up onto my shoulder, I head out of the front door and climb into my car. We still have guys watching the house and following me around and yeah, it settles me a little. Knowing that my wife is safe at home…it settles me more than anything else could right now.

The gates opening, I pull out of our drive and the guy currently on watch gives me a nod of the head. Hitting speed dial on my hands-free before I pull onto the main street, I wait for my call to connect and grip my wheel tight.

"Eliza, is everything okay?" Barbara's voice filters through the speakers of my car.

"No, Barbara. Nothing is okay…"

* * *

I've been at Barbara's home for thirty minutes or so, and when I arrived here…I had a meltdown. She knows how hard I'm working to make things as easy as possible for my wife but I feel like the ultimate failure right now. How can I come here and break down when her daughter is going through the worst amount of pain imaginable? How can I sit here and cry to her when Arizona needs me? I'm pathetic but I've always been that way. I've always thought about everyone else before myself. Maybe she doesn't need me anymore. Maybe she doesn't want me anymore. Maybe…I should just disappear. It's probably what's best for my wife right now but I don't want to ask her. I don't want to have this discussion with her for fear of her agreeing. I can't do this alone. I can't give birth and look after my kids alone. Arizona has always been the stronger one out of us and that is changing before my eyes. It's changing and I'm not sure I'll ever get her back.

"Here…have this." Barbara drops down beside me and hands me a lemon tea. "You have to calm down, honey. This isn't good for the baby."

"Nothing is good for our baby right now…" I scoff. "Everything is falling apart, Barbara. Everything."

"Things will get better…"

"They won't." I shake my head. "She's completely shut down on me. She won't even look at me anymore."

"Do you want me to come and stay for a while?"

"No, the kids need you." I give her a small smile. "I mean, I want them home with us, but it's not a good time right now. Xavi and Soraya would ask questions. Questions I'm not sure we can answer."

"Do you think maybe Arizona would want to see them?"

"I know she does," I say with certainty. "You should see her face when she talks to them. It's the only time she really smiles."

"So, what should we do?"

"She won't allow them to come home." I shake my head. "She won't see them until the bruising has gone…and I understand that. I understand that she wants to protect them."

"Have you thought about maybe covering it with makeup?"

"N-No." I furrow my brow. "You think it would work?"

"I don't know but I guess we could try." Barbara shrugs. "Amazing what difference a little makeup can do."

"I'd have to ask her…"

"You know, I had thought about just showing up with them," Barbara admits. "Making up some excuse as to why she looks how she does."

"Oh, I'm not sure Arizona would like that."

"I know." She nods. "I just thought of it as ripping off the band-aid, you know."

"Yeah." I give my mother in law a soft smile. "I should head back." I sigh. "I've been gone longer than planned anyway."

"Call me, okay?"

"I will…and thank you." Pulling my mother in law into a hug, she holds me close and I know I'm okay. I know that one day…things will get better. They have to. "Don't tell the kids I was here."

"Whatever you want, okay?"

"I just…I feel bad enough that they're away from us. If they come home from school and know I've been here, they'll be upset."

"I understand." Heading for the door, Barbara gives me a reassuring smile and I make my way outside and down the drive. "If you need anything, you know where I am."

"Have you heard from Daniel and Tim?" I turn back.

"They're safe." She nods. "That is all I know."

"Okay." I breathe out. "You'll update me if you hear from them again?"

"Of course, honey."

"Bye, Barbara." Climbing into my car, I pull out of the drive and find another patrol car watching Barbara's home. I understand that Arizona feels like they're doing nothing but they can only work with what they have. Right now, that isn't a lot.

* * *

Furrowing my brow as the gates to our home open, I find another car on the drive and its one that I don't recognize. Yes, it's one that is just as expensive as our fleet but I've no idea who it is. Who it could be. Whoever it is, they're inside our home. I'd like to say I'm not worried, but I am. I am because Arizona will not see anyone and right now…she could be scared. She could be frightened. She could be terrified inside our home and once again, I'm not there to protect her. Pushing the door open, I can hear voices and thankfully, it doesn't sound like my wife's life is in any danger. "Hello? I'm home…" Moving through our home, I head for the kitchen and almost drop the grocery bags in my arms. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Hi, Eliza." My sort of sister, Alexis, gives me a small smile. "Dad gave me your address."

"Why?" I spit. "Why are you here?"

"I just figured I'd come visit. See if you guys needed anything."

"Bullshit!"

"Eliza, that isn't necessary." My wife stands from her seat at the dining table, her coffee cup resting on the hardwood.

"No?" I raise an eyebrow. "I'll just leave then, huh?" Dropping the grocery bags down on the counter a little harder than necessary, I head for the yard and pull the sliding doors open. We haven't seen Alexis in at least three years. Over time, she kind of became something in our lives but we had no choice. If I wanted to see my dad, I had to grin and bear it. Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners became a common thing between us and Alexis was always there. We don't really talk, and that is why I'm shocked that she is here.

"Eliza…" Alexis follows me into the yard. "I'm sorry, I should've called."

"No, you shouldn't have done anything." I give her a knowing look. "You're not a part of our lives. We don't need you here."

"I just wanted to make sure Arizona was okay…"

"Like you fucking care." I scoff. "You ruined her life a long time ago and you aren't about to come in here and play the hero."

"That wasn't my intention." She shoves her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. I know she's been working on her attitude and her behavior but what's done is done as far as I'm concerned. I don't care how sorry she is for what she did to my wife…I don't like her and I certainly don't trust her.

"You can leave now…"

"Right, yeah." She nods slowly. "Just…don't fall out with dad over this."

"Go away." I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Please, for the love of god...leave!" Brushing past her, I head back inside and find Arizona sitting back at the dining table. "She's leaving!"

"Why?" My wife furrows her brow.

"Because I don't want her here…"

"So, what I want doesn't matter?" Arizona laughs, her eyes focused on the table. "Just like it didn't matter when I was on that fucking table…"

"Don't dare compare me to him." My voice breaks. "Don't dare."

"She's here to help me."

"Great." My heart sinks into my stomach. "I already feel like I'm losing you and now you have your ex in our home and you're spending time with her instead of me."

"It isn't like that." She says, barely above a whisper. "You know me better than that."

"Right now, I feel like I don't know you _at all_ ," I admit. "Why are you here?" I switch my gaze to Alexis. "Honestly…"

"Dad said you had called." She sighs. "That you were worried about the anger Arizona has inside."

"So?"

"So, I figured I'd offer my time to help her release some of that anger." She shrugs. "Boxing."

"Boxing?" I deadpan.

"It's just a suggestion." She holds up her hands. "It may not work for her, but it may be good for her, too."

"I am sitting here." Arizona cuts in.

"Look, I'm going to leave and give you guys some time to talk about this." Alexis shrugs her jacket on. "I came here because I didn't think Arizona would want to head out to a session. I have everything to get her going and I just wanted to help. Maybe it's an apology for the past, I don't know."

"Thanks, Alexis." Arizona stands and gives her ex a thankful smile. "Would you leave me your number and I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Sure, of course." The gorgeous brunette smiles. "I'm available whenever you need me." _When she needs her? Alexis really should take a step back._ Watching as she moves towards the front door, she turns back and gives me a sad smile. "I know you hate me, Eliza. You have every right to. Just…this isn't about me or us. This is about Arizona and her recovery."

"The fuck do you know about what she needs and her recovery?" I give her an incredulous look. "Don't bother coming back…"

"Just...I wanted to help, is all." The door closing, I head into the kitchen and find my wife watching me. That anger is still present in her eyes and I cannot bear it for much longer. I cannot sit here and watch her hate me and everything else in this world.

"That was being a real asshole." She studies my face.

"Do you forget what she did to us? To you?"

"It was a million years ago." Arizona stands. "And I'm done with it all."

"So, just like that?" I furrow my brow. "Suddenly you forgive her and want her around?"

"Maybe I do, Eliza." She sighs. "Maybe I do."

"Where are you going?" I breathe out as Arizona heads for the staircase.

"To my usual hideaway." She doesn't even bother looking back at me. _She hates me. I know she does._ "Enjoy the rest of your day."

"The kids." I clear my throat. "I think you need to see the kids…"

"Yeah?" She turns back. "And I think you're deluded if you really think they should be here right now…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**

 **Hoping for another today/tonight if you guys want one…**


	10. Chapter 10

*****TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE*****

 **Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Ten

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

 _Three days later…_

Okay, I get it. I get that my wife is mad at me and we've barely held a conversation since Alexis was here…but I'm not doing this to piss her off. I'm not doing it to get a reaction from her. I'm doing it because it's worth a try. It could come to nothing and not work out for me but if it does? If taking up a little boxing is beneficial to me…I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing whatever I can right now because this anger is becoming all-consuming. It's becoming too much for me to handle. Eliza is the one I'm aiming it at and it doesn't feel good to me. She's heavily pregnant and a few days ago, I told her to take her head out of her ass. Who says that? Who speaks to their wife like that? Honestly, I don't even know why she's still here. I don't know why she hasn't packed up and left. I've taken the guest room the past two nights and it's only putting more space between us. Space I don't want between us, but it's there nonetheless. I mean, I know I need space at times, but Eliza thinks it's about her. She thinks I hate her and she voiced that last night before she slammed the bedroom door shut on me. I'm worried about her. About us. I'm worried, but I don't know how to change any of this. I don't know how to push that anger to the back of my mind and just love my wife. It's killing me inside but every time I open my mouth, something nasty comes out. Even simple things like my wife offering me coffee or something to eat. Some smart ass comment rolls off my tongue and just like every other time, I watch her shoulders slump as she walks away. She's suggested therapy again, but I don't want it. Not yet. I haven't even come to terms with what happened to me yet so I don't want to lie on a couch and have someone ask me 'how it makes me feel' at the end of every comment I make. Honestly, I'd end up punching them out. I swear I would.

Hearing the sound of Alexis' car roaring up our drive, I approach the door and release a deep breath. It's been so long since I shared any kind of space with this woman, but she's offering to help me and I think I need to take her up on that offer. Regardless of how my wife feels, Alexis was right. This isn't about her and Eliza. It's about me. If she believes her technique could work, then I should give it a go, right? Sure, this could all end up turning to shit and making things worse but right now, I feel like I have nothing to lose. I'm on the edge of god knows what so no, I don't have anything to lose. Pulling the door open, I put on my best fake smile and clear my throat. "Hi."

"Hey, Arizona." Alexis heads towards me and gives me a sad smile. "I'm glad you called."

"Me too…I think." Stepping aside and allowing her access to our home, she doesn't have any of her kit with her because today is just talking. I don't know why she wants to talk but she does and it's kinda nice having someone here who isn't directly involved in my life. I know she's changed. I can see it in her eyes. I know she's changed and I feel good about her being here. I feel hopeful. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Just some water would be good." She smiles as I close the door. "So, Eliza came round eventually?"

"Oh, no." I shake my head. "Quite the opposite actually."

"I'm sorry." She sighs. "I'm not here to cause any trouble, Arizona."

"I hope not." I give my ex a knowing look. "I honestly don't have it in me to fight anymore."

"So long as you are willing to fight this…that is fine by me." She pulls herself up on a stool in the kitchen. "I know it's hard…"

"Sure." I roll my eyes. "I wish people would stop telling me that they know how I feel."

"I do." She gives me a sad smile. "I know exactly what you're going through."

"Wait, what?" I furrow my brow. "Y-You mean…you?"

"Six years ago." She rests her palms flat on the kitchen counter. "A guy from the office."

"I'm sorry." I drop my gaze. "I had no idea."

"Why would you?" She shrugs. "Not many people know."

"I wish people didn't know about me…" I sigh. "It would be easier to live that way."

"Yeah, I can't imagine how hard it must be to go outside and have people staring."

"I-I haven't been outside yet." I glance up at her. "Eliza suggested it a few days ago but I said some not nice things to her and she left without me."

"You can't let this come between you both, Arizona." Alexis gives me a knowing look. "You have to realize that Eliza is here for you."

"I know she is." I nod slowly. "This is all just me," I admit. "The anger…god, it's killing me. I just don't know how to stop it."

"Sometimes you can't." She smiles. "Sometimes you just have to accept it and try to move forward."

"How, though?" I take a seat beside her. "How am I supposed to just move on from this?"

"Because it will eat away at you inside if you don't." Her hand settling over my own, I give her a small smile. "I mean, look what you have here? You have a wife and a really beautiful family, Arizona."

"Yeah, I do." My smile widens at the thought of my kids. "I miss them so much."

"You don't want them here?"

"Have you seen the mess I'm in?" I raise an eyebrow. "I mean, the black eyes are disappearing pretty quickly but I need to look how I used to before they see me, Alexis."

"I get that." She agrees. "And I'm sure you will know when you're ready…"

"I haven't been completely honest with Eliza…" I breathe out. "I mean, she knows everything but I haven't told her quite how bad it was…"

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know." I drop my gaze. "If she knew…if she knew I was talking this out with you and not her, she would freak out. I just…I'm tired of hurting her."

"So, she doesn't need to know." Alexis squeezes my hand. "Until you're ready to be completely honest with her, she doesn't need to know."

"You think?"

"This is about you, Arizona. Not Eliza or your mom or anyone else in your life. This is about you and what you've been through. You may think that they are mad at you for lashing out but they're not. They care and they wouldn't be here if they didn't love you and want you to heal."

"Where the hell did the old you go?"

"Oh, she's long gone." Alexis smiles. "I know I messed up in the past and I know that Eliza can never forgive me but I'm not that person anymore. I'm not here to fight with anyone or cause a rift between you guys. I've actually wanted to have some kind of relationship with Eliza over the last couple of years but…" She pauses. "...I'm a coward." She sighs. "I'm a coward and I can't take the rejection. Not right now, anyway."

"I'm sorry you went through this too."

"Me too." She nods. "But you've got this…just like I have."

"How did you manage to come out of the other side?" I ask. "I mean, does it ever get better?"

"It does," Alexis replies. "It gets better but some days I remember things. Things I don't want to remember."

"Like what?"

"The pain." She breathes out. "I remember the pain like it is happening all over again."

"Y-Yeah." I drop my gaze. "It's what I'm struggling with the most right now."

"It hurts no matter what you do, right?"

"Right." My eyes focus on the counter.

"Cool baths." She states. "I know we all want to just relax in a steaming hot bath but for now…cool baths. Or shower. Don't try to push through the pain because you think you have to, Arizona. If it hurts…avoid it."

"I guess I'm just trying to be myself." I shrug. I don't know why I'm finding it so easy to talk to Alexis right now but I am. If this is how things are going to work…if this is how I get back to me and my marriage, then I'm taking it. Eliza will hate me, but I don't know what else to do. She already hates me so I guess things can't be any worse right now.

"And does it work?" Alexis raises her eyebrow. "The whole being yourself thing…does it work?"

"No."

"Exactly." She smiles. "Don't put yourself in situations that will bring it back to you. I'm not saying don't ever think about what happened again, but at least minimize the hurt for yourself. Minimize how it makes you feel…"

"Thanks."

"If I find myself thinking too hard, I take a walk." I appreciate Alexis being here more than I thought I would right now. "I know you don't want to and I know it's the last thing on your mind, but it helps."

"I do want to," I admit. "Just a little hard when the Russian Mafia wants you dead."

"The what?" Her eyes widen. "They did this to you?"

"Yeah."

"Fucking hell, Arizona." She breathes out. "That's why you have people on your gate. Why a patrol car is outside."

"It is." I nod. "Eliza has someone with her at all times. They're at my mom's place too with the kids."

"Shit."

"I thought about paying someone." I study her face, trying to gauge her reaction. "Someone who could take care of this for me."

"Tell me." She faces me head on. "Tell me how much they hurt you…"

"I can't even describe it." I close my eyes. "Just…it didn't just happen once, Alexis. It was multiple times. I-It was four times that I can remember…"

"So these fuckers have to pay."

"I want that more than anything." I breathe out. "I want to watch them die slowly while I smile and laugh and think about how my life can be put back together."

"So, we do this." She nods. "I know a guy…"

"You know a guy?" I narrow my eyes. "What does that even mean?"

"It means I know a guy who will take all of this from you and make it better."

"H-How?"

"He works alone." She lowers her voice. "I don't know his actual name and you don't need to know it either. Just…he will fix this for you."

"Can you promise me that?" I ask. "Can you promise that my family won't get hurt in this?"

"I can't promise you anything where the Russian Mafia are concerned, but I can promise you that I will help. If you'll let me?"

"I don't know." I drop my gaze. "I don't want anyone else getting hurt because of me."

"Because of you?" Alexis furrows her brow. "You do realize that none of this is your fault, right?"

"At first I did…" I clear my throat. "But now? How I just lay there and took it? No, this is all totally my fault. I should've been stronger. I should've fought him." My voice breaks. "How can Eliza ever look at me that way again?"

"You did what you had to do to stay alive, Arizona." She stands and pulls me into a hug. "You don't _ever_ think that this is your fault."

"I'm falling apart, Alexis." Tears rolling down my face, she remains silent and allows me the moment or two I need to get past this. "I'm falling apart and I'm going to lose everything."

"That's not going to happen." She tries to reassure me. "You know it won't."

"I feel like it is." I pull back and wipe the tears from my jawline. "I feel like I'm going to come out of this with nothing and no one."

"Does Eliza know how you feel?"

"Eliza and I aren't on speaking terms right now…" I shake my head, disappointment evident in my voice.

"You have to speak to her, Arizona." She places her hands on my shoulders. "I know it hurts and I know you don't want her to know how weak you feel, but that's why she is here. She is your wife and I know exactly how much she loves you…"

"I'm scared this is all going to be too much for her…"

"It won't be." She gives me a knowing look. "She needs _you_ just as much as you need her." Pulling me into her arms again, I feel like a tiny weight has been lifted. I feel like I could possibly be okay. I mean, Alexis survived…so why can't I?

"This looks cozy." My wife's voice piercing through the silence of our home, the front door slams shut and it startles me out of the hug I'm sharing with my ex. _Yeah, this doesn't look good at all._ "Excuse me." Eliza pushes past Alexis and throws down her keys and purse. "I'll just get out of your way…"

"Eliza, wait…" I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Eliza!"

"Eliza, I was just leaving." Alexis cuts in. "Sorry…"

"No, stay." She throws up her hands. "Stay and be whatever my _wife_ needs. Maybe you could raise our unborn child with her." She spits.

"I'll go." She gives me a sad smile. "You still have pain in your body in general?"

"A little." I sigh. "My ribs and my back. My jaw doesn't feel so bad lately."

"Your jaw?"

"Where he repeatedly punched me when he was you know…" My eyes focus on the floor. "I mean, I'm pretty sure it happened before he touched me like that, but the blows to it didn't help."

"Fuck, Arizona." She slumps her shoulders. "I'm making the call when I get home, okay?"

"Okay, just gives me a heads up for the cost."

"No, I'm handling this." She holds up her hand. "And I'm not fighting about it either. Call it an apology."

"You don't have to do that." I disagree. "I appreciate it, but it's not necessary."

"And neither was the shit I put you both through…" She breathes out. "Besides, the less involved you are in this…the better."

"Thanks, Alexis." Giving her a small smile, she simply nods and heads for the door.

"So, call me when you feel ready enough for some work on the pads, okay? Maybe another week?"

"Sure, yeah." I run my fingers through my hair. "Thanks for coming by."

"Talk to her, Arizona." The door closing, I glance over my shoulder at the staircase and my heart sinks into my stomach. I don't know what the hell is about to happen between my wife and me, but I don't have a good feeling about it. If she walks, it's all my fault. If Eliza leaves…I have no one but myself to blame.

I know I need to be open with her at all times, but it's not as simple as that. It's not as simple as just opening my mouth and allowing the words to fall out freely. Yes, I trust her and I know she is there for me…but if this becomes too much for her, I'm not sure I can return the favor. I'm not sure I can be what she needs if this is going to affect her like I think it is. Still, it doesn't give me the right to treat her how I have. Speak to her how I have. It doesn't give me the right to push her away, even if that's the last thing I want. If this is going to end how I want it to, we have to stick together. If this is going to work out in my favor…I have to let my wife in completely. Wholeheartedly. Without worry or fear. If I'm ever going to be me again, I have to talk to Eliza and I have to do it soon.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**

 **I'm almost finished with the next chapter. I'm hoping to get it out tonight. This fic is emotionally draining to say the least.**


	11. Chapter 11

*****TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT/VIOLENCE*****

 **Can't Let Go - PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Eleven

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

I can't stay here with her. I can't stay here when Alexis is around. Arizona is vulnerable right now and she sees that. She sees all of this and honestly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she had something to do with Arizona's attack. I know it's not likely and I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but she's a bitch. She is nasty and deceitful and I'm not here for it. I'm not giving her a single inch. Why? Because I'm not stupid. She will help Arizona and before I know it, my wife will be falling into Alexis' arms because _she_ fixed her when _I_ couldn't. I know exactly how this is going to go. I know I'm losing my wife. I know none of this can be fixed. What am I supposed to do, though? How am I supposed to wait for our marriage to be good again now that Alexis is around? I cant. I simply can't do it. If I thought I was strong enough, I would, but I've never been strong. I've never been overly confident in my abilities as someone else's partner. Girlfriend. Wife. It's just not who I am and the longer I hang around and watch this crumble around me, the less likely I am to survive it.

I could see how she was looking at her. I could see how different Arizona felt in her presence. That is a huge warning sign for me. It's a warning sign that my marriage is all but over and whether the Russians did this or not, Alexis is the one who Arizona feels more comfortable with. I don't know why or how, but that's just how it is. I'm already struggling to feel any love between us. I'm already finding it hard to listen to the venom in my wife's voice when she speaks to me. My marriage is about to end…and I'm sitting alone in the guest bedroom, seven months pregnant. I can feel the weight of all of this slowly crushing me. I can feel that undeniable hatred oozing from my wife's being. Her broken and abused being. I want to be here for Arizona more than anything and anyone in this world, but she cannot even bring herself to lie next to me anymore. She cannot do that, but she is perfectly fine with Alexis holding her. That should be me. I should be the one taking away her pain. I should be the one who she is comfortable with. Am I not good enough? Am I not who she can trust with all of this? I thought I was and she has told me more than once that I'm that person for her…but am I? Is she just simply too scared to tell me how she really feels? That they've ruined everything between us and we cannot ever be who we once were? Is she scared to be lonely? I don't know, and the more I sit here and think about it, the more the tears fall. The more my chest tightens. The more I feel like I've just lost everything when I walked through the front door to my home some ten minutes ago.

The plan was to come home today and talk to Arizona. Discuss the possibility of figuring something out so she could see our kids. That doesn't even feel like an option anymore for us. Like, does she still want them even though she doesn't want me? Does she still want to be their mom? This little one inside of me…will she grow up never knowing Arizona? It's breaking my heart with every second that passes but I cannot bring myself to open that door and ask her. I cannot bring myself to take up five minutes of her time to ask if she still loves her kids. The kids who worship the ground she walks on. The kids who run straight to her when she returns home for the day. The kids who call me every day asking when mommy will be home.

Taking my cell from beside me on the bed, I bring up my best friends contact details and hit the call button. I know Jo isn't going to like this, and I know she is run off her feet at the office, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment and I've never experienced anxiety like I'm feeling it right now. "Hey, Lize. How is everything?"

"C-Can I come and stay with you?" My voice breaks. "Just until I figure out something else."

"What? Why?" She asks, shock evident in her voice. "Y-You need to be there with Arizona, no?"

"She has someone else…" I brush the tears from my jawline. "She will be better off without me here. I just cause more problems and it's no surprise that she hates me."

"That's a load of crap." My best friend scoffs. "What do you mean she has someone else?"

"I-I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would freak out." I sigh, the sound of movement evident outside the bedroom door. "Alexis was here…" I lower my voice. "A few days ago…"

"You are joking, right?" My best friend spits. "What the hell does she want?"

"To help Arizona, apparently."

"Eliza, you cannot do this." She replies. "You cannot leave home…"

"What's the point?" I cry. "She was here again today and when I came home, she was fucking hugging my wife. What does that even mean?"

"It means I'm going to hand her fucking ass to her…that's what it means."

"No, just leave it." I disagree. "If Arizona feels better around her, I'm clearly doing something wrong."

"You're not serious?"

"I am, actually." I breathe out. "Just a little while, please? I don't want to stay at a hotel in case my waters break."

"I'm coming over." I hear some scuffling in the background of our call. "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be there. I'm leaving right now."

"Jo, I'm okay."

"No, you're not." She counters. "Neither of you are…"

"Arizona will freak out if you show up here…she doesn't want anyone to see her." _Except for Alexis._ "Give me an hour or so and I'll meet you at your place."

"If you're sure about this?" She asks. "You have to be sure, Lize."

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, Jo. My wife doesn't want me and that is all there is to it."

"I'll be waiting for you, okay?"

"Thanks…" Ending the call, my tears slip freely down my face once again. Standing, I slowly make my way to the door of the guest bedroom and pull it open. Our home is completely silent right now and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. I'm not sure if anything my life has become is good. I know Arizona is hurting and I know she doesn't know which way is up right now…but this is too much. Her ex being here…the venom in her voice…none of this is good and I don't know how to push through it anymore. I've tried to be supportive and I've tried to be what she needs, but after today, it is more than evident that I'm not the one Arizona wants in her life right now. I want her to be better and I want her to find some kind of happiness when this is all over…but I can't give that to her. In any other aspect of her life, yes…but this? No. She doesn't want me, and that is okay. She knows what is best for her and that, right now, is not me. Her wife. The mother of her children. I don't know where we go from here and I don't know if she will ever come back to me, but I'll wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. If my being here is causing her more pain than she is already experiencing, then I should leave. I should leave and do whatever she needs of me. Just…from afar.

* * *

Taking the stairs slowly, I pull a bag behind me and it bumps down each step as I do. I can see my wife sitting silently on the couch but she hasn't once made the effort to come and speak to me. She hasn't even asked how I'm feeling today. I know she has a world of stuff going on inside her head, but I'm still pregnant. I'm still ready to give birth any day now. I don't generally go any earlier than my due date, but with everything that is going on around here, I'm prepared for that possibility. I'm prepared should my waters break right now. I don't feel like I'm ready to go, but that doesn't mean our little girl doesn't have different ideas. Heading for the door, I drop my bag down beside it and move back inside our home, towards the kitchen. Taking my purse and whatever else I think I'm going to need, I watch the back of Arizona as I pass her by before fixing my eyes on the door I'm about to step out of.

"Please don't leave me…" Her voice barely audible, I glance back to find my wife with unshed tears in her eyes.

"If you need anything, call me." I give her a sad smile. "You may not love me anymore but I'll always love you, Arizona, and I'll always be here for you."

"I do love you." She cries. "Please don't leave…"

"If anything happens…if my waters break, I'll call you okay?" I clear my throat. "If you want to be there with me, I'd like that. If not…I understand."

"Eliza, please don't." She stands. "If I have to get on my knees and beg you, I will."

"No, you won't." I shake my head. "You are too good for that."

"What do I have to do to make you stay?" She asks, her voice breaking again. "What do I have to do to show you that I love you and that I need you here."

"I don't think there is anything you can do." I take her hand in my own. "I know you're trying and I know you just want things to be good again, but you cant work through it with me."

"I-I can."

"You can't." I squeeze her hand. "If you could, you wouldn't have your ex in our home. If you could, you wouldn't be talking to her about this but giving me the cold shoulder. I'm not mad and I'm not offended, I just wish it could've been different." Pressing a kiss to the back of her hand, I release it from my grip and back away. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be what you needed, Arizona. If there was any way you could see that I'm here and always have been…we would be okay. You just…you can't and I have to accept that." My hand settling on the handle, Arizona opens her mouth to speak but no words come out. Nothing. "You don't have to explain yourself…I just need you to focus on _you_."

"W-When I close my eyes…" She says, her voice barely audible. "I see him. I see him and I see what he did to me. N-Not the two times I told you about, but the four times that I remember." Wiping a tear from her jawline, my heart is breaking all over again. I didn't know she had kept that from me. I thought I knew all there was to know. I knew it happened more than once, but four times? She said four times that she can remember...and she knows he drugged her twice. _Oh god, I'm not sure I can listen to this_. "W-When I eat, the pain in my jaw reminds me of the times he was punching me in the side of the face." _Oh god._ "I try to block it out, but it doesn't work. Nothing works. When I first lie down beside you, I feel okay…but then I can feel his body crushing my own. I can feel his breath on my skin. His coarse hands on my body."

"A-Arizona…" My own body shudders at her words.

"Taking a shower is okay sometimes…" She stares at the floor, her eyes void of anything. "But then I scrub my body until its raw and almost bleeding. It hurts, but I know that when I do that…he isn't on me. When I do that…I feel clean enough to be with you. To sit in the same room as you. Just…it hurts too much sometimes."

"Oh god…" Her admission almost causing my knees to give out, I place my palm flat against the nearest wall.

"I-I can't wear my usual perfume anymore because it reminds me of when he was on top of me. Grunting and sweating. His heavy breathing mixing with it." She glances up at me, embarrassment and humiliation in her once gorgeous blue eyes. "I-I didn't tell you about these things because I wanted to protect you from it. The truth of what I'm facing…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I don't know how to deal with those things, so I turn to anger." She admits. "I turn to anger and it still doesn't feel any better. I just lash out at you instead…" _I hate this pain she is going through. I hate it and I'm really trying to keep my own anger at bay._

"S-She was holding you, Arizona…" I stutter. "That should be me…I _need_ it to be me."

"And I'll be forever sorry for that." She nods slowly, her eyes never losing my own. "It isn't what you think and I want you to be the one who works through this with me. I just…I feel like it's going to be too much for you."

"Nothing about you could ever be too much for me." I bring her hand up between us and press a kiss to her skin. "For better or worse, right?"

"Yeah but this is so much worse…" She shakes her head. "Worse than anything I'd _ever_ expect anyone to take on."

"But I love you." I give her a sad smile, my heart absolutely breaking. "I love you so much that it physically hurts to see you like this."

"Please don't leave me…" She cries. "I need you, Eliza."

"I'm not sure you do." I have to be honest with her. She has been honest with me and now it's my turn. "You feel safe and comfortable around Alexis for a reason…"

"She gets it…" She sighs. "She gets what I'm going through and that is why she is here to help."

"What do you mean, she gets it?"

"It happened to her…six years ago." My wife admits. "It's not my story to tell but I wouldn't keep it from you." _I'm not sure I believe Alexis. I know that would be low, but she is that kind of woman._

"Can you honestly say you trust her?" I step closer to Arizona and take her free hand. "Can you truly say that she isn't here to mess with your life again?"

"Yes." She nods. "Yes, I can."

"Okay…" I breathe out. "I'll be watching her, Arizona…but if you believe that she can help you through this, I'll let it lie for now."

"I need you above all else, Eliza." Her head drops to my shoulder and sobs wrack her body. "I need you and I know that this could be good for me."

"Then I trust your judgment…your decision." I give her a slight nod, gently placing my hand on her back. "I need you to do something for me, though?"

"Anything…I'll do anything for you." She whimpers, burying her face in the crook of my neck.

"I want you to see the kids," I say, not leaving much room to argue. "We will fix you up and they won't know any different."

"I'm desperate to see them." She pulls back and I can see it in her eyes. "I miss them so much."

"Then we will figure something out, okay?"

"Thank you…" She steps back a little. "I didn't ever want this to come between us, Eliza."

"Me neither." I brush a tear from her jawline.

"C-Can I?" She hesitates as her hand hovers around my bump. "W-Would you mind?"

"Of course, you can." I settle my hand over her own. "She belongs to you, too."

"I know…and I'm sorry I've been so distant." I can see that she is upset about not being more involved but I know she has a lot on. "I don't want you to think that I don't want this anymore with you. I do, Eliza."

"Okay…" I give her a small smile. "One day at a time, yeah?"

"Yeah…" My wife breathes out.

"I'm angry too, Arizona." I clench my jaw. "I'm so angry about everything you've been through and you are continuing to go through…"

"I know." She laces our fingers together and pulls me away from the door. "Can you sit with me a while?"

"If that is what you want, yes." I give her a slight nod. "I just…I wasn't leaving because I didn't want to do this with you. I hope you know that. I just want whatever you think is best for you. You know that, right?"

"I do…I think." She takes a seat on the couch and I drop down beside her. "If I've hurt you, I'm sorry."

"I just wasn't sure I was the one you wanted by your side anymore." I sigh. "T-The way you've acted lately, I just thought we were ending…"

"No." She gives me the first genuine smile I've seen from her in a long time. "You and I are forever and that is how it will always be. When I'm not angry and it's just us…alone, everything feels real. Everything feels like it should."

"M-Maybe the boxing thing could be good for you." I clear my throat, mad at myself for agreeing to this Alexis thing. "Just…be careful, please?"

"I will." She squeezes my hand. "I need you by my side, okay?"

"God, I hope so," I whisper. "I'm really trying, Arizona. I promise you."

"I know you are…" She agrees. "You've tried harder than anyone in this world and I love you for that. I love you for everything that you are."

"You're still the same person, Arizona." She shifts a little closer to me. "That woman I fell in love with so many years ago…you're still that person."

"One day…" She closes her eyes and rests back against the couch. "One day…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Twelve

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

I feel different. I feel completely different to how I did at the beginning of this week and honestly, I feel like I'm coping a little better. I guess knowing that someone close by has been through the same thing as I have makes it a little easier to swallow. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. I know Eliza still isn't happy about the fact that I've taken Alexis up on her offer but she isn't as mad about it as she was two days ago. Two days ago when I spoke to her and told her how I was feeling. Two days ago when she was about to walk out of our home. I'm not mad at her for that. I mean, I hadn't done anything to show her or tell her that I wanted her here with me so I completely understand where she was coming from. I completely understand that she felt alone and not wanted. It wasn't my intention to make her feel that way, but I'm trying. I'm trying harder than ever and this day so far has been better than the last five or so have. I haven't called Alexis yet and I don't plan to until my pain has pretty much gone, but my wife and I haven't spoken about it. We haven't discussed anything we talked about before she walked in and assumed the worst. I get that, though. I can see why she thought Alexis was here for other reasons.

She's hardly the most trustworthy person we know but I feel like something has changed with her. Actually, I feel like a lot has changed with her. Her behavior and her mannerisms are totally different from _anything_ I've ever seen before. Both when we were together and when she was busy trying to ruin my life, my relationship, and my career. I just don't get that impression from her right now. I don't get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when she is around. I know Eliza is wary, and she has every right to be…but I need her to support me through this. There may be days when I push myself too hard and I drain myself of any energy I have. There may be days when I'm feeling good and I want to take a walk with my wife. I need her here for both of those times. For all of the possibilities I could be about to face. I know it's hard, but I need her. I really do.

Being honest with her two days ago was painful. Not for me, but for her. I know it was. I could see it in her eyes when she was listening. How she looked at me. How she held my hand. I could see how hurt she was because I hadn't been totally honest with her, but also _for_ me. For what I was facing and how I was feeling. I meant what I said when I told her I wanted to protect her. I meant it, and I'd choose it again over everything else. If it keeps her own pain at bay, I'd do anything to take all of the knowledge she has away. I know that isn't the right thing to do and I know my wife wants to be in the thick of it with me, but I don't want anyone else to hurt because of my ordeal. My attack. I don't want anyone else to have to suffer just because I am. Nothing matters more to me than my wife's happiness and I fear I've ruined what little happiness she did have left.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I ask as I lean forward against the kitchen counter. "You'd tell me if you weren't, right?"

"I'm okay." She gives me a slight nod, a small smile curling on her mouth as she does. "Just…don't know what to do with myself."

"What did you want to do?" I raise an eyebrow. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Not really." She shrugs. "Did you?"

"No, just trying to psych myself up for seeing the kids later." I release a deep breath. "You think it will go okay?"

"It's just the kids." My wife places her hand over my own. "You know them. You know who they are."

"I know, I just feel like I haven't seen them in forever and I don't know who they are…"

"Oh, trust me." Eliza laughs. "You will remember exactly who they are when they walk through that door."

"Yeah?" My smile widens. "You think?"

"Mmhmm…" She sips her water and studies my face. "Xavi will be a pain in your ass before you know it."

"T-That look…" I furrow my brow. "That look you've just given me…"

"What look?" My wife swallows hard. "I didn't give you a look."

"No, just…the way you looked at me." I can feel a blush creeping up my neck and now I just feel ridiculous. "Never mind." I clear my throat. "Sorry…"

"Hey, talk to me…" It isn't even a big deal. Just that look she gave me made me feel good. It was a look she would've given me before all of this happened. It wasn't a sympathetic look. It wasn't her feeling sorry for me. It certainly wasn't a 'my poor wife is a victim' look. Whatever it was, it felt good.

"You looked at me like you used to." I drop my gaze, my grip on my coffee cup tightening. "No big deal." I shrug.

"Then I will do that more often." She gives me one of her full smiles and my heart pounds in my chest. I can see how much my honesty means to Eliza right now, and I think it's something I have to work on.

"Eliza…" I study her face. "What do you see when you look at me?"

"Me?" She asks. "I see the woman I fell in love with from across the bar in downtown New York. I see the woman who made me feel incredibly loved from the moment she kissed me." Her soft smile sending a shiver down my spine, I cannot take my eyes off my wife. "I see the woman who I've shared the most incredible eleven years with…and I see the woman I'm going to grow old with." _Her honesty is the one thing keeping me going today. Her honesty, and that look in her eyes._ The look only I ever see. The look that has always been reserved for me. It's love. The look…it's undeniable love.

"Yeah?"

"I do…but I've always seen that." She rounds the counter and laces our fingers together. "I still see you as the same person you were, Arizona. Just a little broken right now."

"I love you." My voice breaks. "I love you and I'm so sorry for all of this."

"Hey…we've got this." She hesitates to hug me. "Can I?"

"God, I wish you would." I breathe out as her hand finds my hip. "I could really use a hug from you right now." My wife's arms wrapping around my waist, it feels as good as it always has. I don't know how a simple hug can make me feel so safe, but it does. It does and I don't care about the reasons for it. "Thank you…" I sigh. "I knew I married you for a reason."

"Yeah?" She pulls back. "And that reason?"

"Just…you're amazing." I smile. "Amazing and everything I've ever needed…"

* * *

Okay, my nerves are really getting the better of me right now. My kids are due at home any moment now and honestly, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Eliza has fixed me up pretty well and when I glanced in the mirror, everything felt different. I didn't look like the victim of an assault. I didn't look like I'd been beaten repeatedly. I didn't look like I've barely slept in a week. I looked like me. Sure, I know what is beneath the makeup, but in that moment…I felt good. Better, at least. I felt like maybe one day the scars will disappear. Not the physical ones, but the emotional ones. As far as I'm aware…I don't actually have any scars. Just the one close to my hairline which is easily covered. It's simply bruising and it doesn't define who I am. None of this does. That's what I keep trying to tell myself anyway.

"You okay?" Eliza heads down the stairs and towards me.

"Yeah, just…what should I do? What should I say?"

"Whatever you want to do or say." She furrows her brow. "I'm not worried about this, Arizona. I think it could be good for you."

"Yeah, you're right." I sigh.

"If everything becomes too much…you tell me, okay?" My wife raises her eyebrow. "If you need a moment to yourself, just give me a nod."

"Yeah, okay." I agree. "I'm sure I'm just worrying about nothing."

"And I'm sure you've got this." She squeezes my hand, the sound of my mom's car approaching. "I promise."

"Oh god." I run my fingers through my hair. "You're sure you can't see any of the bruising?"

"None." She shakes her head. "Just remember that you're still sore around your ribs so if they start climbing like they usually do, be careful…"

"Yeah, I've taken my meds so I'll probably just be a little sore tonight."

"And I will look after you." My wife says with complete certainty. "Oh…" She turns back to face me. "I forgot to tell you just how good you look today."

"Thanks, but it's just the makeup hiding everything…"

"No." She shakes her head. "You've looked good all day."

"Thank you." The sound of a key slipping in the lock of the door, I hold my breath and my kids come rushing through the door!

"MOMMY!" _Shit, they've grown._ "Mommmmmyyyyy…" Soraya comes barrelling towards me and if I wasn't already sitting down, she'd have knocked me off of my feet. "Mommy, I missed you."

"I missed you, too." Her arms wrapping around my neck, she squeezes me tight and tears fill my eyes. "You look so big."

"You look like a beautiful princess." Soraya pulls back and kisses me on the cheek. "Are you a princess, mommy?" She furrows her brow, genuinely intrigued.

"How can I be the princess…" I roll my eyes, my mood completely changing now that they're here. "…when _you_ are the princess?" Poking my daughter in the stomach, she giggles and relaxes in my lap. _Yeah, nothing has changed here. It's like none of us ever left our normal lives for a single moment._ "Silly girl." Glancing over at my son, I narrow my eyes and he gives me one of his gorgeous smiles. A smile that often mirrors my wife's. "Come here, buddy." Opening my arms to him, he slowly approaches me and nuzzles into the side of my body. "You hiding your hugs from me, kiddo?"

"No." He sighs. "I thought you had gone."

"Huh?"

"I thought they had taken you from me." He mumbles, his hand tightening in the back of my tee and his face resting against my shoulder.

"Who?"

"The bad men." He admits. "Becky said that someone had stolen you from us."

"Do I look stolen?" I put on my best fake smile. "Do I?"

"No." He shakes his head, his little smile widening. "Becky is a liar."

"Maybe she is just very good at storytelling…" I try to reassure my son and prevent him from calling other kids liars. Yeah, she is a liar.

"Yeah…" He sighs. "I missed you, mom."

"I missed you too, big man." My arm tightening around his body, it feels so good to have my eldest two in my arms. "Hey, mom." I give her a full smile. "You good?"

"Better now that I'm watching this play out in front of me." She throws me a wink. "Everything good here?"

"You know…it is, yeah." I nod slowly, my body relaxed for the first time in over a week. "The twins not with you?"

"I figured I'd just bring these two by for now." She clears her throat. "I think they need some time with you."

"Thanks, mom." Simply sitting quietly with my kids, it gives me a moment to think about what Xavi said just a few minutes ago. Are people talking about me at his school? Do I need to call up and advise them against doing so? Surely they should be preventing this kind of thing from happening, no? It's not like he's a teenager who knows what's going on. He's freaking ten. "You guys want milkshakes?" I ask, pressing a kiss below Soraya's ear. "Huh?"

"Yay!" She jumps from her spot in my lap but Xavi is still holding onto me. "You wanna hang out here with your brother while I fix them up for you guys?"

"Mmhmm." She nods. "You make the best shakes, mommy." _God, this feels so good._ I'm trying desperately hard to keep my emotions in check, but it's hard. It's hard because they are totally oblivious to everything that's happening around them.

"Uh, I know." I deadpan, throwing her a wink as I climb to my feet. "You okay, Xavi?" I lower my tone and focus my attention on him.

"Yeah." He nods slowly.

"You wanna hang out back with me for a little while?" I ask. "Just me and you?"

"Can I?" His little eyes brighten. "When we got our shakes?"

"You got it." I nod, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "You think you can look after your sister for me while I get those shakes for you?"

"I'm the man of the house." He nods.

"That you are." Moving out of our open plan living room and towards the kitchen, I find my wife and my mom talking and I'd like to know exactly what about. "What's going on?"

"You want me to call the school?" Eliza asks. "I'm tired of those Benson kids, Arizona. You know Soraya came home last week and told me Molly said she was a bitch?"

"When did this happen?" I ask, shocked.

"The day you didn't come home." She clears her throat. "I'm not putting up with it anymore."

"Hey, don't work yourself up." I take her hand in my own. "The kids want shakes."

"They're done." She smiles. "You look so good with them, Arizona." She squeezes my hand. "They've missed you so much."

"I know." I drop my gaze. "I need them, Eliza."

"You've got them." She hands over two shakes. "Go and be with them…"

"Could I grab Xavi alone for a few minutes?" I ask, worry evident in my voice. "Just wanted to check in with him."

"Whatever you need…" My wife nods. "I'll take Soraya off your hands for a little while."

"Um, the second I hand her this shake…she won't care if we're here or not." Laughing when I'm reminded of just how much my daughter zones out, I roll my eyes playfully and head for the living room. "Shakes for my two special people?"

"Who is more special, mommy?" _Typical Soraya._

"You are both super special to me." I give my daughter a knowing look. "Chocolate for you…" I hand it over. "And I think this super thick strawberry one belongs to you, big man."

"Thanks, mom." Motioning for him to follow me, he sucks on his straw and shuffles behind me. I don't generally allow my kids to eat or drink crap, but I've missed them and I'm trying to make this as enjoyable as possible for them. I have a suspicion my son knows more than he is letting on, and I need to know that he is okay. I don't want him to leave here tonight wondering when he will see me next. I don't want him to leave here period.

"So…" I drop down on the top step of our decking. "How's school?"

"Okay…" He shrugs. "I scored two goals."

"Yeah?" I smile. "That's awesome."

"I wanted you to come watch but mom said you were busy with work." He sighs. "Were you busy with work?"

"Of course, I was."

"Was Becky lying?" He glances up at me, his straw between his lips. "Did men take you?"

"No, buddy." I shake my head, trying to keep my voice calm. "I had to work and you know how busy I get. You remember I told you all about it?"

"Yeah." He nods. "Did you lose your car?"

"Huh?"

"Your work car?" He says, expecting me to know exactly what he's talking about. "Becky said her mom told her that it was broken. By a tree."

"Oh, right." I nod. _Becky's mom really should keep her fucking mouth shut._ "I broke down." I shrug. "But I had it fixed."

"Where is it?" He furrows his brow.

"Oh, Aunt Jo borrowed it." I wipe my palms down my jeans. "Her car broke, too."

"We have lots of people at Grandma's house." He suddenly changes the direction of our conversation.

"Lots of people?" I give him a look of confusion.

"And they have wires on their arms." He whispers. "Like…action men. It's cool."

"Really?" I try to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Yeah…and Grandma shouted at Uncle Tim on the phone." He laughs. "Said he had to come home and stop playing heroes."

"She did, huh?" I narrow my eyes. "Uncle Tim is with Grandpa, no?"

"Mmhmm…" He slurps his shake. "Is Uncle Tim playing the video games I'm not allowed to?"

"Yeah, I think he is." I clear my throat. "So, you're okay?" I ask. "Everything at school is okay?"

"Yeah." He drops his gaze.

"Xavi?" My voice soft, I need my son to be honest with me right now. I really do. "You know you can tell me if things aren't okay?"

"Some of the boys said I only have one mom now…" My son may only be ten, but he has a strong head on his shoulders. He picks up on things I don't really want him to at this age, and I know he knows something isn't right. He isn't stupid and I should really give him more credit.

"But you know that is not true, don't you?" I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "You know you have two moms who love you so much."

"I know." He perks up.

"You remember that pizza I promised you?"

"Yeah?" His eyes brighten.

"Well, how about we order in and watch a movie? Just the four of us…"

"Grandma said we have to stay with her again tonight." He sighs. "So we can't."

"Maybe we should just eat some pizza together and Grandma can come by later and collect you. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like the best idea ever!" He climbs from his spot on the decking. "Come on, mom…" He takes my hand and tugs. "I wanna pick the toppings."

"Tonight…you can have all the toppings in the world, kiddo." Regardless of how I'm feeling inside, this last hour or so has been the best of my life since my attack happened. Maybe the kids take my mind off things, I don't know. Maybe they always should've been here. All I know right now is that for the first time in what feels like forever, my life feels normal. My pain is at a minimum. My wife is safe inside with our unborn child and my two eldest have put one hell of a smile on my face. Yes, I need to figure out what is going on with my son, but for the time being, we're okay. That isn't something I imagined myself saying anytime soon, but it's true. In this moment, I feel okay. Better, at least.

Tonight I'm spending time with my kids. Time that is way overdue and time that never should've been spent apart. Tonight, that is my plan…but tomorrow? Tomorrow I want to know what the hell is going on with my brother. Right after I say what I have to say to that god damn school. I should probably update my wife on the fact that I'm looking at hiring a hitman too, but I can't do that right now. I want and I need a fight free night. I know they are hard to come by lately, but having my kids here has totally changed things for me. At least…today.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

My wife is seething. She's mad. Furious. Hearing Xavi recalling what's happened at school has left her feeling like everyone is talking about her and our family and she's not happy. _Neither am I._ I mean, who allows their kids to know about this stuff? Who tells their kid that Arizona was taken? Poor parenting is what that is. Like, they're ten. They're not adults or teenagers. They're ten and they shouldn't know about this stuff. I know people aren't happy unless they're talking about other people's lives but this is a step too far for me and Arizona. This is definitely crossing the line. We've both spent the past week or so trying to protect our kids from the knowledge that their mom was taken by some fucked up people, but now it's all gone to shit. It's gone to shit because those kids have told Xavi that their mom is basically not coming home. Dead, maybe.

She was doing so well with the kids being here. She was the happiest I've seen her. I knew once she had them in her arms things would feel different for her. I knew once she saw our kids, everything would totally change with her mood and her body language. She was just so relaxed. Way more relaxed than she had been when it's just us here at home. I'm not offended by that, not at all. I'm just so happy that she could feel some kind of relief. I'm just happy that for a few hours, her issues disappeared. Sure, I know they are still there at the back of her mind, but being with our kids overpowered everything else that is going on in my wife's life right now. It just felt right. I know she felt it, too. I could see how her eyes lit up at the sight of them. How her demeanor totally changed as we all snuggled down and shared dinner together. I know she didn't want them to leave last night, but she also didn't want them here for fear of their safety, and for fear of her snapping. I know she never would, but she's woken this morning madder than ever and now I get it. I get why she didn't back down when I suggested the kids stay with us. I get why she refused point black when I tried to explain that they were okay here.

I've been watching her from the kitchen for the past fifteen minutes or so, and yeah…her jaw is clenched and her eyes haven't once left the coffee table I'm pretty sure she's trying to burn a hole through. I want to see if she's okay, but I'm not sure what reaction I will receive from her. Last night felt so good and I don't want that to end if I'm being honest. It's the only time when things have felt even slightly okay. Okay in her life and okay between us.

"You're staring…" Her voice low, I close my eyes and think about how best to approach this. I don't want to tell her to relax because she has every right to be pissed off. "Eliza?"

"Y-Yeah?" I clear my throat as I close the distance between us and head for my wife, a coffee prepared for her in my hand.

"Why are you staring?"

"Oh, I didn't realize I was…sorry." I drop down beside her. "You know, your face is looking really good this morning."

"It is?" She glances my way, her brow furrowed. "You're not just saying that?"

"I wouldn't tell you something that wasn't true…" I give her a sad smile. "Just, it seems different."

"That's good, right?" She settles her hand over my own.

"It is." I nod. "Did you want to talk about what happened last night?"

"About the kids?" She smiles. "It felt so good, Eliza."

"Maybe they can come home soon?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." My wife breathes out. "Just…scared, you know."

"About what?"

"Everything, I guess." She shrugs. "My mood. Them asking questions. Someone figuring out that we're all back together."

"We have people on our home at all times, Arizona." I try to reassure her. "If you want them home…then we will bring them home."

"I just…there is something you need to know." Arizona sits forward and runs her fingers through her hair. "And I know you won't like this, but you should know. Y-You need to know."

"Okay, what's going on?" I furrow my brow. "Something is going on…"

"Well, I could ask you the same thing." My wife gives me a knowing look. _Okay, what does that even mean?_ "But before I do, I just…Alexis offered her help in another way as well as the boxing…"

"I don't like where this is going." I place my head in my hands.

"She knows a guy." Arizona clears her throat. "A guy who does, you know?"

"No, I don't know." My gaze shoots up. "So, you'll have to break it down for me."

"A hit man." She stares at nothing in front of her. "A guy who can take care of all of this for us…"

"A hit man…" My stomach flips at the prospect of my wife even getting involved in something like this. "You've hired a hit man!"

"No, not yet." She shakes her head. "Well, I don't think…"

"What do you mean you don't think?" I'm trying so hard to remain calm right now but it's hard. It's hard because this isn't Arizona at all. This behavior…it isn't right.

"Alexis said she was making the call…"

"Well, this is just great," I say, barely above a whisper as I stand. "I just…I don't even know what to say to any of this."

"What else are we supposed to do?" Arizona scoffs. "Wait until they blow this fucking house up? Wait until one of us is alone and we go through all of this again? Or worse?"

"The police are handling it."

"Like shit they are." My wife laughs. "They're doing nothing and you know it."

"We don't know that." I shake my head. "We have to trust them…"

"You really think they are going to go after the Russian Mafia?" She raises her eyebrow. "You really think if that bastard was still alive, they wouldn't just prosecute him and call this a random attack?"

"I don't know…" Nothing is making sense right now, I know that much. "But this is all wrong. I know you're hurting and I know those bastards deserve to pay, but you'll get yourself into trouble, Arizona. So much trouble."

"Alexis is paying." She clears her throat. "Says that the less involved I am, the better."

"How fucking heroic of her." I scoff, shaking my head. "I just…I don't want this for us."

"And you think I wanted this?" She asks as she stands. "You think I wanted to feel this way and go through what I did?"

"That's not what I'm saying." I give my wife a knowing look. "And you know it."

"So, what the hell am I supposed to do?" She throws up her hands. "Just wait? Hope that they've gone? Because they haven't, Eliza. You and I both know that they're just waiting. Waiting for one of us to be alone…"

"Arizo-" A loud knocking on our door, I drop my gaze and head for it. "We will talk about this later over dinner." Opening the door, I find our usual guy standing out front. "Can I hel-"

"Mrs. Robbins...I need you and your wife to go to the bedroom. Do not approach the window and do not try to contact anyone." Gently pushing me back inside our home, the guy who has been on our door since last week has a hard look of concentration on his face and his gun in his hand. "Now, Ma'am." Simply nodding slowly, I head back inside and find Arizona frozen in her spot.

"Come on…" I take her by the hand and pull her through our home. "Arizona, you're okay."

"None of this is okay." That familiar sound of complete fear in her voice, we take the staircase and head straight for the bedroom. When we were briefed last week, we all decided that our bedroom would be the best place to wait out any kind of attack. It's furthest from the street and it would be more difficult for someone to aim at us should they wish to. Yes, I'm beside myself with terror right now but I have to put on a brave face. If I don't, I'll crumble. If I don't, Arizona is going to hit the floor. Reaching the corner by the closet, we climb to our knees and drop down out of view.

"Eliza…"

"It's okay." I take her hand in my own and tighten my grip.

"You're not safe here." Her voice trembles. "I don't want anything happening to you…"

"I'm safe here with you." I press a kiss to the back of her hand. "I'll always be safe with you."

"No, I can't protect you." She cries. "I want to but I'm not sure I can."

"So, we protect each other…." I nod slowly. "And then you make a call to Alexis." I breathe out. "Giving her the okay."

"Yeah?" She glances my way. "You're sure."

"Right now, yes." I agree. "So I need you to do that before I change my mind."

* * *

An hour later, we are still sitting on the floor in our bedroom and Arizona seems a little calmer than before. I know inside she is just as scared as I am, but we've both got each other and we both know that we are okay. She's right, though. The police haven't done anything to give us any hope for this being over soon and honestly, I'm not sure they will. _Yeah, my wife is completely right._ The Russian Mafia is never going away. Not unless we take things into our own hands. I still don't like what is about to happen, but what alternative do we have? How else are we supposed to feel safe? A light knocking on our bedroom door pulling me from my crazy thoughts, the door opens and Sanchez approaches us. "Okay, we've cleared your property."

"What happened?" I furrow my brow.

"Drive by." She clears her throat. "One of our offices has a gunshot wound to the shoulder but he's going to be okay."

"Shit." My wife cuts in.

"We're heightening the security." She backs up a little.

"How close are you to finding them?" My wife asks. "Truthfully…"

"We're not," Sanchez admits. "We're using all the resources we have but it's been near on impossible, Mrs. Robbins."

"Okay." My wife gives the detective a fake smile. "Just, keep doing what you're doing." She climbs to her feet. "I'm sure you've got this."

"We have." The detective gives Arizona a reassuring smile. "I've called the guys at your mom's place. The kids are safe."

"Thank you." I breathe out. "Can we leave now?"

"You can." She disappears out of our bedroom. "I'll be outside if you need anything."

"T-The phones…they're tapped." I whisper. "We cannot call Alexis from here."

"What about the one you bought me when I was at the hospital?" Arizona replies. "Did they take that from you, too?"

"Oh, no."

"So, we can use the one I'm currently using?" She raises her eyebrow.

"I don't see why not…" I drop down onto the edge of our bed. "I swear this is going to kill me one of these days." Dropping my head on my shoulders, my hands settle on my bump and tears fill my eyes. "How the hell did this happen, Arizona? How did things get so messed up that people want us dead?"

"The world is messed up, Eliza." She stands in front of me, her cell in her hands. Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, it's the first time my wife has openly done so since her attack. "But we can end this now…" Taking her cell from her hands, I furrow my brow and she gives me a knowing look. "Make the call."

"Me?" My eyes widen. "Why me?"

"Because I need to know that you are okay with this." She sighs. "If I go ahead and do it…you will turn it all against me someday."

"I wouldn't." I shake my head.

"You're sure?" Arizona raises her eyebrow.

"Okay, fine." I nod slowly. Hitting the contact list and bringing up Alexis' details, I press call and wait for it to connect.

"Hey, Zo."

"Arizona is ready for your help." I clear my throat. "Bring your kit with you…"

"Eliza, is everything okay?" My wife's ex-girlfriend realizes I'm the one on the line.

"When you get here…the guys on the gate may be a little off with you. Tell them you're my sister and that you're here to work with Arizona."

"O-Okay." Ending the call, I drop my wife's cell to the floor and she takes my hand in her own.

"Thank you." She climbs down to her knees, groaning as she does. "Eliza, look at me…"

"I can't believe we're doing this."

"Don't you want us to be okay?" She asks. "Don't you want us to be able to live our lives how we have been? Happy and without fear?"

"Yes, but can that ever truly happen?" I ask, my voice breaking. "I mean, it's not just about them, is it? It's about you and your recovery too."

"Something tells me I'll find it a lot easier to sleep at night knowing they can't hurt us." Arizona gives me a sad smile. "I know this isn't either of us, Eliza. We both wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone, but sometimes we have to do what's best for us. Not everyone else."

"I know." My eyes close and I nod slowly. "I know and I get that."

"So, I need us to be okay about this." She breathes out. "I need us to stick together."

"You know I'd do anything to keep you safe." I squeeze her hand. "I just wish we could've done this differently…"

"Me too." Arizona sighs. "But knowing that they're not around? It's going to make things so much easier."

"This guy…" I stand and help Arizona to her feet. "You're sure about him?"

"I don't know who his he…" My wife admits. "We will know more when Alexis arrives. She just said she knew a guy."

"God, this is messed up." I look up at the ceiling and sigh. "So messed up."

"You saw what just happened…"

"I know. I know." I hold up my hand between us. "I just need some time to let this sink in…"

"You're not going to hate me for this are you?" Arizona has that look of worry in her eyes and it breaks my heart. "I can't lose you, Eliza…I just can't."

"You won't." I give her the smallest of smiles. "I just don't trust Alexis."

"You know, uh…she wanted to call you." My wife clears her throat. "Over the years…"

"Why?"

"To apologize, I guess." She shrugs. "To form some kind of relationship with you…"

"Right." I narrow my eyes. "So, all of this? This isn't just her way of putting herself back into our lives?"

"No, I don't think it is." We both head for the bedroom door. "Just…give her a chance, please?"

"Mm, that's what I'm afraid of doing," I answer honestly. "All of this…it isn't about us. Me and her. It's about getting rid of the guys who did this to you and that's all. I don't want a relationship with her, Arizona. I'd appreciate it if you didn't force that upon me."

"I wouldn't ever do that." She grips my wrist and stops me from heading downstairs. "Just…she's trying okay?"

"I'm not sure any amount of trying in the world would make any difference to how I feel about her…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

I have a feeling my wife thinks I want this to be the outcome. The hitman. The violence. It really isn't like that and right now, I just want this to be over. I _need_ this to be over. The thought of someone shooting a gun outside my home is something I've never imagined in my life but it's happened. It's happening and I don't like it. I don't like feeling unsafe in my own home. I don't like not knowing what is coming next. My wife is ready give birth at any moment and people are trying to kill us. Kill is or intimidate us. Whichever one it is, none of this is good. We live in a good neighbourhood. We live in the ideal area. Imagine what our neighbours must think knowing this is happening on our street? Imagine what they're saying about us? I can't even bring myself to think about it and honestly, my attack is firmly at the back of my mind right now. This is more important. I may feel different about it all but in a weird way, it's nice to not think about what they did to me. It's weirdly nice to not think about him on top of me. Hurting me. Crushing my body...his breath on my skin. I have to push it from my mind and fix what is happening here. I cannot allow my wife to feel unsafe and unfortunately, I feel like this is the only way to go about it. I feel like we don't have any other way to fix this. I could be wrong and I may live to regret this, but in this moment…it has to happen. In this moment…I cannot take this feeling of being helpless any longer. I already feel helpless in my own body and mind and I cannot feel helpless in my own home. Not now…not ever.

Alexis is due here in the next few minutes and I need to know how my wife is feeling. I need to know that everything is going to be okay between us because if this ends our marriage, I'll stop it. If there is even a slight hint of us being unhappy after this, I'll stop it all now. "Talk to me…" I step up beside her at the kitchen counter.

"I don't know what you want me to say…" She breathes out. "I mean, it's one thing to have Alexis here, but to know why…I just don't know what you want me to say."

"That we're going to be okay after this." I sigh. "That you aren't going to go on hating me."

"What if people get hurt, Arizona? What if someone who is just walking down the street becomes involved and they die?"

"I-I…I don't know." I drop my head between my shoulders. "I really don't."

"Maybe we should just discuss it first?"

"Okay." I agree as I take my glass of water in my hand, clearing my throat as I do. "You know, Xavi said something to me last night when we were out back together…"

"I know, you've told me all about it." She settles her hand over my own. "I'm going to call the school."

"N-No, not about that." I shake my head. "Something he said about mom calling Tim."

"Oh, what did he say?"

"That mom called him and told him to stop being a hero." I study my wife's face but she doesn't seem to have a reaction to what I've just said. "Do you have any idea what that means?"

"N-No." My wife clears her throat. "No idea…"

"Eliza?" I narrow my eyes. "I know you know something…"

"I can't say." She breathes out. "It isn't my place to say."

"You're my wife and I'd appreciate it if you could be honest with me."

"I want to…" She nods. "But you should call your mom."

"They've gone after them, haven't they?" My eyes fill with tears. "Dad and Tim, they've gone after the Russians."

"Arizona…" My wife drops her gaze. "I didn't want them to do it. I told them they shouldn't do it…"

"Damn it, Eliza!" The glass of water in my hand being thrown against the nearest wall, I shock myself with my actions. "Shit, I'm sorry." Watching as my wife backs away from me, she turns and moves into the living room, tears in her eyes. "Eliza, I'm sorry…"

"Sure, yeah." She gives me a small smile as she takes a seat on the couch. "I deserved that."

"No, you didn't." I close the distance between us and drop down to the edge of the coffee table. "You didn't deserve that at all and I'm sorry…"

"I asked them not to do it, Arizona." Her voice breaks. "I just…they want you safe, too."

"And going after them is the way to keep me safe?" I'm having more of a discussion with myself right now. Eliza is simply staring at me. Staring…and probably hating me. "I have to call my mom."

"Okay." She nods, tugging her fingers. "Whatever you need to do."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." I breathe out, disappointment evident in my voice. "When did they leave?"

"The night we got the call from the hospital." She admits. "They were planning to leave before we knew you had been found…"

"A week?" My eyes widen. "N-No, more than a week…"

"I think your mom keeps in touch with them…" Eliza gives me a hopeful look. "You call her and I'll get the glass cleaned up."

"No, you won't." I shake my head. "You're staying there and relaxing. You've had enough to deal with today. I'm sorry."

"Hard to relax when someone is trying to kill us." She scoffs, her words barely a mumble. "And I think Alexis just arrived." Our security system alerting us to a visitor, I head for the door and figure I'll deal with the glass later.

Pulling it open, I find Alexis climbing from her car, a full smile on her face. "Hey, Zo."

"Hey, come on in." I motion for her to head inside as I step away from the door. "Thanks for coming…"

"Hey, Eliza." She gives my wife a slight smile. "I didn't expect a call from you…"

"I didn't think I'd be calling, either." My wife eyes me intently. "Things change, though."

"Well, I'm glad you called anyway." She heads for the kitchen. "So, you wanna start up with the boxing?"

"No, not yet." I clear my throat. "The help Eliza was talking about is the _other_ kind of help."

"Oh, you mean…" She narrows her eyes. "The other issue?"

"Yeah." I nod. "Just…we couldn't talk on the phone. They've got them all tapped."

"Of course, they have." Eliza pulls herself up onto a stool. "So, I already called him. You know, mentioned it. Tested the waters."

"And?"

"Half a million." She shrugs. "Told him he could have one, instead."

"But is this guy going to be around to spend it, Alexis?" I give her a knowing look. "Is this too dangerous?"

"No, and when I told him who he was to target…he got a little excited." She admits. "Turns out…Eighteen months ago, his mom and sister were shot dead down by the Hudson. They were estranged for a long time so the Russians didn't know he was around. He isn't sure they even know he exists."

"Okay…"

"So, he's ready to do this for you." Alexis nods. "He's ready and like these things always turn out…the police probably won't even investigate it." She gives me a reassuring smile but I'm not feeling overly reassured right now. Call me crazy, but I still feel bad about this. "He says it will be quick."

"How?"

"Explosive device." Alexis states. "He knows where they meet to do their business. They never meet during the day. He believes there to be around seventeen of them there every night and it's kinda like some sort of club for them."

"Where?" I ask.

"Down by the river." My ex states. "Disused building that over time they have made their own. It's heavily secure but during the day, nobody is around."

"And what about civilians getting caught up in it?"

"Not likely." She shakes her head. "These guys do their business away from the public. He thinks they've been using the building for at least three years."

"Who is this guy?" My wife cuts in.

"I don't have a name for you," Alexis replies. "The less we all know…the better."

"So, you're just going to hand over $1 million to this guy and take his word for it?" She raises an eyebrow. "That's a little stupid, don't you think? I mean, he could be one of them. Hell, _you_ could be one of them." My wife narrows her eyes. "Are you one of them?"

"One of who?" Alexis gives us both a look of confusion.

"One of the people who hurt Arizona. Involved in it, at least?"

"Y-You are joking, right?" She scoffs. "I mean, I know you don't like me and I know you don't trust me…but seriously?"

"I'm asking you a question." Eliza stands and shrugs. "One that I'm perfectly entitled to ask." Brushing past my ex, she moves into the kitchen and pulls a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "You two may be perfectly fine with being the best of friends again, but not me, Alexis."

"Eliza…"

"I will be watching you." Eliza gives Alexis a sarcastic smile. Whilst I love that my wife can hold her own, this really isn't necessary. Alexis is here to help and I wish Eliza would see that. _She made her life hell._ I can totally understand my wife's worry, but times have changed. We've all changed. "We have kids, Alexis. Gorgeous, beautiful kids who cannot be at home because it's not safe…"

"I know." Alexis nods slowly.

"And I'm really not here for your games." She stares her down as she approaches my ex. "So, if that is what you're here for, you can leave. If not…you're welcome here."

"No games from me." Alexis holds up her hands. "I swear to you, Eliza…none."

"Then you should probably stay for dinner while we figure all of this out."

* * *

"H-Hello?"

"Tim, it's me." I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear my brothers voice. "You doing okay?"

"Sure, Zo." He replies. "Just…out with dad."

"Yeah, you can come home now." I smile. "I want you both at my place in the next thirty…"

"Oh, we're out of town."

"Bullshit!" I scoff. "I know whats going on and I want you at my place in thirty. You don't show, I'll come and find you myself."

"I-I, uh…I should run it by dad first."

"Since when do you care about dad and what he wants." I laugh. "You can both stop now. It's being handled."

"What does that even mean?" My brother asks.

"It doesn't matter what it means," I reply. "My place…or I'm calling Sanchez and telling her what's going on."

"You wouldn't!"

"Wanna test me on that, huh?" Ending the call, I set my cell down on the coffee table and glance up at my wife. "I still can't believe you didn't tell me, Eliza."

"Yeah, well you arranged a hitman with your ex and didn't tell me until you knew you had to." _Okay, I deserve that._ "You see where I'm coming from?"

"Y-Yeah." I sigh as I drop back against the couch. "Maybe we should just call all of that quits, huh?"

"If it makes you feel better…whatever." She shrugs. "Everything is just getting way out of hand."

"Hey…" Shifting closer to my wife, I take her hand in my own and give her a soft smile. "We've got this, Eliza…"

"How am I supposed to relax with everything going on around us?" Her voice breaks. "How am I supposed to bring our daughter _safely_ into this fucked up world when this is happening?"

"Everything is going to be okay…"

"You say that, but you can't be sure." She shakes her head. "This could all go wrong and we both end up dead."

"Not gonna happen." I shake my head. "You think I'd ever let anyone hurt you?"

"No." She rests her head on my shoulder. "I know exactly what you've been through for me…"

"That isn't what I meant." My hand settles on her back, my palm gently ghosting up and down. "Why don't you take a lie down?"

"I'm okay here…" She breathes out. "I'm not sure I could settle anyway." Alexis left our home almost thirty minutes ago and since then, Eliza has been on edge. I'm feeling the fear too, but I don't have time to sit and think about it. Just like I don't have time to sit and think about my attack. I need to keep my mind clear. I need to think about what is happening right here and now…not the past. I know once this all settles, things will creep back into my mind, but for now…I'm okay. I have to be. Weakness isn't an option for me right now. Weakness isn't going to keep either of us safe.

"You know…I just want us to be safe and happy." I press a kiss to the top of my wife's head. "I'm not trying to play the asshole by doing this. You know that, right?"

"I know." She nods slowly. "Maybe when this is all over…we should just leave New York." Laughing, I suspect she's half joking but it's not the worst idea in the world.

"Yeah, that could work." I agree. "Anywhere in particular?"

"Arizona, I was joking." She lifts her head and studies my face.

"I wasn't."

"You wanna leave New York?" Eliza furrows her brow. "You would do that?"

"In this moment…yes." I shrug. "A fresh start could be something that I need. What we all need."

"What about the office?" She asks. "You wouldn't be able to work from there."

"I'm done with the place, Eliza." I give her a sad smile. "I'm selling up."

"W-What?" Her eyes widen. "You cant sell up…that's your baby."

"Maybe so…" I agree. "But the thought of ever stepping foot in the city again is the most terrifying thought I've ever had."

"It will get better…" She settles her hand on my thigh. "Don't do anything without thinking it through first, okay?"

"I wouldn't." I shake my head. "But right now, I know exactly what I want."

"And what is that?" My wife tilts her head a little.

"You and I…in a Californian home. Our kids happy. Just…life ticking by without worrying about anything ever again."

"Wow, you've clearly been thinking about this."

"Maybe." I shrug. "I'm thinking of giving it all to Jo." I try to gauge my wife's reaction. "I'll consult, but it would be her business."

"Jeez, Arizona…slow down."

"Maybe I could build us our home in California? Los Angeles, maybe?" I may be getting carried away with my own thoughts, but I don't care right now. It's taking my mind off everything else and yeah…I'd move tomorrow given half the chance.

"Arizona…"

"Just…think about it." I squeeze her hand. "That's all I ask."

"Okay." Eliza smiles. "Shit, this day has been a lot to take in." Shaking her head, we both settle back against the couch and it feels good to have her in my arms. I've hated feeling too scared to be touched. I've hated unintentionally pushing my wife away. I know we have a long long way to go, but this feels good. It feels right. For the first time since I was ran off the road and attacked, I feel like maybe my life will get better. I don't know what the next few days or weeks will entail, but I have to focus on what I have here. The most amazing wife. The only woman I will ever move heaven and earth for. Anything I am and anything that I have…it is all because of Eliza.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

Yesterday really took it out of me. All of that information I had to cram in. The things I had to listen to. Arizona may be feeling better knowing that someone is taking care of the guys who hurt her, but it's got me more on edge than I was before. If I'm not worrying about them, I'm worrying about Alexis. If I'm not worrying about Alexis, I'm worrying about the stress this is putting on our unborn baby. The only thing I'm not stressing about right now is Daniel and Tim. Why? Because they're sitting in our living room, Arizona scolding them. I can understand why she was mad at me, but it wasn't my place to say. I had enough going on trying to look after myself and my wife, and I really didn't have it in me to follow her around New York looking for them. Sure, I didn't like what they were doing, but who am I to tell them to stop? They are grown men. They can handle themselves. They make their own decisions and they have to live with that. _I still believe Arizona is mad at me._

Deciding to give them some time alone, I quietly slip out of the kitchen and head for the staircase. I'll take a lie down while they continue to sit in silence because honestly, I can't bear the silence much longer. It's driving me freaking crazy. They don't want to back down, and Arizona doesn't want to acknowledge that they were only trying to help. _This is going to continue all night._ I know it is. I can feel it in the air.

Reaching our bedroom, I glance at the clock and it's a little after eight in the evening. I'd happily call it a day and head for sleep but I have too much on my mind. I have the world on my mind, and I know I cannot switch off yet. I'd try, but I'd fail. I can feel that tension headache I sometimes get approaching, and I don't like it. A quiet dark room would be ideal, but I have to be available should my wife need me. Yes, she's doing better. A lot better, actually, but that doesn't mean it's going to last. It doesn't mean that this is all over and we can return to our old life. We both know that life will never be the same again, but we can hope, right? We can hope that some things will eventually return to normal.

Dropping down onto our super king-size bed, I release a deep breath and close my eyes. _Just five minutes to myself._ It's all I need. Then I can rally. Then I can go back down to my wife with my best smile, regardless of whether it is a true one or not. I know it's not, but if it settles Arizona, I can pretend. I'd do anything for her…including lessening her stress levels.

My hands settling on my stomach, I glance down and a genuine smile curls on my mouth. Just a couple of weeks ago, our pregnancy was enjoyable. It was easy and it was relaxed. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was strained or worrying. Our life? It was perfect. Everything we've been experiencing for the best part of ten years. _What I'd give to have that for just a couple of minutes._

A light knocking on the bedroom door causing me to look up, I find Arizona watching me, a smile on her mouth. "Hey."

"Hi." I sit up on my elbows. "You okay?"

"Guess so." My wife shrugs. "Can I join you?"

"I'd like that." I pat the bed beside me and smooth my hand over the comforter. "Come on…"

"Thanks." She clears her throat. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad." I furrow my brow. "I thought you were mad at me."

"What kind of person would I be if I was mad at my heavily pregnant wife?" She raises her eyebrow as she climbs onto the bed. "You know, my pain level is much better today."

"Yeah?" My smile widens a little. "All of your pain, or?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Arizona agrees. "I feel calmer now that dad and Tim are home, too."

"Good." I nod slowly as my wife lies down beside me. "I never wanted to keep it from you…"

"I know." Our fingers lace together and my own body relaxes. "And I'm sorry for getting mad at you. You know, the glass thing…"

"Don't worry about it." I squeeze her hand. "It's just a glass."

"But I let my anger get the better of me." Arizona sighs. "And I frightened you."

"You just startled me, is all." I glance my wife's way and give her a sad smile. "No harm done."

"I love you, Eliza."

"I love you, too." Lifting our hands, I press a kiss to Arizona's knuckles. "And I'm still super proud of you."

"I don't know why." She laughs. "I've been a fucking nightmare."

"You've been living a nightmare, Arizona."

"But you kept me sane." She turns on her side and studies my face. "When I wanted to run and never look back…you kept me here."

"Y-You wanted to run?"

"Once or twice." She focuses on our hands, her thumb grazing my skin. "Sorry…"

"I don't even know what to say to that." I breathe out. "I mean, I know we've not been great, but I didn't think you would run."

"No?"

"No, that's a lie." I shake my head. "I've been waiting for the day when you pack your bags…"

"I'd be a complete asshole to ever leave you, Eliza."

"But you thought about it…"

"I just figured you'd be better off without me." My wife's eyes fill with tears but they don't fall. She won't allow them to. "I realize now, though…I realize that you're my absolute world. And more."

"We've got a good thing here." I ghost my thumb across the palm of her hand. "We just have to find our good place, is all."

"I know." Arizona agrees. "I know that now more than ever before." My eyes focusing on her lips, I quickly close them and push the image of kissing my wife from my mind. "What's up?" Her thumb trails my bottom lip and it sends a shiver down my spine. "Huh?"

"N-Nothing." I stutter.

"Hey, look at me," Arizona asks, her voice soft. My eyes opening, those ocean blue pools stare back at me. "Talk to me…"

"I just…I forgot about everything for a moment."

"Forgot about everything?" She furrows her brow.

"What you've been through. How you're feeling." I admit. "I thought about kissing you, is all."

"So, kiss me." She shifts a little closer to me. "If that's what you wanna do."

"I always want to kiss you." I sigh. "And I know our relationship isn't like that anymore…I just miss you." Maybe I've said too much, but Arizona has been appreciating my honesty. "Never mind." I smile, feigning the sadness I can feel inside of me.

"Kiss me, Eliza."

"N-No." I shake my head. "You're only saying that because it's what I want."

"I want it, too." Arizona's lips inching closer to mine, I can feel her breath tickling my face. "Please?" Her bottom lip ghosting over my own, Arizona's hand settles on my lip and my breath catches.

"Oh g-" Soft lips pressing hard against my own, I'm beginning to wonder just how long Arizona has been wanting to kiss me for. I mean, this isn't a spare of the moment thing. I can feel it. How she touches me. How she kisses me. She's been wanting this for longer than the last minute or so.

"Feels so good when I'm alone with you…" She whispers against my mouth. "Nothing else matters." Every emotion pouring from my wife, I'm soaking it up and taking it in. As much as I love how she makes me feel, I have to try and contain the wetness pooling between my legs. My body is already overly sensitive and that kiss didn't help me in any way. I wish I could just reach out and touch her. Feel her against me. Naked. I wish I could but I know I can't. "Your heart is beating fast…" She pulls back ever so slightly, the palm of her hand settling against my chest.

"Because you're so close to me," I whisper, my eyes closing.

"D-Did you want me to move? To leave?"

"NO!" I rush out. "I mean, please…stay."

"Okay." Those gorgeous lips finding my own again, Arizona's hand slips a little and it's now resting on my ass. "Is this okay?"

"Only if it's okay for you." I study her face. "I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with, Arizona. Just lying here with you is good enough for me."

"But I wanted…" She drops her gaze and removes her hand from my ass. "...yeah, this is okay."

"What is it?"

"I miss you too." Her voice breaks. "And I really want to kiss you, a lot."

"I know." I give my wife a sad smile. "But I really need you to stop."

"Okay, sorry." She pulls away from me. "I just forget what he did to me sometimes." She sits up and brushes a tear from her jawline. "I have to remember that you didn't forget, though."

"What? No." I stop her from leaving our bed. "No, I didn't mean that."

"You said you wanted me to stop." She gives me a look of confusion. "I'd never touch you if you didn't want that, Eliza. I just…I'll grab us something to drink."

"No, Arizona…" I grip her wrist. "You know I want nothing more than for you to touch me."

"So why do you want me to stop? I don't understand…"

"I didn't ask you to stop because I don't want you." I pull her back down on the bed. "I stopped you because that kiss alone made me want more…and you're not at that place yet."

"You felt something from that kiss?" She asks, surprise evident in her voice. "Really?"

"Really." I smile. "You know what you do to me, Arizona. That will never change. I just…I don't want you to make it something more because you think it's what I want. What I need."

"And if I want to?" Arizona shifts back into the position she was in before. "If it was what I needed…for us?"

"You know how I feel about you…" _That is all I'm giving her._ "You know what you do to me."

"Yeah?" She narrows her eyes and that look alone sends my body into overdrive. That sexy squint she used to have going on. How she looked at me when she knew she was turning me on. She's doing that right now and I cannot take it. I cannot keep my arousal at bay. My wife's hand finding my thigh, my eyes close and I take my bottom lip between my teeth. "I really want to touch you, Eliza…"

"Oh god." My breath catching as Arizona presses her lips to my own, her hand suddenly slips past the waistband of my yoga pants, my soaked sex covered by nothing but my arousal. "A-Arizona."

"Please…" She begs. "Please don't stop this, Eliza."

"T-Touch me…" My mouth falling open as my wife slowly but surely trails two fingers the length of my center, I grip her shoulder and try to hold off on the orgasm I can already feel working it's way to the surface. _Fuck, I need this._ I need it, but I'd never expect it from my wife. I'd never pressure her to give me anything. "U-Uh." She applies the perfect amount of pressure to my clit. "Shit…"

"I feel safe with you." She whispers against my mouth. "Safe and protected." Her pace increasing as her fingertips roll over my desperate, throbbing clit, a low moan rumbles in my throat and Arizona takes my bottom lip between her teeth. "You're my wife, and I want to make you feel good."

I don't know if Arizona is saying what I want to hear or if she is reminding herself of why she's doing this…that it's me she's doing it with, but she seems calm. Her presence, it's just like it once was. "I love you…" My lips crushing into her own, her pace increases again and fresh arousal floods from my center.

"I've wanted this with you for so long." Her words broken, I know she is crying. I know she has tears slipping down that beautiful face of hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you." My body trembling, I can't hold on any longer. I can't breathe just thinking about the high my wife is about to provide me with. "I-I need you, okay?" Her forehead rests against my own when she senses my sudden urge to come.

"I need you too." My eyes focused hard on Arizona's, she gives me one of the softest smiles I've seen from her in a long time and my orgasm courses through my body. It's not needy and it's not heated, but it's what we both need right now. I'd never expect her to allow me to touch her, not right now, but this? This is just as intense as anything we've ever shared. In all the years we've been together, this is the most love I've ever felt from my wife. Her eyes…they never lie to me, and in this moment, they're telling me how incredibly and unbelievably loved I am by her.

"Oh god." Arizona's breathing a little ragged, she slows her pace but doesn't stop. My body overly sensitive, shockwaves course through me and she gives me one of those knowing smiles. A smile of pride, if you will. "T-That…Eliza, you're soaked."

"I'm sorry." I blush.

"Hey, no." She presses her lips gently against my own. "It's good to know that I still please you."

"Always." I cup my wife's face and press a kiss to her nose. "We will never lose this between us, Arizona. I promise."

"I just…I'm not ready yet." She drops her gaze. "I'm sorry."

"Don't." Her hand slips from my pants and she sobs into my chest. "Please don't apologize."

"I just wish we could be us again." She cries.

"We _are_ us." I hold her close. "We will always be us."

"Promise me?" She whimpers.

"I don't need to promise you." I smile as I place a kiss on the top of her head, her scent hitting me square in the chest. "You know what we've got and only you will know when you're ready."

"I swear I'm trying…"

"You've got this," I say with certainty. "And when the time is right…you tell me and I'll make love to you for the rest of my life."

"God, I don't know what I'd do without you." She tightens her grip on my body and her sobs begin again. "I'd be so lost without you."

"We were made for each other…we know that."

"Forever?" She glances up, her eyes red and swollen.

"Forever…"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Can't Let Go: PT 2**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

 _One month later…_

"One more round…come on!" Alexis gives me her harsh voice, pushing me further than I have in weeks. "You've got this, Zo!"

"I know I have." I grit my teeth, my body desperate for a little relief. "Fuck!" Pounding the pads attached to her hands, my strength increases, sweat beading on my forehead.

"Harder, Zo!" My lungs burning, I'm not sure I can keep this up for much longer. I'm not sure I can give Alexis what she needs. What she expects from me. I've improved significantly both mentally and physically but I'm weaker than I'd like to be. I'm weaker, but I'm working hard.

"I need to rest." I stop, bending at the hip and taking a breath. "I need five."

"No, you need to push through!"

"Alexis, just give me a moment, please?" She can hear the pleading in my voice and nods, groaning in disappointment.

"I'm sorry…I can't give you what you want." I drop to the floor, lying flat on my back. "I'm not strong enough yet."

"Hey, I'm just doing what you asked me to." She drops to her knees beside me. "If you need five, that's okay."

"I'm sorry." My chest heaves, the boxing glove on my right hand covering my face. "I'm an asshole."

"Uh, no…you're not." She scoffs. "You know this won't repair itself overnight. You know it takes time."

"Too much fucking time." I spit. "Eliza is ready to give birth any day and I'm fucking useless."

"Zo, you need to relax." She takes a seat beside me and pulls the pads from her hands. "You know Eliza is going to be okay. You both will."

"But how am I supposed to look after her…our baby, the twins and Xavi and Soraya?"

"You've got this."

"I don't feel like I have," I admit, pulling myself up into a seated position and bringing my knees to my chest. "She will need to relax completely and I'm going to fall apart, I know I am."

"I believe in you." Alexis raises her eyebrow. "If that counts for anything…"

"It does, thanks." I settle my hand over her own. "I appreciate your help."

"And I believe in you, too." My wife's voice sounds around us. "If _that_ counts for anything."

"Hey…" I smile as I glance back at her.

"You done here?" Eliza points between us. "Or are you deep in your heart to heart?"

"I have a little more to do." I give her a sad smile. "Another hour, maybe?"

"Sure, whatever." Eliza shrugs, turning and walking away from Alexis and I. Furrowing my brow, Eliza is clearly pissed at me but I don't know why. I don't know what I've done wrong. I'm working hard and trying to be the best I can be for her. What's the problem with that?

"Can you give me a minute?" I climb to my feet and remove the boxing gloves from my hands. "I just need to speak to Eliza."

"Sure, yeah." Alexis smiles. "We can call it a day if you want?"

"No, I can't keep quitting." I shake my head. "I'll be five minutes. You want something to drink?"

"No, I'm good." Alexis stands. "Do what you gotta do…I'll hang out here."

"Thanks." I give my ex an appreciative smile. Heading inside, I slide the door closed and clear my throat. Eliza is sitting at the kitchen island, her baby bump ready to quite literally burst. "What's up?" I ask.

"Nothin'." She doesn't even bother to make eye contact with me.

"Clearly, that's a lie."

"Go and do your thing, Arizona." She sighs. "I'll just sit here like I do every fucking day…alone."

"Hey, that's not fair." I furrow my brow. "I'm trying…"

"You're trying with _everything_ and _everyone_ but me." She glances up at me, unshed tears in her eyes. "But whatever. I'm over it."

"I'm trying _for_ you." My voice breaks. "I'm sorry if you don't see that."

"Honestly…" Eliza turns on her stool, facing me fully. "I don't." She shrugs. "I see you spending every fucking god given hour with _her_ while I'm alone in our home."

"Okay, I'll ask her to leave." I head for the door that leads to our yard.

"Don't bother." She gives me a sarcastic smile. "I'm going out."

"Out where?"

"Just…out." She focuses her eyes back on the magazine resting on the countertop. "You can do what you like but I'm not sitting here waiting for you to just show up in my life."

"Whoa." I hold up my hands. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I feel alone, Arizona," Eliza says. "It means I don't like the fact that you're spending more time with her than you are with me."

"I'm just trying to fix myself." My shoulders slump. "I just…it doesn't matter." Closing my eyes and trying to calm myself down, I head for the yard and pull the door across. "Hey, so…I think we're done here."

"O…kay." Alexis furrows her brow. "Is something wrong?"

"No, not at all." I put on my best fake smile. "I'm just tired."

"Same again tomorrow?" She asks as she grabs her equipment.

"I'll call you, okay?"

"No problem." Squeezing my shoulder as she steps up to me, I can feel my emotions beginning to get the better of me. "Just whenever you're ready, yeah?"

"Sure, yeah." I nod. "Thanks, again." Watching Alexis leave, I drop down into a seat and give myself a moment to collect myself. I understand that Eliza hates Alexis, but she's helped me more than I thought possible. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling stronger in myself, even if when I'm working out I feel weak. I know I'm gaining my strength again but my wife doesn't see that. She sees past the reasons why Alexis is here and makes it something completely unnecessary.

I know she's scared. I am, too. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I do nothing and I feel like shit. I try to better myself and I upset my wife. I want nothing more than to be me again, but in this moment, I feel like it's never going to happen. In this moment, I feel like this recovery is going to go on for the rest of my fucking life. I don't want that. I don't want to worry about how my wife feels. I want us to be happy and content. I want us to just live our lives and return to normal. _It's never going to happen._

Standing, I take my bottle of water from the table and head for my home again. Eliza has probably left, but if she needs time away from me…there is nothing I can do about that. Finding her in the same spot I left her in a few minutes ago, I round the kitchen counter and empty my water in the sink. "May I take a shower?" I turn to face Eliza.

"Don't be a smart ass."

"Oh, I wasn't." I hold up my hands. "Can I, or not?"

"Just…go away." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Please…"

"Go away?" I raise an eyebrow. "And where do you propose I go, huh?"

"Wherever you want." She smiles. "Do whatever the hell you want, Arizona. I don't care."

"No, you don't." I nod slowly. "You've made that clear."

"I'm not fighting with you." She sighs as she removes herself from her stool. "You forget my waters are ready to break any day…"

"I don't forget." I furrow my brow. "And don't dare accuse me of not caring." Heading for the staircase, I turn back to face my wife, disappointed at how she feels about me. "You know, sometimes I wish he'd killed me. Sometimes I wish he'd just blew my fucking brains out."

"I-I…"

"But then I remember what I have here. I remember how much I love you and couldn't bear to ever leave you." A tear slips down my face. "I remember that I have responsibilities and kids and the most beautiful woman in the world…but for some reason, I still fuck everything up. I still manage to piss you off without doing anything wrong."

"Arizona…"

"No, I don't want to hear it." I turn my back. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty wife. You know what to do if you need more, though. You know, and I'm not stopping you." Disappearing up the staircase, my heart is breaking. I don't want this to be our life. I don't want to fight and disagree every hour of the day. So, I'm taking myself out of the situation and I'm locking myself away.

 _I'm sick of this shit…_

* * *

"H-Hello?" My voice hoarse from lack of conversation, I clear it and try again. "Hello?"

"Honey, what's going on?" Mom's voice filters through my cell.

"What are you talking about?"

"Eliza has just left…she was upset."

"Dunno," I say, nonchalantly. "Your daughter is a piece of shit and her wife hates her. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Arizona, what are you talking about?"

"Why are you calling me, mom?" I ask. "If Eliza has been there…why are you calling me and asking my side?"

"That isn't what I'm doing."

"Sure it's not." I laugh. "I gotta go. I have walls to fucking stare at." Ending the call, I feel bad for how I've just spoken to my mom. I feel bad, but that's just who I am now. Angry. Nasty. Full of hatred. If they don't want to hear it, they shouldn't call me. It's as simple as that.

Throwing my cell onto the coffee table, I curl back into the fetal position and continue to stare at the TV with no volume. I want silence but I don't want to go insane so I'm watching a silent show. _God, my life is so fucked up._ My cell pinging, I don't bother to even check it. I don't bother to look at the screen. It will just be someone else in my life talking shit and I'm done with it. I'm done with all of them.

The sound of a key slipping into the lock, I close my eyes and groan internally. I'm not in the mood for another heated discussion. I'm not in the mood to watch my wife staring at me with disgust. I just...I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I sent Alexis a text a few hours ago canceling any future session sessions with her and I'm sticking with that. If Eliza wants to live with a monster, that is her decision. I've tried and I've failed, so I don't know where else I go from here. I really don't.

"Are you awake?" My wife's voice sends a shiver down my spine. "Arizona?"

"What?" I say a little harsher than I intended it to sound.

"Are you awake?"

"No, I'm not." I refuse to move.

"Okay, I deserve that." Eliza sighs. "But…can we talk?"

"No, thanks." I sit up and get my bearings. "I'm going to bed."

"The kids will be here soon…"

"So?" I stand and face her fully. "I'm a fuck up so why do you want your kids anywhere near me?" My heart sinking when I refer to them as Eliza's, I can feel that lump in my throat. That burn. The emotion.

"They're not _my_ kids."

"Tell that to your attitude." Taking the stairs two at a time, I slam the bedroom door shut and head straight for bed. This day is only getting worse and I don't know how to pull myself out of this mood. Sure, I didn't create the mood, but I don't want it to continue. I don't want Eliza to stress herself out. I'm already causing her enough hurt by being here and the thought of our baby being harmed would end me. It really would.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" The bedroom door flies open, hitting the wall.

"With me?" I ask. "What's wrong with me?"

"Yeah." Eliza leans against the frame of the door.

"You really don't see it, do you?"

"See what?" She furrows her brow.

"How shitty you've made me feel today." I sigh.

"Because I called you out on how much Alexis is here?" She raises her eyebrow. "Sounds more like a guilty conscience to me."

"G-Guilty?" I stutter. "Guilty of what?"

"You…you're never around for me."

"Never around? I haven't left this house since I got back from the hospital." My words are barely above a whisper but right now, I can't believe what I'm hearing. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"She's been here every day for the last two weeks, Arizona."

"And you haven't seen a difference in me since then?" I glance up, my eyes searching her face. "You haven't seen an improvement?"

"I have." Eliza nods. "But sometimes I wonder if your improvements are because of the working out or because she is here…"

"Y-You didn't just say that." I drop down on the edge of the bed. "Y-You really think that?"

"I don't know what to think anymore." Eliza pushes off the doorframe. "I feel like you're never around. Just three days ago, you spent seven hours out in the yard with her. Seven hours, Arizona."

"You were taking a nap," I say quietly. "I didn't think it mattered."

"No, you don't ever seem to think anymore."

"I'm sorry, okay?" I shake my head, tears falling freely. "For trying to better myself. For trying to get back to normal for you…"

"I just need you by my side…" My wife approaches me. "I need you here with me."

"I am here with you." My eyes find Eliza's. "I'm always here with you."

"Except you're not." She gives me a sad smile. "Physically, yes…but _you_ are not here with me. Not really."

"I don't know what you want me to say." I breathe out. "I've been doing this for us but you don't see that so I don't know what else you want from me."

"Did you mean what you said…earlier?"

"About what?"

"Wishing you weren't here anymore." Eliza's voice breaks.

"Yeah, I did," I admit. "Seems like the easiest way…"

"I don't want you to feel that way, Arizona."

"Maybe not, but you also don't want me to better myself." Brushing the tears from my jawline, I sigh…nothing else to say.

"I do want you to better yourself."

"Does seeing me like this make you feel better?" I ask, my brow furrowed. "Does seeing me weak give you some kind of kick?"

"What? No!" My wife gives me an incredulous look. "How could you even say that?"

"Then why are you being like this?" I ask. "Why are you behaving how you are?"

"Because I'm scared."

"So am I, Eliza…" I stand. "I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life." Taking her hands in my own, it feels good. Just like it always does. No matter how much we fight, my wife's touch will always settle me. I'd like to believe she feels the same way, but I'm not sure right now. "I'm scared of everything we are going to face…"

"I just…you were confiding in her." Eliza drops her gaze. "That should be me…"

"I don't want to tell you that I feel like a failure. I don't want you to be worried about the moment your waters break and I panic…why would I?"

"Because I'm your wife." She sighs. "I'm the one you talk to."

"And have you worry, too?" I raise an eyebrow. "What good could possibly come from that, huh?"

"I don't know."

"Have you thought that maybe I confided in Alexis to protect you?" I ask. "That I didn't want you to hear the way I felt because I don't want to add to the stress you are already feeling? Stress already created by me?"

"I'm proud of the hard work you've been putting in…"

"So was I." I give my wife a small smile. "But this isn't about that right now. This is about you believing and understanding that what I've been doing isn't to hurt you or make you feel alone…but to prepare myself. To get to a good place…or try, at least."

"I'm sorry." She toys with my fingertips. "For how I spoke to you earlier. I do care…I care about everything you do."

"You don't, but that's okay." I shrug. "All I care about is that you are okay…"

"I do care." Eliza turns and pulls me down on the bed beside her. "I care and I'm sorry. Today just…I guess things just got on top of me and I took it out on you."

"Why did you do that?" I ask.

"I don't know." She shakes her head. "Fear…worry about Alexis' intentions."

"She's here to help, Eliza," I say with certainty. "Do you really think I'd let her come in here to cause trouble?"

"No, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to try."

"And I get that." I agree. "I can understand why you worry about her being here."

"But I just have to grin and bear it, right?" She rolls her eyes.

"No, not at all." I furrow my brow. "This is your home…I wouldn't allow her here if it's really too much for you."

"I appreciate that bu-"

"So, I've quit my sessions with her," I say before Eliza can backtrack on her feelings about today. I know she hates Alexis so it's easier if I just stop this.

"No, you can't do that."

"I can and I have." I stand, squeezing my wife's hand as I do. "I'm ordering in dinner…what are you having?"

"Arizona, we should talk about this."

"I've think you've made your feelings known today, Eliza." She follows me out of the bedroom. "I'm ending it all before it causes any more problems, okay?"

"Can we talk about it over dinner?" She asks, a pleading tone in her voice. "Please?"

"Sure, but it isn't going to change anything…" Taking the stairs, my wife follows behind me and we head into the kitchen. "I'm calling mom to ask her to bring the kids by."

"Okay." She sighs, her shoulders slumping a little.

Lifting my cell from the coffee table, my eyes land on a text message from Alexis. I know she is going to try to change my mind and I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Eliza doesn't need this in her life right now. She doesn't need my ex…and her half-sister who tried to ruin us, inside our home and acting like nothing ever happened. I know what I was doing was good for me, but it isn't good for Eliza. She is who matters…she always was. Me? I'll carry on as usual. Pleasing everyone else before myself.

"O-Oh." My eyes scan the message I received from her a little over forty minutes ago.

 ** _It's done…gone._**

"What?" Eliza senses my mood and approaches me. "What's wrong?"

"T-The uh, the guys…Russians…they're gone." Her features drop as my words reach her ears.

"Oh, fuck!" Glancing down her body, my wife holds onto her bump and my eyes widen. "O-Oh, um…"

"They broke…" My anxiety skyrockets. "Y-You're waters…"

"Yeah." She winces. "T-They did."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Can't Let Go: Pt 2**

* * *

Chapter Seventeen

* * *

ELIZA'S POV

* * *

Waking to the sound of complete silence, I lift my head from the pillow slightly and find my wife in the corner of the room, holding our baby girl safely in her arms. Considering we both worried about the moment my waters broke, I was pleasantly surprised by just how well Arizona handled everything that followed. She stayed calm, even though I could see the fear in her eyes. She was everything that I needed, even though I know she wanted to run. She was just my wife. The woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Too long ago to even remember. In that moment, when I needed her…she was there. She was there completely and I guess deep down, I knew she would be.

Sure, Arizona has had the worst time imaginable of late, but she pulled through for me. She pulled through for our family. To say I'm proud of her right now would be an understatement, it really would. I don't know how she is feeling within herself, but this is the first time she has left our home since her attack. It is the first time she has seemed at least half comfortable to be around people other than me and a select few. It may all crumble as the day goes on, but right now…she is here and she is smiling down at our daughter. The daughter who has been through so much before she even came into this world.

My hope is that she will never know anything her mom went through, but as she grows and becomes an incredible young woman, I know that she will take everything in her stride. Just like we do. Just like Arizona has done time and time again. My wife is a fighter, and our kids definitely take after her in that department. Our daughter, Harper, will grow up to know just how amazing Arizona is. How strong she is. How she would do anything for her kids. No matter what we face in the coming months, I will be by Arizona's side…every minute of the day.

She knows I've got her. Our marriage has never been any different. She knows that above all else, we take that staircase together every night and hold one another like the world is about to end. Because it did…our world, it almost ended. When I watched the breaking news come through on our tv, I felt it crumbling. I felt it disappearing around me. When the detectives arrived at our home, I knew I was losing her. I knew that no matter how strong she was, this could've been a battle we lost.

Nothing will ever compare to the pain I felt when she called me that night. That night when I spoke to her and that pig was beside her. Touching her. Hurting her. Ruining her. That pain was one that will never lessen but over time, it will dull to the back of my mind. When Arizona comes through and our days improve, it won't be relevant. None of what he did could ever break us and I have to remember that. I have to remember that when our time comes, Arizona isn't broken. She isn't ruined. He tried…but he failed. My wife, my incredibly beautiful wife, is so much more than the news story of the month. She is so much more than the woman who was kidnapped and abused. She is mine. She is ours. She is still everything I could ever want in my life. Bruised or not.

"You think maybe I could get one of those?" Sitting up a little better, Arizona's eyes dart my way and widen. "A cuddle…"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were awake."

"Don't apologize." I smile, my throat a little dry. "I was admiring the view."

"Yeah?" Her own smile widens. "You still want me here?"

"Come here…" I motion for my wife to join me. "I need you closer." Watching as she comes closer, she takes a seat on the edge of the bed beside me and studies my face. "You…" My eyes close, tears threatening to fall. "You are the most incredible woman I have ever met, Arizona…and I'll always want you here with me."

"I love you." Tears trickle down the soft skin of her face. "I love you and I want all of us at home together."

"Me too." My hand settles on the small of her back. "You did good today."

"I had to." She sighs, her eyes returning to Harper. "This one didn't need a terrible mother as she was coming into the world."

"You…terrible?" I raise an eyebrow. "Woman, you are crazy."

"I've been awful, Eliza." Her voice breaks. "I've been the worst."

"No, you have been recovering." I counter. "And you still are, so we have to remember…day by day, okay?"

"Y-You thought I didn't love you anymore." Arizona closes her eyes. "You thought I wanted to spend my time with Alexis…I swear, I didn't."

"I know, and I'm sorry for ever saying what I did." I give her a sad smile as her eyes find mine. "I am…I'm sorry."

"If that is how you felt...you have nothing to be sorry about." Arizona shakes her head ever so slightly. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"You didn't." I sit up and shift closer to my wife. "You've never hurt me, Arizona."

"Doesn't feel that way." Her shoulders shaking, my arm wraps around her waist from behind.

"Hey, come on now…" My chin resting on her shoulder, Arizona rests her face against the side of mine. "You know I hate seeing you upset."

"They are gone and now we have to build our life again." Her words barely above a whisper, I give her a slight nod in agreement, Arizona's thumb gently grazing Harper's cheek. "This one doesn't need me to fall apart anymore."

"This one…loves you as much as the others." I press a kiss below my wife's ear. "You know she does."

"What if I let her down, Eliza?" Arizona turns to face me a little better, the seriousness of her question evident in her sad blue eyes. "What if she grows up to hate me because I'm not the person I used to be…"

"She won't." I give my wife a knowing look. "Harper is going to obsess over you, just like Xavi and Soraya. Noah and Joshua already run to you and completely bypass me." I laugh. "I should be offended but I can totally see what the fascination is."

"And what exactly is the fascination?" Arizona snorts.

"You." I smile. "You just have that calmness about you, Arizona. That safety and love…we all feel it. Every time you are in the room, we feel all the love you have for us."

"Not anymore, though…"

"More so now than ever before." I breathe out. "You know, all I want is for us to be at home together. A family again."

"I want that, too." My wife agrees, her voice trembling. "You think that can happen?"

"Of course, it can." I nod. "I won't lie…it feels kinda good knowing they're gone. I wasn't happy with it at first, but they're gone and I don't care how it happened."

"Kinda full circle, huh?" My wife smirks. "They're gone and moments later…this little one decides she is ready to come see us."

"Maybe she was waiting." I throw my wife a wink. "If she takes after you, then no…she isn't stupid and she knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to hang back a little longer…safe inside."

"Mm, perfect." Arizona presses a gentle kiss to Harper's forehead. "Just like my entire family."

"We are who we are because of you, Arizona." My wife remains silent but I know she hears me. I know she is taking in everything I'm saying. "We wouldn't be here without you. You are our world."

"I wouldn't be here without you…" She whimpers. "I only fought for you, Eliza."

"And I will spend the rest of my life thanking you for coming back to me." We fall into a comfortable silence. A silence that is needed and a silence that is calming.

 _I can't believe I almost lost her…forever._

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

It feels so good to be home with Eliza. I know it's about to get real crazy around here, but I'm actually ready for it. At least, I feel like I am. I feel like, after the last couple of days, I'm ready for anything. We've been home since this morning and Harper is now two days old. Two days old and perfect in every way imaginable. She has a head of thick dark hair, just like her mom, and I can't take my eyes off her. I don't know if I'm feeling more protective of Harper than I did with our other kids, but that's how it feels. I feel like if I leave her alone for a second, something will happen to her and I won't be there to save her. Eliza, too. I'm struggling to allow my wife to leave my side.

I know it's just because this is all new again, but I don't want to be too overbearing. I don't want to piss Eliza off in any way. She needs to recover. She needs to rest and allow her body time to heal. Seems there has been a whole lot of recovering going on in our lives lately, but I'm in a better place. Mentally, I feel stronger…and physically, I'm feeling slightly better. I know my recovery will be ongoing for the foreseeable, but I'm okay with that. I've come to accept that what happened to me cannot be fixed overnight. I wish it could, but sadly, that isn't a possibility.

Harper's monitor firmly in my grasp, I press a kiss to her forehead and step away from my sleeping daughter. Eliza has just given her a feed and now my wife is settled on the couch, her eyes closing slowly. Right now, I want to spend some time with her. I know she wants to sleep, and she can, but I'd like that to be in my arms. Against me, whatever.

"Hey…" My voice low, Eliza gives me one of her sweet smiles and her eyes flutter open. "Mind if I join you?"

"I'd love you to join me." She holds out her hand as I set the baby monitor down on the table beside us. "Come here…" Pulling me down beside her, Eliza squeezes my hand tight and sighs. "You okay?"

"Me? I'm good." I reassure her. "Just can't believe we have another gorgeous baby at home with us."

"Thank god its all over." Eliza whispers, her head resting on my shoulder.

"You need to nap?" I ask.

"If that would be okay?" She lifts her head as she tries to stifle a yawn. "I don't want you to have to do everything around here, Arizona. You're still recovering."

"I'm okay." I lean up and press a kiss to my wife's forehead. "You need to rest and relax, okay?"

"I could really use ten minutes."

"Stand up." I pull my wife up to her feet. "Wanna throw it back a little?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Uh, I don't…what do you mean?" Throwing myself down on the couch, I position myself a little better and motion for Eliza to climb between my legs. "Really?" Her smile widens, my heart bursting at her reaction.

"Yes, really."

"God, this is going to feel so good." Her voice breaks as she settles between my legs, my arms wrapping around her shoulders from behind. "I've missed lying with you like this."

"Me too." I press a kiss to the top of her head. "Now, just relax." Sobs shaking her body, I furrow my brow and loosen my grip a little. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She sobs. "I'm okay."

"No, you're not." I tense a little at the thought of Eliza no longer wanting me to hold her like this. "D-Do you want me to give you some space?"

"N-No!" Eliza grips my hands. "Please, stay."

"Why are you crying?"

"How we're lying…" She steadies her breathing. "The last time we lay like this, you were about to leave for your trip."

"O-Oh." My head falls to her shoulder, Eliza's scent calming me. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize." She turns her head a little and finds my eyes. "I wasn't sure we would even relax like this together again…"

"I've wanted to feel this way for so long, Eliza," I admit. "Like this…I've wanted to hold you like this since forever."

"Thank you for trusting me." My wife whispers, her lips slowly but surely finding mine. "Thank you for being so beautiful that it breaks my heart."

"Hey…" My lips linger. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Eliza's signature smile causing one of my own, her bottom lip brushes mine and my eyes close. Just this feeling alone is the only thing I've wanted since I got out of that warehouse. Just holding my wife. No worries on my mind. Nothing but the love we have for each other. "You're thinking…"

"Good things." I smile, my arms tightening around Eliza. "Just good things for a change."

"I'm so proud of you, Arizona."

"You should be proud of yourself." I nuzzle my face in the crook of her neck. "I'm so proud of everything you have given me that I could burst."

"I never thought I could ever make anyone proud." My wife admits. "When I came to New York, I had nothing. I had no one. My mom saw me as nothing but a disappointment, but you…" She laces our fingers together. "You gave me life, Arizona. You gave me a reason to smile."

"And I always will," I say with certainty. "I'll always give you the world. I promised you that the day I made you my wife and it hasn't changed. It will _never_ change."

"Forever." She sighs, her head resting on my chest. "I always knew we would be forever."

"Damn right," I smirk against the skin of her neck. "I'm not sure forever is long enough, though." Rocking my wife gently in my arms, her breathing is changing and I know she's drifting off to sleep. Her body is spent and if I could take away the tiredness and uncertainty she is feeling, I would. I would in a heartbeat and she knows that. Eliza knows I'd do anything to make sure she was okay. That she was loved and protected.

From this moment on, it's time to put my family first. It's time to close myself off from the world around me and concentrate on what matters most. What I have here. In my arms. In our home. My wife and my kids. I know there will be days when I fall apart, but I've experienced enough of them to know how to approach those days. I've experienced the worst time of my life, and now…only good days are ahead. They have to be. That bastard is gone. The bastards who arranged my attack are gone. Nobody else matters now. Nobody but my family. The one constant in my life. The only thing that makes me smile harder than anything else in this world ever possibly could.

 _I have everything I could ever need in this home. My family._

* * *

 **Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this fic. It means the world to me.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Can't Let Go: Pt 2**

* * *

Epilogue

* * *

ARIZONA'S POV

* * *

 _Two months later…_

God, I'm feeling so good right now. My kids are safe and thriving. My wife is incredibly beautiful. I'm feeling like I did before the worst time of our lives happened…and tonight, tonight belongs to Eliza and I. It belongs to the love we have for each other. I'm so desperate to feel her touch, her hands on my skin, and I cannot wait much longer. I don't know what will happen when the moment arrives, but mentally and physically, I'm feeling the best I've ever felt. I'm feeling so good that I need tonight to hurry up and arrive so I can get out of here with my wife.

I love my kids more than anything in this world, but I need a little adult time right now. I need to let go and remind myself of my marriage. Why I married Eliza. Why we fit so perfectly together. Yes, I'm using sex to remind myself of that but I'm sorry…when it's been as long as it has for me, nobody knows what it's like. When I've laid awake at night wondering if I'll ever have her hands on me again…my body ached for her. It throbbed in every way imaginable. I've never longed for anyone's touch like I have been recently and I'm ready. I'm ready to experience Eliza for the first time in what feels like forever. My only problem…she doesn't know about our plans yet. She knows we're headed out to dinner together, but she doesn't know that I've booked us a hotel room…presidential suite, with everything we could possibly need.

Mom has been amazing as always and tonight she is taking the kids for us. She knows I need a night to myself. Since the moment Harper came home from the hospital, I wanted our family together. Since I knew that they couldn't hurt my family anymore, it's the only thing I had on my mind. Some may say that at times, I obsessed. I obsessed about how blessed I was. How lucky I was. How perfect and beautiful my family is. Yes, I obsessed…but it beats sinking into a depression, right? It beats refusing to allow them to come home and be with their moms. I know how much Xavi and Soraya wanted to be with us and I had to allow it to happen. I had to have them here with us…where they belong. The twins, well…they're just happy to have attention on them. Drawing on a wall or whatever. I'm so thankful that they didn't know what was going on around here over the last several months. It was painful enough trying to protect our two eldest from it. It was painful, but we made it through. All of us.

Placing Harper down for her afternoon nap, I press a kiss to her tiny forehead and back away. Sometimes I struggle to leave her but I'm psyching myself up for tonight so I'm trying to leave her room right now, reluctantly. I know she is safe and I know she is perfect in every way, but occasionally, I panic. I panic and then it is left to my wife to reassure me. She's amazing like that, though. She is amazing and everything I will ever need in my life. Had she not been here for me lately, I would've crumbled. I wouldn't be on this earth right now. Honestly, I would've ended it all.

Clearing my mind of the ordeal I faced, I take the stairs slowly, the sound of my kid's laughter settling me. Smiling as Soraya rushes towards me, I pull her up into my arms and kiss the face off her. "Hi, big girl."

"Mommy says you are pretty."

"She does, huh?" I smirk as I glance over at Eliza. "Does mommy know that she is the prettiest?"

"Yup." Soraya nods. "I told her."

"Good girl." I press a kiss to her forehead. Approaching my wife, she has that adorable smile on her face and I can't help the thought I have of dragging her upstairs right now. "Hi, beautiful."

"Hi." Eliza grips the edge of my tee and pulls me in closer. "You got some of those kisses for me?"

"Always…" I take her bottom lip between my teeth as Soraya wriggles out of my arms and climbs down my body. "Tonight is ours…" I whisper against my wife's mouth. "All ours."

"Y-You mean…" Pulling back, she narrows her eyes. "Arizona, if you're lying, I swear!"

"I'm not lying." I smile against her lips, my tone lowered. "Would I do that to you?"

"N-No." She breathes out. "But you mean, really…"

"Really." My arms wrap around her waist and I trap Eliza against the kitchen counter. "I booked us a room. Well, a suite."

"W-Where? H-How?" My wife is becoming a little flustered but that is exactly what I was hoping for. I was hoping she would still find me attractive. "Arizona…"

"Downtown," I reply. "Just you and I. Tonight, okay?"

"Okay." Her eyes close as my hands cup her face. "The kids…"

"Still staying with mom."

"I thought we were collecting them after dinner." She studies my face. "You had this planned?"

"Maybe." I shrug as I pull back. If I don't create a little space between us, I'm going to lift my wife onto the counter and do unimaginable things to her body. Yes, I've touched her since my attack but I've never felt this good about it. I mean, there is no uncertainty inside of me right now. There hasn't been for a few days. I just needed a little time to know that I was ready for this. For us. I just needed to know that I wasn't going to get her hopes up only to let her down when the time came. She doesn't need that. She has been more than patient and right now, I know this is our time. I know that I'm ready to take that step and be intimate with my wife…completely. Fully. Without hesitation. This will be the first time she has touched me since my attack but I'm so ready for it. I'm so ready to enjoy Eliza tonight.

"You're something else." She takes my hand in her own. "And I love you."

"Right back atcha." I throw her a wink as I squeeze Eliza's hand. "KIDS!" I yell. "Who wants a movie and ice cream before grandma arrives?" Smiling as Xavi, Noah, and Joshua come running towards me, Soraya has already chosen her spot on the couch…her legs crossed as she patiently waits. "Okay, guys. Go sit with your sister and I'll be right there."

"Hey, Arizona…" Eliza pulls me in close and crushes her lips into my own. "You make me crazy."

"Mm, I learned from the best…"

* * *

Pushing my plate away, dinner was incredible but my eyes haven't left Eliza's since we sat down at the gorgeous restaurant we're in. I knew she would love the reservations I made but right now, I want to remove the amazing dress she is wearing. The one that is hugging her body so perfectly and leaving very little to the imagination. _Thank god this place is attached to our hotel._ "How was dinner?"

"Mm, amazing." Eliza sips her wine. "So good."

"So, I picked well?"

"Don't you always?" She rolls her eyes playfully. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

"Was that before or after the accusations?" I smirk, lowering my voice. "You know, how I was paying you to sleep with me…"

"Oh, my god!" She facepalms herself. "Y-You remember that?"

"Sometimes." I shrug. "But it just reminds me of how far we've come."

"I was a total bitch to you when we met, wasn't I?" My wife groans.

"No, it just made you hotter." I wink. "All that back and forth. You knew how much I wanted you."

"Well, that's no lie," Eliza smirks. "You remember the first time we met?"

"Every moment I wake." I nod as I take my wine glass in my hands. "Why?"

"So, you remember me coming home with you?" She raises her eyebrow and shifts a little closer. "How I fucked you against the window…"

"Shit." My eyes close as she settles her hand on my thigh. "I-I remember…"

"Hard to forget, huh?"

"Y-You." I take my bottom lip between my teeth. "You are one I could never forget, Eliza. Never."

"It was simply a case of taking matters into my own hands." She squeezes my thigh. "You were all hung up on wanting a relationship, but I knew you would have that. Even if we fucked before we knew each other's surnames, we would have exactly what you wanted. A life together."

"Finish your wine," I state, clearing my throat. "And do it fast."

"Demanding…" Eliza's lips press against my ear. "But what I like to see."

"What's that?"

"The reaction your body still has to my touch." She smiles against my neck and my eyes close. "And your lack of words tells me all I need to know…"

"Oh yeah?" I turn my head, my eyes fixed firmly on my wife's. "And what are they telling you?"

"That your body needs me, Arizona. Just like it has done since the moment we met." _Okay, I love how my wife is refusing to let recent events get in the way of our evening together._ I won't lie, I thought she would've had some kind of discussion going by now. You know, am I ready and what not?

"Get upstairs…I'll finish everything up here." Grabbing my purse, I pull my credit card from it and motion for the waiter to bring me the bill. Eliza is already disappearing from beside me and I need to be with her. I know I told her to leave, but I need to be with her. Realising I have a ton of cash also, I throw it down on the table and disappear from our table. "Wait up!" I stop the elevator doors from closing.

"Couldn't wait, huh?"

"For you…never." Pushing my wife back against the carriage wall, her back connects with the mirrors around us, gasping as the cool glass meets her skin. "Eliza…"

"I've needed this with you since forever, Arizona.."

"T-Tonight." My tongue trails her neck before I take her earlobe between my teeth. "God, tonight I'm so here with you."

"I-I know." She moans as I suck on the skin of her neck. The elevator doors opening, I pull my wife out into the corridor and make quick work of the zip on her dress. Finding ourselves outside our suite, I frantically search for the key card in my purse, relief washing over me as my fingers connect with it. "Arizona…come on."

Turning to face Eliza as the door bleeps, I push it open and her forehead rests against my own. "I need you, Arizona." She whispers against my mouth. "I need you like I've never needed anyone before."

"You've got me." I smile into our kiss. Pushing her against the nearest wall, her fingers tangle in my hair and my own lower the little black dress hugging her body. Finding her totally naked chest before me, my mouth salivates at the thought of my tongue trailing her skin. "Oh god." My own chest beginning to heave, her dress gathers around her waist and I waste no time in dipping my head and taking one of her perfect nipples between my teeth. "I've missed this…"

"Mm, yes." Her head resting back against the wall, she forces my mouth against her and I suck a little harder. "Shit…" Moaning and writhing as I give her gorgeous breasts the attention they deserve, my free hand tugs her dress lower until it falls to the floor and she kicks it away. Now standing in nothing but her heels and black lace panties, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on one thing alone. I want her like never before, but fuck me…she's a masterpiece. A masterpiece I've missed having against me.

"Wow…" I breathe out as I take a step back and admire her incredible beauty. _She's mine._ "Y-You…"

"Kiss me, Arizona." Pulling me back in by the back of the neck, her lips crush into my own and her tongue slips into my mouth. Toying with the tip of my own, fresh arousal floods from my center and I know that tonight isn't going to end anytime soon. How can it when we have so much making up to do? How can it when this woman is about to take away all of the pain and all of the worrying I've been experiencing for far too long? Dropping my hand between us, I drag my nails up her inner thigh and she almost loses her balance. "Fuck." Tugging on my bottom lip, she pushes off the wall and guides me through our hotel suite.

Turning her in my arms as we reach the bedroom area, her palms press against a nearby wall and my sex grinds against her ass. "You're making me so wet, Eliza…"

"Mm, I know." She smirks as she glances over her shoulder. "Wouldn't expect anything less."

"Confident, huh?" My hand slips beneath the waistband of her panties and her own arousal coats my fingers. "Mm, just what I wanted." My lips press against the back of her neck as I roll my fingertips over her aching clit.

"F-Fuck." Her knees weaken. "Oh god, that feels amazing."

"You need to come for me?" I whisper.

"S-So much." She groans as her back arches against me. "And if you keep doing that, its gonna happen." Picking my pace up a little, my hand is soaked and it feels so good. Eliza always did give me exactly what I wanted and it's amazing to know that some things never change. That I make her feel this way. I've spent so long since the attack not feeling good enough, but she has never made me question that. She has never given me any reason to suspect that she doesn't find me attractive. "Y-Yes, oh fuck." Squeezing her thighs closed as her orgasm courses through her, I hold her securely against me and watch on in delight as she moans and writhes for me. "Fuck, Arizona…"

"I like to give you what you need…and you definitely needed that."

"I did." She answers, breathlessly. "But I need you naked beneath me." Turning in my arms, she backs me up towards the bed, no hesitation in her eyes. _I really don't need either of us to worry right now._ Her heels hitting the hardwood, I'm reminded of just how hot my wife is. I mean, she's always hot, but tonight she is looking something special and I know it's all for me. "I need you on the bed, Arizona."

"I love you." Pushed down, a yelp leaves my mouth when my back connects with the soft mattress and I'm feeling good. Really good. Her fingers toying with the hem of my own dress, she glides it gently over my body and slowly slips it over my legs. Throwing it to the floor, she climbs up my body. Her hands as soft as ever, I find myself in nothing but my underwear beneath her and yeah, I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. The anticipation is actually killing me right now but I suspect she knows that. Eliza knows exactly what she's doing and that has never been a secret.

"So fucking beautiful…" Her tongue trailing my stomach, it tightens and I shudder beneath her. "I've missed you so much, Arizona." Her voice breaking, my bra suddenly falls open and her mouth trails further up. "But I'm here…I'm so here and I love you. Everything about you." I appreciate her reassurance. It means more than she could ever know.

"Hey…" I cup her face and her eyes find mine. "I know you're here." I smile. "I can feel it."

"Yeah?" Her eyes glisten against the moonlight shining through. "You do?"

"So much." Pulling her up my body, her lips crush into my own and I know exactly how she's feeling. I'm feeling it too. _In love._ I'd tell her, but I can't right now. I need to reconnect with her. I need her to know that I trust her. The 'I love you's' can come later. Her hand dropping between our bodies, she cups my sex and the moan that falls from my mouth even surprises me. "Ugh, fuck." Gripping the sheet to the side of me, Eliza suddenly sits back on her knees and glances down my body.

"You look so fucking good, Arizona." Her hands trailing my thighs, she grips the waistband of my panties and tugs on her bottom lip. "And I'm sorry, but these have to go." Suddenly ripping them from my body, I'm overcome with arousal and I don't even know how we got to this point. I never thought I'd have this with my wife again but here she is, literally ripping the lace from my body.

"Jesus Christ." Muttering under my breath, my eyes close and a smile settles on my mouth. "You are so good for me." I breathe out. "So good."

"We're perfect, Arizona." Her eyes focused on my soaked sex, they're dark and filled with complete want. Just how I want her to feel. I need her to feel like I'm all she will ever need. I need her to take us back and erase the past. A single finger gathering my arousal, I watch on in delight as she slips it past her lips and moans. "Perfect." Shifting and straddling my right thigh, her naked body presses against my own and her tongue trails my bottom lip. "You're mine, okay?"

"I'm yours," I repeat her words, barely above a whisper. "Make me yours, Eliza." Her own soaked center grinding against my thigh, her hand ghosts down my stomach and her fingers work me like they always did. "Please…" She knows I need this. She knows I need to hear those words from her.

Slipping two fingers inside of me with ease, my back arches from the bed and my mouth falls open. "Fuck…" Her own moan falling from her lips, my stomach tightens and she pushes in and out of me so perfectly. "God, I've missed you…" Her lips crushing into my own again, my entire body is on fire. Every nerve ending. Every muscle. Yeah, Eliza makes me feel like nobody else ever has. _Nobody._

"Oh god." Her free hand gripping my own that is fisted in the covers, Eliza's arousal coats the skin of my thigh and I know that she needs me. I know that she needs more. Working my hand up her thigh, I slip two fingers inside of her and a gasp falls from her perfect lips. "I'm so close…"

"Y-Yeah?" She breathes hard against my ear. "You're so fucking wet for me."

"Shit." Her words pushing me closer to the edge, her own walls tighten around my fingers and my thumb rolls over her clit. "I need you with me."

"A-Always." She whimpers, her sex throbbing. "I-I, oh god…" Rocking above me, her eyes find mine and her body shudders. "I-I…" Cut off when her orgasm crashes through her, my own sends a wave of electricity through my body.

"Y-Yes, fuck…yes." Shaking beneath my wife, neither of us let up and shockwaves course through me. Whimpering and trying to breathe through this intense emotion I'm feeling, Eliza's forehead comes to rest against my own, her eyes never leaving mine.

"Arizona…" Her voice soft and low, she studies my face and I furrow my brow. "I just…"

"What is it?" I ask as my hand trails her naked back. "Eliza?"

"I love you." Her words catching me off guard, I still my hand and try to hold back the smile curling on my mouth. "You have been through so much, and I love you." She says with complete certainty. "I love you and I'm here. I'll always be here. Wherever you are, I will be."

"I wouldn't have made it through this without you, Eliza." I pull her down against me. "You have been incredible through all of this and I need you to know that I couldn't have done it without you."

"I thought I would never have the chance to touch you again…" My wife's voice breaks. "I thought we had lost this between us…"

"No, baby." My fingers run through her hair. "I thought it at one time too, but I couldn't ever lose this with you. It's who we are…"

"You don't even know how good it felt to just be naked with you…"

"I do." I hold my wife close. "Because I felt it too. I felt that connection we lost too long ago and I'm never letting it go again. I'm never letting you go…"

"You're my world." Eliza sits up on her elbows and trails her thumb across my bottom lip. "You're the most beautiful woman in this world…and you're mine."

"Always will be," I whisper, my voice close to breaking. "I told you some eleven years ago how I felt and to this day…I still can't let go."

"Don't ever let go, Arizona."

"With my beautiful family by my side?" I sigh. "I couldn't."

* * *

 **The End.**

 **This fic, both parts, has been the most incredible experience of my life. Laughing and crying with you all...it's just been everything I wanted and needed. This fic is officially done now, though. Keep it in your heart because that's exactly where I wrote it from. Thank you for every review, every favorite and every follow. You guys all mean the world to me and this fic wouldn't have happened without you.**

 **Over and out!**


End file.
